Jackson Humes is Not a Superhero

CHAPTER TWO

I don't know how others might have reacted under the same circumstance, but I doubled over with laughter until tears were streaming down my face. It wasn't the first time I'd had an inappropriate response to a serious situation, and I knew it wouldn't be the last.

The big cat's fuzzy eyebrows rose up with concern. "Dude, are you having some sort of mental episode or something?"

"I don't know if you've looked in a mirror lately," I said, trying to catch my breath, "but you're not even human."

"I'm aware of that," he snapped. The mountain lion began to pace in a circle, his brows furrowed in concentration. "I think I see what's happening here. You need me to prove it. Okay, I can play that game. Just ask me anything about Marv, anything at all."

His request sounded reasonable enough, so I wracked my brain trying to come up with an interesting tidbit I'd heard about the quarterback, but the truth was I didn't know that much about him. Like most of the girls in my school, I had developed a healthy appreciation for his toned physique and supermodel good looks—but that was hardly the type of information I was going to share with him.  

"I can't think of anything," I said, trying not to blush.

"What do you mean you can't think of anything?" he asked flabbergasted. 

I shrugged. "I don't really know that much about him."

The statement must have really offended him because he sat back on his hind legs and gesticulated at me furiously with his front paws. "How the hell can you not know anything about me? I'm literally the most popular guy in our school."

"Well, you definitely sound like Marv Morgan," I admitted. "But you could just be acting."

"Acting?" The mountain lion was growing incredibly irritated. "Acting? Do I look like an actor to you?"

"You're a talking mountain lion," I said. "I don't know what to think."

Something like recognition passed across his face. "Wait, I know you. You're, Tanner Humes's brother. You hang out with the girl in the wheelchair."

It was my turn to be flabbergasted. This wasn't information a regular talking mountain lion would have known. Besides trying to wrap my head around accepting that this giant animal was really Marv, I was also trying to grasp the fact that Amy and I had been on his radar. Amy was positively going to freak out when I told her.

The big cat was on the verge of saying something else when he suddenly turned his head in the direction of the school. I followed his line of sight, but all I could see were trees, trees, and more trees.

"I think we're going to have company soon," he said urgently. "You have to get down from there and help me."

"What do you mean?" I asked, somewhat hysterical, "Is Alex coming back?" I wasn't sure which option sounded worse at that point: coming face to face with a mountain lion the size of a small rhinoceros, or facing off with a wrestler who wanted nothing more than to pummel me out of existence.

"No," he said, pacing around in a circle once more. "But I do hear about half-a-dozen police sirens heading this way. If I get caught, I don't think things are going to end well for me. I was barely able to escape my last encounter with a cop when I tried to tell him who I was."

"What happened?" I asked.

"Let's just say you're the only one who has been able to understand anything I'm saying so far. That's why I need your help. I know I probably look big and scary, but I'm not going to hurt you. Scouts honor." He raised a paw into the air and held up three kitty fingers.

I didn't know much about the scouts, but I did recognize desperation when I heard it. My aunt had raised us to always help those in need, but I doubted that particular golden rule extended to talking wildlife claiming to be human. On the other hand, if what the mountain lion was saying was true, I knew I had to get to the bottom of whatever was happening in our town.

Before I could change my mind, I decided to try and find a way to climb down. After attempting to shimmy down the tree trunk and realizing I would need climbing gear in order to keep myself from breaking every bone in my body, I realized I had an even bigger problem on my hands.

"I can't get down."

"Just jump," he said. "Tuck and roll as soon as you hit the ground, so you don't break your legs."

"Easy for you to say." I lowered myself off of the branch until I was only hanging on with my hands. The panic I felt only escalated when I heard the distinct sounds of sirens in the distance. "Okay, okay. Here I go. I can do this." I swung my legs back and forth as I counted down. "Three, two, one." I didn't let go. My body wouldn't let me. The ground was just too far away.

"Just man up," he shouted, from what sounded like the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

"That is so not helpful," I shouted back.

My grasp was starting to slip, so I swung my legs forward to hook them back around the branch, which was exactly the right amount of pressure the branch needed to cleanly snap off of the trunk. I don't know if I screamed or shouted more profanities in under a second than I had in my entire lifetime, but the moment of impact never came. Instead, my body came to a halt about three feet before hitting the ground, leaving me at eye level with the mountain lion.

The mountain lion's jaw dropped open. "Dude, how the hell are you doing that?"

I was at a loss for words once again. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on with gravity today, but I owed it a thank you note and a bouquet of flowers. "I-I don't know," I admitted. Without warning, I dropped to the ground and did a rather painful face plant. I mentally revoked the bouquet of flowers and slowly stood up, patting my body to make sure nothing was broken.

"I hear about half a dozen men coming this way," he said in a panic. "Where do you live?"

"About ten minutes that way." I pointed to a clump of trees in the distance that were identical to all of the other clumps of trees surrounding us.

The large cat took off running before I could give him further directions. He moved so fast that it took me a full minute to catch up to him. "Wait." I said, struggling to keep my books from falling out of my destroyed backpack. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to come to my house."

"Dude, I have nowhere else to go. I also haven't eaten a proper meal in days." As if to accentuate his point, Marv's stomach emitted a powerful rumble.

"But you haven't met my aunt," I argued feebly. "She won't even let us have a pet fish. I seriously doubt she'll be thrilled when she finds out I brought a wild beast home with me."

Marv the mountain lion shrugged. My aunt was probably the least of his worries at the moment. "I guess I'll just have to start eating your friends. Your friend in the wheelchair should be easy prey. I bet she'd make a nice meal."

I stopped in my tracks, horrified by what I had just heard. "You do realize I could call animal control and have your kitty cat ass hauled away." Sometimes I chose the wrong moment to release what little gay bitchiness dwelled inside of me. This was definitely one of those times.

All I saw was a fast moving blur jumping thru the air before Marv had me pinned to the ground. It happened so fast it took my brain several seconds to register what had just unfolded. His sharp claws dug into my shoulders as he crushed me with his massive weight. He let out a guttural growl, exposing two rows of sharp teeth as his face inched closer to mine. It's embarrassing to say, but I peed just a little.

I held my breathe, terrified about what was going to happen next.