what is fulfillment
is it the 'busy' schedule and consistent rustling from job to job
the countless 20's you spend on weed
or allowing yourself to be absorbed by the personalities of others & subconsciously analyzing unique traits about each one
all the boys i trick into thinking they'll have a chance with me
am i searching for change
or entertainment
all the amounts money you spend on events and concert tickets and paint nights because "i don't have time to waste on doing boring things"
is it the constant thoughts running in and out of my mind of psychological thought process' & what ifs
a search for closure, understanding
these days i need control
i haven't quite dumbed it down to a control thing, considering it's not a trait i've always had
so what is it?
possibly it's the current memory crisis i'm having
it's most likely the weed
i can't have a day where i don't have some sort of plan or idea or next objective
maybe i am fulfilled by completing the objective
and when i don't have an objective i'm just
here
subconsciously, i wonder if my mind is wired to complete these so called 'goals'
how has my mind, feelings, thought processes changed and why
an interest i've never gotten around to inquire
but that's just a rough idea
like a constantly flowing waterfall of recycled thoughts, emotions, schedules
like groundhog day
or a cup that's always full but can never reach the tipi ty top
there's a hole in the cup somewhere
the water always rises to a plateau but can't seem to reach higher
where is the hole
what is the hole
aren't i doing everything right?
it's not necessarily that i feel like nothing is good enough for me, but deep down could that be the dumbed-down explanation?
it's possible that i have an unreasonable fascination with self-analysis i can never get quite right
recycled thoughts
but this one seems fairly new
what is fulfillment
- current state of mind
9/9/19
