Letters For Youth

the way they always leave.

Lost love sounded a lot like the ruffles of full houses, high pairs, and flushes across the parlor table. It was a little like the way my hands had slipped from the monkey bars and I crashed into the woodchips. It's the way rain made everything smell like mildew and birdhouses. The way my keys disappeared; always in peripheral but never in direct sight. 

The new semester started with a slow crawl, like a race with rocks instead of runners. New faces popped up like daisies – I wondered if I was allergic to any of them. I'm sure one of them would have given me an asthma attack if I stayed around for too long. One face, however, caught me off guard. Maybe it's the way she smiled at my terrible jokes – eyes half-closed. God, she was beautiful when she smiled. Like when rainbows bloomed, its petals stretched out across the end of a rainy day. Maybe it was the sincerity in her voice. The way a chuckle appeared every now then again, like I was doing something right. Maybe it was the strands of gold caught in her frizzy black hair, but for a moment I saw outside my tunnel. Even for a minute, I felt that this would be a 'change' I needed. I needed this.

Vivian, my neighbor, had been telling me that things would get better. She had enough confidence for two. Vivian had a certainty about me – she was sure that this 'issue' of mine had a resolution. A conclusion. I had wanted to tell her that I wasn't one of her video games. There wasn't a final boss level. I should just 360 no-scope, right? Though, I guess she was right in some regards. 

T.K. had said, quite profusely, that I should talk to this one girl he knew. T.K. is a nice person – the way intense campfires are 'nice'. He had been, how'd you say it? Helpful? I guess. He had kept on occasion insisting I should talk to all these girls he knew. No, I had repeated. I didn't want to meet anyone on that phone of his.

Jada had met me in a Starbucks. She had given me a hug while tears were streaming down my face, my bag in my lap. I didn't want to make a scene. The scent of coffee beans and sugar had danced over Jada's words, but the message came through loud and clear. If I were to stay like this, I had thought, then my value in the dating market was sure to depreciate. Time to shred last years catalog. It was time to bury Manda.

Manda wasn't the type to look for love. I didn't fully understand her. The pages we had been reading were in different books. Different genres. Her silk blonde hair acted as a small veil around her crown. She wasn't looking for companionship. Rulers don't look for loyal parties. They wait for attention to arrive at the gate. Three small words. Three words had pulled up the draw bridge.

   I love you, I said.

   I'm uncomfortable, Manda replied.

Then, she left. Like a flipped switch. A blip on a radar. The crack of lightning at dawn. She had gone overseas, a world away to study. She eventually came back to the States and eventually came back to the same campus, but not to me. To me, she had stayed in England. She was still in a world filled with its own history but brimmed with new experiences. She was never coming back. Last I saw, she had cherry-blossom pink hair.

This time, I thought, this time will be different.

Turned out new-girl and I had more than one class together. Elation. We would actually see each other every day of the school week. Please, I thought. Please, don't go in head first. After all, poor Icarus doesn't need to die twice. I just wanted a friend. A friend. I just wanted a friend.

   How was the reading? I asked her.

   It was okay, she responded.