it started out small.
first she unblocked me.
then we met up again and talked over coffee.
i asked her how she'd been.
she asked me if i knew that she had a boyfriend.
we left after that.
a few weeks later i saw her again, i went over to see my dad but was greeted by her babysitting the kids instead.
i asked her how she was.
"never been better," she replied.
a week later i went back to see if she was there again, she wasn't.
for two more months, i had lost myself because i had lost the best thing that had ever happened to me.
i was in the wrong, that whole time.
it was my fault.
and i miss her so fucking much.
i started to become a zombie.
but i really loved mary's kids, they had started to grow quite fond of me.
finally i got a break from my endless cycle of work, sleep, drink.
she had texted, asking me to meet up with her, same place as before.
i tried to act like i wasn't slowly withering away.
i dressed nice, even bought some concealer to try and cover up the bags under my eyes.
i styled my hair.
i wanted to show her that i was doing fine.
i had gotten there first so that i could order her coffee for her and was preparing to talk about my job and all the opportunitys they were going to offer me starting in the new year.
we talked for a little bit, and then she said to me, "i need to tell you something."
i nodded and waited for her to continue.
"my boyfriend, he proposed."
i wanted to scream, i wanted to cry, i want to punch a wall.
but i didn't.
i stood there, frozen in time.
i was waiting for her to continue but she was waiting for me to respond.
"that's great cass, congratulations."
"no, calum. i said no, i told him no."
now i was just confused.
"why would you do that cass? you were always so excited to start your own family and finally settle down with something, or someone, consistent."
"he didn't see me like you saw me calum. he only saw me as this ray of sunshine and before he proposed he kept telling me how i was so easy to talk to and how i was always so happy and that just not fucking true."
"what do you mean cass?" I question, "you are the happiest person i know, you definitely aren't easy to put up with but you are amazing."
"no, calum, that's who i am when i'm with you."
"cassidy, we cant keep doing this, it's destroying both of us. i've been such a mess, i tried to put on this show for you so you wouldn't see."
"i don't want to keep doing this calum, i want you to just stay."
"what are you talking about?"
"i want you, i want us, calum, i want to marry you and be with you and never have you leave again."
"cassidy," i start to speak but she stops me.
"yes, i thought i loved him cal, i thought i was ready to settle down with him but he doesn't know me like you do. you know everything about me and i don't always have to be happy with you. with you, i can just be me."
"but," she stops me again.
"you know how to figure my heart out, calum, please just marry me."
"i don't know what to say," i reply.
"just say yes, i will go with you anywhere as long as i am with you."
i take her hands into mine, her little hands that are so small compared to mine.
"is that what you really want?" i ask her.
she just nods and tears start to fall from her eyes, "i've missed you so much."
i stand up and let go of her hands, i bring them to her face and pull her hair back. then i pull her face into mine.
"i won't ever leave again as long as you promise the same."
"i promise," i say, "i promise, cassidy, i'll give you the world."
