Every day, I see so many people that I want to talk to. So many things I want to do. But, my body wont cooperate. One time, at lunch, I literally just ran into the bathroom and had a mini panic attack and stayed there all through lunch because my friends weren't in their usual spot, and I didn't want to walk around the cafeteria like a fool. I had this notebook where I would draw pics about cutting and self harm. One of the school counselors found it. I thought, hey, maybe she can help. But I couldn't get the worlds out of my mouth. Like, my body physically can't talk sometimes. And I'm so used to it, whenever someone asks if I'm okay, before I can even think my body automatically says I'm fine. I automatically smile.
I try so hard to please others, be what others think I should be, I've forgotten who I am. What I like. Who I like. What I do.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of my friends realizing how worthless and stupid I am and leaving.
I'm scared that when I try to find my self, there wont be anything left.
I'm scared to cut, because someone will see the scars.
I'm scared to cry, cause people will ask whats wrong.
I'm scared not to cut, because the pain will build up.
I'm scared to get up in the morning and go to school.
I'm scared to go home.
I'm scared to be happy.
I'm scared to be sad.
I'm scared to come out of the closet.
I'm scared to stay in.
I'm scared to talk.
I'm scared to stay silent.
I'm scared to be who I am.
I'm scared to fit in to the crowd.
I'm scared of living.
I'm scared of dying.
I'm scared....
help....?
