Flowers for Lilah (Seth Clearwater)

chapter thirteen

 I spent the night locked in my room, crying under my covers, unsure why. Seth's crushed face when I told him to leave me alone wouldn't leave my mind. The next day, Sunday, I was home alone. It made the hallow in my heart feel bigger. I took a bath, sulking, while I watched the snow fall outside through the small window in the bathroom, a fresh pain hitting my heart everytime I heard a wolf howl outside.

I spent the last week obsessively thinking about Seth, my feelings getting stronger and stronger every moment I spent in an awkward, nervous, stumbling silence with him. But I had finally got what I had been hoping for, Seth cared back for me. How much, I'm not sure. But the thought of him caring for me scared me. He couldn't care for me, it was a death wish. I ruined everyone's life who cared for me.

First my parents, who had passed tragically. Then my grandparents, who were subjected to the rest of their lives having to care for me. I was like a curse. Everyone who cared about me was left worse off. It already happened to Seth, with his father passing. It was best for me to just stay away, I can't hurt them if I'm alone. The day goes by slowly; I go through the motions until my grandparents come home, eating dinner distractedly and moping around until it's time for bed.

School the next day isn't much better, not that I ever had very exciting school experiences. I was too shy and nervous to really make friends. I passed Seth in the hallway twice, he shot me a pained look each time, which I looked away quickly, the pain in his eyes echoing in my heart. This goes on for two weeks. Seth meeting my eyes everyday in the hallway, and I look away. We haven't said hi for two weeks, I haven't been to his house for two weeks. I've been more sad than I care to admit, feeling tired and drained and just... like I'm missing a piece of myself. It scared me, I didn't realise how much I was starting to depend on this boy.

It's a small school, but luckily most of the pack wasn't in school most days. It worried me. I kept myself together all day, until I hear the wolves howl at night, only then do I let my tears fall. With the snow piling up outside, I can't even escape in my garden.

"Can I walk with you?" I hear a voice ask quietly next to me, and I jump two feet in the air. I was walking home from school, I look up to find Leah Clearwater walking next to me, her tall frame making me feel tiny. I wrap my arms around myself, my boots crunching in the snow and my scarf whips as a breeze of icy wind warps past.

"S-sure," I stutter, nervous. What does she want from me? Is she angry at me? But she seems neutral, not happy, not unhappy.

I haven't seen you around in a while," She comments casually. But I know while she tries to sound unconcerned, it's just an act.

"I know," I shrug. Continuing the walk on the trail home. "How are you?"

"It's hard," she lets down her wall, I know she's talking about her dad's death. "But it gets easier everyday, or less painful I guess."

"Mmm." I nod, knowing what she meant.

"I keep coming home expecting him to be there, on that same chair in the kitchen reading the paper, I know it's stupid to get my hopes up. It's just... easy to pretend sometimes that nothing changed."

"It's not stupid. If pretending helps you get through the day." I comment. And Leah looks at me, really looks at me, and raises her eyebrows, before huffing out.

"You have something about you that makes me want to spill my guts out, you're a good listener." She muses, and I blush. "I can see why my brother likes you. You balance out his annoying babbling." I look down, kicking an ice chunk and feeling shame at the past few weeks.

"He misses you," She says after a beat. "A lot."

"He does?" I look up at her through my eyelashes. She snorts, "How could you even question that?" I'm quiet again, unsure of what to say. It make me feel warm, that he missed me. Maybe almost as much as I missed him.

"How much longer are you going to go through this internal battle before you talk to him again?" She asks bluntly.

"I won't talk to him again." I reveal my plan, "He'll forget about me soon, I hope for his sake."

Leah snorts again, "Don't count on that, Lilah. He's been moping around for weeks. And you should hear him when we're phased, thinking about you, thinking about kissing you, whining that you'll never talk to him again."

I frown at the thought that he's sad about me, that hurts incredibly. I don't want him to be sad, "Will you talk to him? Tell him to move on? Maybe introduce him to another girl?" I question.

Leah shoots me a weird look, "I don't think you're understanding, he's not going to move on. He's never going to notice another girl like how he notices you."

"Huh?" I ask, confused.

Leah closes her mouth, like she said something she shouldn't have. "I said too much, I need to go. Please just, no matter how this ends, you two will end up in each others life in some form. So, just talk to him." She stomps off, then looks back at me, "I always wanted a sister."

am too startled to answer, dazed. A sister? What? This was insane. This whole situation was insane. I overthink, the wheels churning in my head, until I notice I've strayed from the path home, and it's getting dark.