I Keep You Close

Mom

Aaron, on a normal day, found his boyfriend incredibly attractive. It did not matter what he wore, but Andrew's usual goth attire was indeed favored (what could he say, the black was hot). Today, however, was not a normal day. Despite the sweltering L.A. summer heat, Andrew wore a black suit, white shirt, and red tie. His hair was still teased, but there was only minimal eyeliner adorning his face, and his platform boots were nowhere to be seen. He was still pretty, god he was pretty, but the anxiety he wore like a blanket told Aaron that it was not the time.

"I'll be home by ten alright?" Andrew asked. Aaron zoned back into the conversation.

"Yeah, ten's perfect. See you then." There was a quick okay and then the door was shut. Aaron knew today was stressful for Drew. He did. But he also couldn't help but notice that he didn't get a kiss goodbye.

It's fine though. Andrew was stressed.

.....

And he was. Obligatory family gatherings were stressful for anyone, but particularly for Andrew. His little brother was in town on a business trip and had been guilt tripped by his mother to come over for dinner. In a last ditch effort to not be alone with his parents, He had invited Andrew over as well.

And so, Andrew was getting off the bus at a stop he wished no longer existed and walking the extra three blocks to his childhood home. He wiped his sweaty hands on his slacks and knocked.

Dinner was served at the same table that it had been when Andrew was a kid, and everything was the same. Except the one serving rule. He could have two now if he wanted. He didn't. It was all casual small talk and the sounds of knives on plates until "I'm proposing to Sylvia soon." And it's not that Andrew's not happy for his little brother, because he is. He's not even that jealous really (there's no room for jealousy when your dad locked you in a cold shower for eating too much- if his little brother didn't get caught Andrew was proud and happy for him, not jealous). But suddenly he is reminded that he will probably never get to marry who he loves, much less bring him home to his parents.

Andrew realized too late that he hadn't responded, and that the whole table was looking at him. His father gripped his wrist tight under the table. Andrew wanted to hiss in a breath, but he knew better. He cleared his throat instead.

"I'm really happy for you guys," he said. And it was true. He looked right into his brother's eyes and did his best to smile. "Call me after, I wanna know how it goes." None of it is a lie, and Andrew can tell that his brother knows. Meanwhile, his mother is smiling so wide and squealing so loudly and clapping so frantically that Andrew was mildly concerned that she'd fly away. She stands to hug Andrew's brother around the shoulders.

"That's so wonderful!" HIs father even smiles and lets go of Andrew's wrist to shake his brother's hand and once again Andrew is struck by the realization that this will never happen to him.

.....

When the door to their apartment slams open at nine fifty-nine, Aaron is still sitting up on the couch cuddled in an afghan with a cup of coffee and something playing on MTV in the background. Andrew realizes that he's waiting up for him, and god, he's so in love with Aaron it's insane. As soon as he closes the door behind him, the tears start falling. Slowly at first, and then harder as his beautiful boyfriend makes room for Andrew under his blanket.

He loved his baby so much, and he just wanted his parents to love his baby too.

"I just want my mom to give me a hug too," he tells Aaron. Aaron's heart swells with sadness because they both know that a lot more had to have been different in the past for Andrew to still mean that tomorrow, and the day after that. And they both know that the love they share is not welcome anywhere near Andrew's family. Andrew knows, and that is why he's crying. And there's nothing Aaron can do except hold his boyfriend tight.

"I know baby. I know." Because he does.

Andrew just wants his mom.