Not Everything Done In The Dark Is Shameful Barson Story

Not Everything Done In The Dark Is Shameful Chapter 24

Rafael felt as though his heart dropped to his stomach. As prepared as he was for tonight's conversation, Olivia words caught him off guard, and filled him with pain for her. Her honest unguarded words also filled him with hope, and he was sure this conversation was what she needed, and what they needed. Every time he opened himself up to her he felt better and he wondered if she knew that, he wondered if that was what scared her. He knew at some point Stabler would come up yet again.

He didn't know that much about the man, Olivia didn't like to talk about him. He knew that Stabler disappeared after a 12 year partnership, He heard little conversations once in awhile between Fin and Munch, but these conversations never took place in front of Olivia, as far as Barba knew Olivia was not aware of these conversions. Barba got the impression that Fin didn't always like Stabler or at least how he treated Olivia. Without missing a beat Barba stepped closer to her and spoke. "You won't lose me Liv. I'm not going anywhere, and that I will tell you 12 years from now, 20 years from now, whenever you need to hear it!" He heard Olivia's breath catch in surprise at his words. Barba waited for more of a response, he wanted to be sure all his heartfelt words sank in.

"Rafael" She whispered his name as through it were part of a prayer, he never head her use that beautiful tone before. "I'm sorry that I hurt you today by running, just leave me. "You don't need this. I would never purposely hurt you. I hope you know that."

"Olivia Benson did you hear what I said? I'm not leaving you ever! You need to hear it In Spanish, Italian, French?"

"I told you before it's not you're job to deal with me, to put up with me. I'm responsible for myself." Olivia voice cracked.

"You are not a problem to be dealt with Liv, Who made you feel that way?"

"It doesn't matter. Just leave me, it's ok."

"No and it does matter Olivia, please look at me." He pleaded. She wanted to, but at that moment she couldn't, her eyes were full of tears, if she looked into his eyes they would fall. If they fell, she wasn't sure they would ever stop. When he saw she wasn't going to turn around he continued using his courtroom voice. "So let me get this straight you want to go back to when we first met, but we can still have coffee, and work together.

"Yes." Olivia answered softly.

"Do I always have to call you Benson, or Lieutenant Benson?"

"No of course not."

"Oh because I just want to understand the new rules. Will you still call me Rafael or Raffa, or will it always be Barba? I just want you to see how ridiculous you sound."

"It's not ridiculous if it keeps us in each others lives, You don't know how difficult I can be."

"Oh I don't! You know these rules don't work for me, and they don't work for you. I won't play by them, I'll just make excuses to see you everyday, just like you make excuses to come to my office now."

"I don't do that and eventually you'll get sick of me. Everybody leaves, and I don't blame them, that's just the way it is."

Barba took a deep breath before continuing. "Well there's a first time for everything. I'm not leaving." He paused to let his words sink into her stubborn brain, heart, and soul. After a moment he spoke again, happy he prepared for tonight the same way he prepared for the courtroom. "Stabler left without a word to you after 12 years."

"I'm not talking about him."

"You told me you wouldn't talk about him at the station, we're not at the station now.

"Stabler has nothing to do with this."

"He does Olivia, you brought him up, I think you need to talk about it. He left after 12 years without one word correct?"

"Yes."

"You loved him."

"I told you he was my friend."

"I understand, and you trusted him."

"Yes, I trusted him, he was my partner. I defended him, I almost laid down my life for him, so that he could go home to his family. That's what partners have to do for each other sometimes."

"I understand, you loved him."

"I told you if my feelings ever went beyond friendship, it was because he was my friend. I never slept with him, I never tried to sleep with him. I didn't try to make him fall in love with me."

"I understand. He was married, and you're too moral for that. I know you."

"I'm glad, I was afraid you were going to say I had a master plan to make him fall in love with me. I didn't.

"I understand, I really do. He was married. He had 5 children, you would never have an affair with him, he was off limits. Like you, I would never go after someone who was married. However, you still loved him. You still trusted him, and he let you down."

"He's a good man."

"I didn't say he wasn't. I think he sometimes used your feelings against you."

"You're wrong counselor, drop it."

"On the other hand" Barba paused before slowly speaking again. "I think you liked pining for him."

Olivia turned around. She was facing him now her eyes blazing with a mixture of shock, anger and something else he could not idenifity yet.

"Excuse me? I don't have to tell you anything! You are so out of line right now, but let's get one thing straight I've never pined for anyone!"

"It was nice and safe. He was married. He couldn't offer you all of himself, so you knew you would never have to give all of yourself. You weren't his first priority. He had a family, and you took whatever crumbs he throw your way, and those crumbs made you feel less alone... sometimes."

"Drop it. Please. Barba I don't want to fight with you. I know sometimes it seems like I do. I drive you crazy when I'm on to something, when I'm trying to get a warrant, I know sometimes we only get what we need to catch a dangerous predator because you trust me, even when you disagree, and I'm glad you're not afraid to let me know it. I know when we work together we go back and forth, but I hate the feeling I get when we really argue, when you are honestly angry, disenchanted with me." Olivia turned quickly away from him. She stared at the wall.

Barba was stunned but he couldn't let it show, he took a deep breath and wished Olivia was staring into his eyes instead of the wall, he knew at the moment she wouldn't look at him. "I have never been disenchanted with you nor will I ever be disenchanted with you. It won't happen. Why don't you know that? You see everything else Olivia. Why don't you see that? You think I came here to fight with you? I came here to fight for you."

"What are you talking about?" She asked, slowly shifting from foot to foot.

"I came here to fight for you! Olivia, I love you!"