depression quotes/ sayings

Something I need to get off my chest

On September 29th I took 3 pregnancy tests, all cake back super positive. My boyfriend and I were shocked but already so in love with this baby. In the back of my mind I could feel something was going to go wrong. After my first appointment and hearing that everything was going good we decided to tell family and friends. Being only 18 and 19 we got mixed reactions but everyone came around and we already giving us gifts. Last Wednesday, November 6th 2019 we went in for our 12 week appointment. The doctor could not hear a heart beat but told us not to worry. We got sent down for a more in depth ultra sound. The entire time the ultra sound tech was silent I was shaking the entire time. We went back up to talk to the midwife and waited for what felt like hours. She came in and told us that our baby had stopped growing at 8weeks and 3 days. At 12 weeks and 1 day we found out that I had miscarried our first child. At first I wasn't crying for myself I was crying for my boyfriend and my family. I had let them all down, I was not good enough to carry my baby to full term like women are meant to do. Now almost a week later I am mourning for myself. I had to go to the emergency room and push everything out, I was in active labor and I had to come home without my baby. Me baby that I had already imagined in my life, taking to the park when they were old enough, our first Christmas together holding them in my arms. I from completely numb and unfazed to a complete wreck on floor crying. I cry a little bit every time I use the bathroom seeing all the blood knowing I am no longer pregnant. This baby made me a mom but I have nothing to show for it. May 19th is going to be hard. I don't want to see anyone that I told I was pregnant I don't want people to look at me and feel bad for me. I don't want to tak to people about it but that's all I want to talk about and it's all I think about. Sorry for the rant I know it's been way to long but I'm sure there will be more to come