Where There's Light | ✔

54. Stages Of Grief

Fake dating as strangers was significantly easier than fake dating as a broken up couple.

For starters, we didn't have many rules in the beginning. Hugging, hand holding, cheek kisses-it was all acceptable.

Now we had a list of forbidden interactions. No unnecessary touching or talking or staring unless we had an audience. And definitely no kissing regardless of who was or wasn't watching.

We had so many rules we became robots around each other. Stiff and emotionless. It was painful in more ways than one. No wonder our poll numbers were taking.

According to another poll on Bellcreek Baes we had gone down to fourth place since Nolan came back. Our awkwardness around each other must've been noticeable to more than just us.

We had about a week and a half before prom, then could stop the act. Since we were headed for last place in the race from prom king and queen I wondered if it was even worth it to keep going. Clearly, we've lost the interest of our peers.

Now, Nolan and I walked into school together holding hands. Our fingers weren't interlaced and it felt like the kind of hand hold a parent would have with their child while crossing the street.

We didn't talk. We didn't even look at each other. Well, he didn't look at me. I kept glancing up at him, almost saying something. 

That morning I got accepted into an art program in New York and I wanted to tell him. I knew he'd be happy about. But I couldn't. Because I choose to end things and make it all weird.

So, I kept my mouth shut and continued to walk the halls while holding his hand in the most awkward way possible.

* * *

"Where's Nolan?" Bee asked as she sat her lunch tray on the table, taking the seat across from me.

"Library," I replied, stabbing at my leafy salad.

"Doing what?" She pressed.

"How should I know?" I snapped, immediately regretting it. "Sorry, Bee."

She unwrapped her burger, removing the bun to add ketchup and mustard. "It's fine. Anger is one of the stages of grief."

"I'm not grieving our break up."

"Denial. Another one of the grief stages." She smirked, biting into her burger.

"I'm serious," I said. "I'm fine. Us being together didn't really make sense anyway. I mean, I might be going to New York this summer and what would Nolan do? Follow me?"

"Yes...," She said like the answer should've been obvious. "That boy would follow anywhere you asked him to."

I chewed a fork full of lettuce as I thought about it. Nolan would totally go to New York with me. He probably wouldn't even think twice if I asked him to.

"I don't know," I said, shaking the thought from my head. "After I freaked out on him and ended things the other day he probably doesn't feel that way anymore. What if-"

"Stop," she groaned, rubbing her temples. "Your What If's are always so negative!"

"I prefer realistic."

"Unless you have some psychic ability you've neglected to tell me about there is nothing realistic about your tragic daydreams."

I stared down at my salad, unsure of how to reply to that.

"Jade, you know Nolan. You fell in love with him. You wouldn't have done that if he was a piece if shit, right?" she asked.

"I guess," I mumbled in response, adding more dressing to my salad.