Do I love you, do I not?

Let's be friends.

That morning I was feeling uneasy. Something felt wrong, I mean, I helped Dean cheat on his girlfriend. Where is the girl power? I don't know her personally and apparently, she doesn't even live here. That's not an excuse though, they date, he cheated. I felt sick, maybe he wasn't the sweet guy he seemed to be yesterday. 

He texted me the same night with an emoji that was smiling and blushing. I texted him back saying:

"I'm sorry" basically for kissing him like that and he responded with:

"No worries, we were both a bit tipsy" and pretended as nothing happened. He never told me he had a girlfriend, so I got fiesty and irritated:

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" I sent him and went back to sleep. In the morning I regretted what I wrote and realized that he didn't open my message. I knew he had seen it, but I hoped that he didn't and deleted the message. Right after I wrote:
"Let's be friends" and he responded quickly which meant he was awake and he had seen my previous message. 

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A few days after I started school. There were only 5 boys and 25 girls. Most of my classmates were fine, they were nice and polite. But there was this one girl, really annoying. Her name was Lailani and she was really disrespectful towards us, our teachers and also the school in general. No one cared about her and kept doing their business and so did I. 

Marcus, Alex, Ray, Simon and Jason were the only guys in our class. I had a quick chat with Simon and he told me that he was a rebel in his old school. He saw highschool as an opportunity to change, and become a better person. We talked and laughed, and we switched snapchats. 

Marcus was childish and honestly also pretty annoying. I didn't like him at all and my first impression was bad. I didn't give him much thought though because we never talked. Alex had some vibe to him. He was different, something about him felt familiar almost. I pushed my suspicions down and ignored my gut feeling. Alex was nice, and we became good friends. Ray and Jason were the two most good looking guys, Ray especially was attractive. 

Jasmine was also in my class which I realized that day. Her first friend was Maylene and she was a pretty girl, and so sweet. Naturally, Jasmine and I decided to sit together at lunch. Ray and Jason seemed to be two really talkative guys and we went along very good, therefore we ate lunch all 5 of us. I had a good first impression of everyone at our table. 

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School and life in general floated along, everything went by and I became good friends with everyone in my class, Here is when Mulan and I became best friends. We would meet everyday and talk about our lives. We discovered that we were similar and had almost the same childhood. Her brother was my ex.

I've had 3 boyfriends. But not really. 

David was my first boyfriend and we "dated" for 2 years and 8 months. The reason I don't even count him and I put " beside the words dated, is because of my ex bestfriend Danielle. She was my universe, that's really corny but when it comes to my friends, I love them deeply. Danielle used to harm herself and was in a really bad place mentally, so I knew I needed to be there for her. She dated a lot of guys, she was pretty, ofcourse boys would have crushes on her. David and Danielle was cousins, and they both went to my old old school AS. I "dated" David from 5th grade to 7th I think, It's really blurry. We never dated really though, it was all for Danielle. David got a small crush on me, and he was also the first boy to ever show me some interest, even though I wasn't interested. I loved Dani, and she didn't want me to hurt David, so that's it. I dated David, almost for her, which is bad, iknow, but I was a child. I was 11 I think. David and I never held hands or anything like that, and we were never alone, it was always with Dani. We 3 were a couple almost. But then I moved schools and I broke it off with him. She and I got into a nasty fight and she moved across the world, back to her home country. It wasn't because of me, it was family issues, but it did have timing. 

Eric was the other one, a few years after I changed schools. In my new school, there were some boys that showed tiny interest in me, but it never made any changes because I was mostly with my friends. Eric didn't go to my international school, he was older. He was 3 years older than me, and I was 15 which meant he was 18. It wasn't that big of a difference and I did really like him. He was my first real "fling" and I was nervous around him. He made me smile and he was so sweet. I felt safe with him, he is warm. I don't mean physically warm, well he is, but I mean like mentally warm. It's a weird feeling I can't describe. Eric meant a lot to me and I cared so much about him and I made a mistake. Eric and I went out on walks and we talked for hours. He is the brother, Mulan's brother. I didn't know Mulan back then when I used to talk to him. It was later, almost a year later, when I started in JS Highschool that we became best friends. I was not ready for a relationship cause I was in a bad place mentally and my family was not stable. I took Eric to a Halloween party at Amanda's house and my friends were asking if we were a couple. I didn't know what to answer and I didn't know if he really felt the same way. After we confirmed our relationship to them, it didn't feel the same. I felt unworthy of him. He was way out of my league and I was not ready to be a good girlfriend. I couldn't give him what he deserved, I couldn't be a girlfriend. So I did what I had to. I broke it off with him too and we never talked again. Until we suddenly somehow got contact again. Now, he is one of my best friends, he is smart and funny and I'm happy for him cause he has a girlfriend. Someone who loves him the ways he deserves.

Now to the last one, and honestly it was a joke. I don't believe that he was a bad person, I just think he wasn't mature. He saw me in a sports hall and he made a move. We started talking and connected really good. His name was Dylan and he was funny. Really funny, he made me smile a lot when I had it bad. I don't regret our relationship, I just think we weren't right for each other and it wasn't the right time. I met him 2 months after Eric and I was still not mentally okay. My family problems weren't solved and I was still not ready. He didn't understand that, and I didn't love him. He was sweet, most of the time, but he had tendencies to lash out. We dated for a month and we usually fought. We were both immature and not ready. I broke it off with him too and he didn't let me go like the other guys. He kept coming back and telling me how he was going to marry me. It scared me off, even more, it pushed me further away. We were just not the correct match in any way. I did want to stay his friend though because I thought he was really funny, and he made me smile even though I was in bad places. But he said he couldn't be my friend. It was all or nothing, and I didn't want to lose him as a friend. So we went back and forth several times, even though we didn't date again. It was a weird period, but now we are strangers. We do have common friends, so we bump into each other sometimes.