Do I love you, do I not?

Why can't I commit?

Mulan once said a really wise thing. Scratch that, she gives the best advice but can't follow them herself. She said "problems are like math. It is easier if you write them down." That's what I'm doing now, I'm writing. 

I can't commit. I have commitment issues. I'm scared. I obviously get crushes on boys but then when it becomes too serious I run. I can't. I've never received the love I needed as a child. My mother was really strict and honestly almost mean. I grew up with my grandmother and dad, but he was never in the picture. He would always work, and I knew it was for us but he was also never sober. I can't remember a day in my life where he didn't smell of alcohol. He was never mean though, even if he drank. But it was worse that way. My mother kept throwing him around and even now when they're separated she has some power over him. I've always been a daddies girl, so she tells him to tell me to do things. Cause she and I always fight because I never listen to anyone. Cause I refuse to let her boss me around as she does with everyone else. Now, you probably think my mom is a villain. She isn't. My mother has a pure heart but has a bad temper and is mentally unstable. She doesn't realize that herself which is even worse. But I think she was too young to be a mother, she thought the world was against her. 

There is a lot of reasons why people can't commit. I've done my research because what I haven't told you is: I think I wanna try for Dean, I want to change. 

Dean and I have the same best friends, Mulan, Yuki, Eric, etc. He and I were almost meant to be. There is no way that he wouldn't meet. He used to live next to my mother's apartment and he moved next to my father. There are too many coincidences and I believe that he might be my match. Of course, I don't know about marriage, that's waaaaaaay too far away. I just mean Dean might be the guy I finally can love. He is sweet, makes me smile and makes me happy. Genuinely happy. We have meet continuously, several times throughout these 4 months since I met him. I met him back in August, and now it's November. Actually 15th of November, so it was exactly 4 months ago. 

We were almost friends with benefits for a while, but then I met Landon. Landon was also older than me. Dean heard about Landon and got jealous, he was mad at me, but didn't want to tell me. But I knew Dean, I knew something was wrong, Yuki even confirmed it. I asked her why Dean was mad at me. 

- Why is Dean acting so weird?

- He might be tired, she answered

- Yeah, he told me that. But there is something else, I said, thinking of a reason.

- Well, he saw you talking on the phone with someone and he asked me. 

- Asked you what? I was confused.

- He was wondering if you were talking to a girl, and I couldn't lie but I couldn't betray you so I kept quiet. She told me

- And? What did he say? 

- He just nodded and said, " I understand ". 

That's how me and Dean ended. I got irritated. He affected me more than I thought. More than anyone else, when he got mad at me for something I told him I might do, I got irritated. I told Mulan everything and she told me to talk to him, I knew that I had to, but I wanted to hear her thoughts. 

Dean was a gentleman, he followed me home when it got too late and he was always making sure I was okay. He noticed small details about me that no one else ever noticed. It made me feel important. He made me feel happy, always. One day, when he followed me home, I felt a bit unusual, I felt like I owed him something. I knew exactly what, I owed him an explanation. He had asked me before If we were ever gonna date, and I said no. This was the time I had to explain why, but I couldn't just say "well, I have commitment and trust issues, I'm fucked up and a really mentally and emotionally unstable person." I told him that I've never been in love with someone and that I really cared about him. I even told him that he was special, but I told him that we were never gonna date and that he was free to be with any other girl he wants to. I told him that if he finds any girl he falls for that he should go for her and not even give a thought about me. We were not exclusive and I was gonna do the exact same thing. He seemed upset but he accepted it. He asked me if we were ever ever gonna date, maybe not now, but even in a few years. He was ready to wait for me. But I couldn't make him do that, who knew how long it would take until I was ready? I was broken. It took 4 months. 4 Months for him to make me realize that I was ready, but he never did anything. It was just his aura, his vibe.