When the Least Favourite Doesn't Care

The Child

You might be wondering why I started this story by stating to have had the worst day of my life yet I have failed to say anything about it so far. Trust me, you need to know where I am coming from to understand why I am currently standing on this ledge waiting for the moment – either to pass or be right, I'm not sure which.

So, I have illuminated you on the origins of my birth. Next we come to my childhood and the mess that was made of it. Now, I am fully aware that if Gerald had stood up to his father I would have had a good life. Whether Gerald's family blessed the union or not would not have mattered because my parents would have been in love. Possibly I would have had siblings and I may have had a grand education or maybe it would have been more of a simple education but it wouldn't have mattered because I would have fitted into the world of my peers – either wealthy with status or run of the mill, just trying to get by.

If Grace had forced the marriage on Gerald then life may have been difficult. Gerald may have resented me as I would have been the reason for his entrapment. On the other hand, Gerald and Grace might have re-kindled their love and all would have been well.

As it was, Gerald was forced into recognising the child as his heir and, having quite spectacularly destroyed all hope of a future with Grace his heart was not open to receive anybody else. That said, having an heir damaged Gerald's appeal meaning no woman of standing wanted him – what was the point of marrying into wealth and status if your child would not be inheriting it? With Grace gone and no other woman interested Gerald became quite cold and bitter. He was stony faced and stone hearted. He managed to tease some older ladies away from their husbands for a while so his sexual needs could be met but that was as far as relations with the fairer sex went. All his good looks stood for nothing when his charm and humour had deserted him. Eventually he reasoned that a wife was not required as he already had an heir. If anything this made him worse.

Instead of raising the child with some modicum of love Gerald raised the child with scorn and deprivation. Don't get me wrong, he honoured the wishes of the court and paid the expenses as requested. He even spent time with his heir, in the early years at least. The two would spend long hours fishing together in complete silence or going on horseback around the estate, again in complete silence. Raised eyebrows and the cold sneer were Gerald's chosen methods of communication. If he ever needed to speak to "the child" it was to say negative words in a scornful voice.

For eleven years I had infrequent contact with Gerald. It was terrifying. Not once did he smile or share a happy memory, or even help to create a happy memory. There was never any praise or encouragement from him. I do not even recall him every saying my name. Whenever he talked about me he referred to me as "the child". It was Butler, get the child this or Maid, get this child out of my sight. It was so dehumanising. No matter what I did I was always "the child" and never Lawrence.

During the summer when I was eleven years old I stayed at the stately home for a few nights, no doubt so Gerald could put a tick against one of the duties the court had burdened him with. My dog, Danger, came with me, much to Gerald's dismay; it is possible he hated the dog more than he hated me. Still, with Danger around, at least I had some companionship. On the second day of my visit I overheard Gerald making plans for a visitor: his father. I was ushered upstairs early that night and put swiftly to bed but I couldn't sleep. I had never met my grandfather, he was a mystery man who was talked of with tones of admiration and fear by many, except my mother who had only ever referred to him as an idiot. In my young mind my grandfather was as wondrous as Dracula or Father Christmas – a powerful figure witnessed by no one yet spoken of with reverence.

The knowledge that this mysterious man was visiting the house prevented me from being able to sleep. I tried, really I did but it was to no avail. I had to see him so, naturally, I sneaked downstairs to try and get a peep.