Feather Dark

Chapter 19

Keira

I watched Leigh sleeping, knowing it was creepy and doing it anyway. As he dreamt, his lips tugged into small sleep smiles, and it took all of my self-control not to kiss them. My fingers crept up to his hair and I pushed the strands aside, checking that the bump was still receding. It was the longest I'd ever seen his hair; Leigh had always been clean-cut, but with his hair shaggy and long, I had to admit it made his appearance rakish and just a little dangerous. Not dangerous enough to best me in combat, I thought with a burst of pride, but I wouldn't mention that to him.

I wish I could just talk to you. I'd never had a hint of psychic ability, but I hoped on some level Leigh could understand me. I'm yours. There's nothing we can't work through once we get out of here. I love you.

My tired, lovelorn thoughts began to meander on their own, tripping off along dark paths. Was this how my mother had felt about Henry? I frowned as I considered her feelings about my father, trying for a moment to replace Henry with Leigh, Mom with me. If Leigh came to me and asked me in desperation to care for his child, do I love him enough to do that?

The image of a winged boy with golden hair flew into my mind, a mischievous creature with flashing hazel eyes and his father's smile. The answer was immediate. Of course I'd love a part of Leigh. Of course I'd care for that child and love him as my own.

But I'd do a better job than my mom; I wouldn't let that child grow into an adult before telling them the truth. It's time I told you about your real parents, I said to the imaginary kid in my head, and watched his small face crumple in distress.

Ugh, fine. Maybe I wouldn't have told a little kid, but a teenager, for sure. Sweetie, I'm about to ruin the one strong bond you have with anyone in the world and make you question everything about yourself. The teenager in my mind boiled over like a vat of bubbling hormones, crying and yelling.

Okay, not as a teenager either then. Was there really no good time to destroy a child's certainty in who they were? How did adoptive parents deal with such a massive burden? It would be so easy to justify never telling them; growing up was hard enough already.

In the dark, I wept silently, finally able to understand my mother's position. For years, I'd resented her and kept all thoughts of her behind a wall, not because I didn't love her but because I did – and the thought of not being her daughter had been too much to bear. Finding out she wasn't my mom had shook me down to my core; I hadn't be ready to face that until now.

Ever since she'd told me I was the product of deceit and jealousy, I'd questioned who I was at my most fundamental. Each selfish or irritated thought that came into my head made me wonder if that was a gift from my biological mother, if I was bad at heart. It was part of the reason I'd fled when Noah and Leigh had fought over me, because I'd been freaked out that I was just as bad as Felicity, causing harm to everyone around me.

How much of her flows through my veins? Was she awful because she was beautiful? I'd never considered myself to be beautiful because of my wings, but would I be different if I'd been brought up to believe that my wings were something to be prized? If I thought I was gorgeous, would it have made me just as selfish and entitled? Would I have been a crappier person if I had a sister to feel superior to? These were the questions I'd fought to ignore, because if I was born bad, I'd have to monitor and fight my worst instincts - possibly forever.

And none of this even touched on how I felt about Henry, the guy who'd walked out on me and my mom. As far as daddy-issues went, this was the father-load.