Amanda

My crush

After the big loss of my father , I became so easygoing , I stopped caring about my priorities in life , my education , my family , everything...

I used to wake up every morning feeling upset , sometimes I wish I never wake up because everytime I open my eyes , that horrible event comes to my mind . The picture of my father was always inside my head , inside me ..

It's so horrible when you lose one of your parents because it's like you have lost a piece from you , that peice is priceless.

His smile , his jokes , his wisdom , all of that is gone .

I tried to forget and move on , as my bestfriend was always by my side,  she's so understanding and cheerful , that girl made me forget all my sorrows when I see her .

I used to stay with Irene every school day , we talk , laugh and gossip,  it's really fun .

One day , we were sitting together drinking Cola and suddenly my eyes were looking to a random boy , from the minute I saw him , my heart melt .

I wasn't that type of girls who's thinking to be in a relationship but when I saw this boy that idea completely changed , i wanted to be with him as i thought that we should talk .

He was wearing blue jeans , white shirt and white sneakers.  He's so cute and his name was Scott , he was a metalhead but that doesn't stop me from falling for him .

I didn't tell no one about my secret crush , even Irene , I used to watch him from afar and eat my feelings.

I looked for his social media accounts as I tried to send him a message and tell him about my feelings honestly but I was afraid that he refuses me so I choosed to keep quiet .

Irene noticed my secret love story she tried to ignore it at first but then she insisted to tell her about everything as she was upset that I kept something like that from her .

" It's not a big deal , I just like him and  also I don't think that he'll come and talk to me one day , that's a dream will never come true , that's why I didn't tell you , I'm sorry but please don't take it seriously. " I said that with tears in my eyes .

Irene was surprised to see me that way , crying for a random boy that I used to watch him whenever I have the chance , in that moment , I felt hopeless and tired in the same time , tired from waiting for something impossible.

How will he talk to me ? He even don't know my name or anything about me but I loved him anyway .

It's a strange thing to love someone without knowing him but that's a fact that you can never run away from it .

It's the first time of my life loving someone from my heart , but step by step it becames a nightmare to me , after the tragedy of my father , I had to face some new tragic thing , but it concerns my heart .

I was facing psychological issues , I felt like I'm refused because he never came to talk to me and the saddest thing , is that I waited for his step every day .

I couldn't go and tell him about my feelings courageously because that will be my end , I was afraid of being hurted again .

Irene was watching me torturing myself by thinking about this boy , it's like I was killing myself and feelings for something totally empty .

She tried to convince me many times to let it go and forget him she even told about online dating thinking that hanging out with any guy will help me to get over this .

But I couldn't , it wasn't easy for me , even my mom noticed that there is something wrong with me,  of course I couldn't tell her , she'll make fell worse if she knew that's why I never tell her a secret .

If my dad was alive , he'll give me the right advice and lead me to the light , he always did that , but it's the destiny that took him away from me .

I can't describe the pain of losing a human being , it's completely different from losing anything else , the saddest thing is that this human being will always be far away from you , you'll never meet again . But you'll make it in paradise , that's the only way .

I tried to commit suicide many times , I thought that killing myself will help me to have a ride to the dead land and meet my father there . But I in the end I realize that this is totally wrong.

Dad will never be proud if I ended my life by myself . He always wanted me to be what I want to be and achieve all my dreams , not ending myself by suicide.  That's the only thing that kept me alive , Imagining my father's smile after i realize every wish .

My mother wasn't the motivating type , I never felt that I'm special for her because she gives all her attention to my brother , there's a big difference between her and my father.

But I never complained , I just kept every single word and feeling inside me .

I used to keep silent at home , I've never shared any secret or feeling with anyone.

I barely can say good morning , I don't have any thing to talk about , that was me from the day my father passed away .

My routine was simple but not easy , I go to school every school day then return to home and chat with Irene or watch T.V , I don't study a lot but my grades were satisfying , for me not my mother or my brother who thinks that he's smarter than me .

I stopped caring about everything important , all I wanted is to live in my own special world and get away from people , people are making me nervous and the friendship between me and Irene was getting weaker.

But the only thing that was living inside me is Scott , the other piece that I'm looking for , he didn't come to speak yet but I was hopeful , I didn't gave up because I really wanted him and I mean it but in the same time I was waiting for the destiny to make us close to each other.