All because of love

DRUNK IN DANGEROUS

"it hurts!" in an untidy room with clothes on the floor and a bed that wasn't properly made. "shh! it's going to pass." He didn't seem like a guy that i knew from school that used to hold my hand every time we hang out at our usual spot. His eyes looked evil, he was all over my neck, breathing heavily like a dog looking for bones. it was scary! "Let's use condom, please." He chuckled and asked, " You think i have a disease or something?" i was confused. Did asking for protection mean that i'm assuming that he's sick? Or didn't he understand the meaning of the word" Protection" ? it was my first time but he was so rough. Did he even love me? Or was i the only one loving? " Please stop!" i said, with a shaking voice but he smiled and kissed me like nothing happened. should i scream or let him fulfill his pleasure on me?

i felt so dirty and didn't feel like me at all. He, he was fast asleep like a baby that's tired from playing. This didn't feel good. He's supposed to be my boyfriend not a rapist. He supposed to go gentle on me not to play rough on me. i slowly shifted his leg off me and sat up straight, wore my T-shirt with my jean. Chris brownback to sleep played but i hated it now. i checked the time and it was 2 am, the party was still on. i stared at the mirror in front of me. i looked ugly, make up got messed up by tears. The make up i made up for my boyfriend the man who just raped me. How am i going to look at his friends? Or my friends. They probably think i had a good time. They probably waiting for me to tell them what happened. What am i going to say? suddenly tears went down on

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my cheeks. My heart suddenly pounded. i suddenly remembered every word my mom told me, " Don't trust boys they're trouble!"

in school he hugged me from behind, wrapped his arms around me. The Cologne that used to be my favourite smell wasn't my favourite anymore. i hated the smell now. i hated his laughter . i moved his hands off me and turned to look at his handsome face that could turn evil when he likes, "What's wrong?" He asked. i was confused. i mean, didn't he realize that he forced himself on me? i wanted to slap or split at his face."i need a break." i said. Actually, i didn't want the actual break but to break up. i still loved him but i hated him now. Wait, i suddenly hate everything about him now. i am full of hatred now. All this time i was thinking but this question he asked, it took me off thoughts, " i'm asking! Are you a whore now? You got another boyfriend?" How selfish!

Earlier, i was at my usual spot at school with my friends. We were talking, singing along at the songs we were playing on our smart phones when a tall dark skinned guy approached us. He was in a neat school uniform and was the sRC leader. He looked at me and smiled, my heart skipped a bit and i felt like i was in heaven. "Hi, girls. " he greeted, showing his Colgate smile. Gosh, those beautiful teeth he showed! "Hey! " we greeted back. "i'd like to speak with Zanele, if you don't mind. " he said, calling my name. That felt like a dream! This guy is a girl's guy and every girl is crazy of the way he talked, wore uniform and actually, we love everything about him.

so i excitedly stood up and left my girls giggling in excitement. Under the tree was where we stood closely to each other and he touched my right hand.... and i felt myself vibrating, oh my God i

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was excited. We talked and talked until the bell rang then he gave me his numbers to call him, kissed my cheek and walked straight to classes. i was excited and thought to myself who gives the girl his number not the way around? Right now, i'm at my room drinking pills with alcohol. i am crying and pictures of us together from the wall are on the floor even the gifts that he bought are broken and torn in pieces. My face is wet with tears. i suddenly became dizzy. i tried to stand but my knees were painful and i had no energy. i tried to scream but my voice wouldn't come out. i slowly couldn't see and eventually my eyes were heavy until it went -blank. boom!

"beep, beep, beep... " that's a sound of a monitor. it woke me up, as i slowly opened my eyes and a sharp blinding light destructed my sight, causing me to block the light with my right arm. A thin pipe of a drip on my arm caught my attention. i'm at the hospital, i thought to myself. Why did they save me? i wanted to kill myself but hey, they decided to save their miserable daughter. Do they even know that i'm living a miserable life now? Of course they don't know. "Oh my God! You're okay! " mom said in excitement. Earlier at the party, it was my boyfriend's birthday, Lwando, the man that raped me. i was drinking alcohol and smoking weed with a hookah pipe. With my friends, i was hanging out with. "He's so hot! "Pamela, my best friend pointed out. We were staring at him while he was laughing with his friends... and basketball team mates. "Yes, he is. " i agreed with a smile on my face. R'n'b and hip hop music was playing on music player and every friend and school mate danced, some were even kissing or flirting. "Do you think you're ready to have sex with him? " Pamela asked and i looked at her and said, "He's my boyfriend. He deserves some cake. "

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then we laughed. i knew that i was drunk and high. i knew that i wanted to impress my friends. i knew i wasn't ready to break my virginity. i knew that he had to wait until i'm ready but i couldn't let the thought of knowing that there are many girls queuing in the line to have sex with the man i love. but there's something i didn't know. i didn't know that he'd take the whole cake by force. i never knew that the man of my dreams would possibly rape the woman he claims to love.

Police officers came in, the leading guy was holding something to write on. i guess he was the detective. He looked at me and i was nervous, thinking of everything that has happened in the past. "Morning, mam. " he greeted with a smile on his face and i faked one too, hoping he'll be easy on me. "i'd like to know what happened and i need you to tell me EVERY-THinG. Will you be able? " he asked after ordering me to tell him my painful past. How am i going tell him every detail? Where could i possibly start? i cleared my throat and slowly sat up straight. before i could say anything, i thought about the party again. We were sitting on his bed and i was on his chest with his arms wrapped around me. "i love you Zanele. " he said, and i was so happy to hear that cause he always said he likes me or was that the way to make me fall for his trick? He made me face him and.... passionately kissed me then broke it and said, "Let's do it. i'll be gentle, i promise. " i sighed and went back closer to the pillows. He slowly climbed on me like a snake ready to attack it's demon. Or was i his demon and he was a snake?

still in hospital, questioned by a detective. " i was... " i couldn't let my voice out when a detective offered me water then i took a sip and continued with my story by saying, " i was at his room. He

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promised to be gentle... " i inserted my hands inside the blanket cause i suddenly felt cold. so i added, " i couldn't scream because i was drunk and high... " "so you smoked weed? " he asked and i looked at him then he continued by saying, "Do you know that smoking weed is illegal and plus you are under age. That means you also broke the law. " i was shocked. not because i didn't know that i broke the law but i was laying a charge here! i was sharing a hurting story which has an evil character who's my boyfriend -the guy Who raped me! Or was this not important enough? Was a young 17 year old raped girl not important in south Africa? ...

Why do we have to cry out loud until our lungs hurt in order for us to be heard? After so many questions i asked myself, i remembered my rights. "i'm sorry, i need a lawyer. " he suddenly changed his facial expression into anger. so this is a man's world. Lawyer? That's what i thought. i didn't actually asked for a lawyer and i didn't even talked about smoking. i only said, " i was drunk. " he then wrote something and looked at me then asked, " why did he rape you? " i was caught up by the question. How can he ask such a stupid silly question? "sir? " i called out then he repeated the question. "why did he rape you? " and i fumed in anger then asked, " Why would i know why people rape other people? You're supposed to go out there and look for the guy who raped me not asking stupid questions! " he stared at me, confused . Why do we have to take the blame for the things that have been done to us? How am i suppose to know why was i raped?