Windows To The Brain

High

Not exactly cloud nine—happy, but a different kind. 

That feeling of adrenaline and your heart racing can give you a shiver or makes you even more excited than you were. 

I fell and was kept on the ground until I finally forgot about everything except for what was happening there and then.

I was always for living with risks.

Living on the edge.

Because I didn't care. I never did. At the time at least. The taste of exhilaration made itself known as soon as I chose to take a step onto that ride. That feeling on almost falling out made the light-headedness enter my mind but in the best way possible. In the way it becomes addicting. Not being in control for once was amazing, until the ride curved and came back down. At that moment I wished I was in control. Maybe Y.O.L.O wasn't as good as it sounded, but goodness was it fun.

Not having to care about consequences, not wanting to care, not needing to worry for once. Just being free and letting go of those morals hammered into your head by your parents.

Those morals that you didn't get and slip away from as soon as you enter the ride.

Just getting a break from worrying about everything. Even the things you shouldn't want to worry about, but t the same time you need too because no one else would. No one else would care if they ate. If they were quiet. If they weren't smiling as much. If they choose to sit somewhere they'd never dare sit. If they start to slowly shut down. When they choose to stay strong and hold back emotions just to stop others from worrying. 

Even if there is that person who naturally worries.

The parent of the group. The overseer. The person who decided to take on the responsibility of every single of their other friends. That person who plans everything, and makes sure to include everyone. The person that gets along with someone so easily. The person who picks up all the slack that everyone seemed to forget about.

Maybe I don't want to worry about others anymore.

But who else will stop them?

The adrenaline that you always want to come back to. The light feeling on your heart and in your head.

Like when you go to the swinging boat ride in an amusement park. When you go up, so does your stomach. When you go down, so does your head.

 Jumping fences, avoiding the entrance just to go the hard way, crossing your arms, and always wanting to keep eye-contact even if you feel like you'll cry because that's just what you need to do to feel free again. 

Even if it hurts.

Hurts others. Hurts yourself.

It hurts to see their expressions morph into hurt and surprise when you say something that was supposed to be what you normally did. Something that had some playfulness. Something that you usually say in between the banter you have. Only it came out with more bite and you immediately regret it. 

You don't do anything though.

You don't say sorry right there and then because the moment passed and everyone else moved on besides the person you said it to.

They grew quiet.

...and you did that.

I tried to brush it off, but then the hostility that came out went right back to me. You reap what you sew right? 

The feeling of becoming high. Not the high that refers to the drug. It's so hard and so easy to describe at the same time. You feel happy, satisfied, drunk and addicted to that elated feeling. Almost like a drug, but you only get it when doing a certain action. 

Maybe it's kissing for you. Maybe it's showing more skin. Maybe it's proving someone wrong. Maybe it's deciding to do something different. Maybe it's taking a risk. Maybe it's putting yourself in danger. Maybe it's steeping on that ride.

I'd do anything to get that feeling of being high.

That freeing feeling.

No worries.

No concerns.