Windows To The Brain

Devotion

Giving your all to something. Wholeheartedly wanted to complete something.

It seems like this whole book is based upon romantic feelings. I thought I would get sick of it eventually.

Always giving only to feel like I barely got anything back.
Regardless of intentions.

Knowing that someone had thought the world of me captivated my mind.
The feeling of giddiness from a glance or a fleeting touch.
Goosebumps appearing when smiles would be tossed your way.

That concept of being devoted to a single person.
Consistently choosing them over anyone else.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't get sick if it.
That hope.
Getting elated if some person would talk to me even a little interest in something more.
I'd give up on chasing after someone who didn't try to slow down for me and completely turn away.
Tune them out and move on.
Shoving those feelings down until they left.

Fondly looking back at them and preparing myself for something way different.
Because nothing ever repeated itself.

Every situation was unique.
Even my favorite moments wouldn't repeat. As much as I would love to anticipate those moments. Following the motions and movement enough to expect what they would do next. Only for them to fall short.

I began to lower my expectations severely. Maybe that's why I'm so oblivious sometimes.
When the person I want to make a move most-- actually makes a move, I don't notice.
I blow it off and continue.
Not believing anybody that admits for feelings or any sort of attraction.
Not believing that anyone would be willing to give their all for me.
The thought never would cross my mind.
Never would someone be attracted and attached enough to be devoted to me.

Even if I could trick myself or get tricked into thinking that I was deserving of that feeling.

That the feeling was real.

I've given up on that devotion.
Making sure I don't get hurt.

Placing that cold exterior on my shoulders and shifting my attitude.
My appearance.
My tone.
My body language.

Dress unattractively so no one becomes attracted.
Act rudely and people won't want to talk to you.

While trying all of my tactics, they'd eventually falling apart.

One way of another a smirk or smile would slip through that façade.
A tear would slip down my cheek.

I'd look away to regain my compossure.
Walk away to stop the coldness from melting.

It's always fear that stops me from fully making connections.

The fact that people would admit that my looks made them like me at first.
Personality was a bonus for them.
The last words that you hear from the person you thought you loved.

That fear of that pain coming back scared the shit out of me.

Then again, it's worth it if I'm able to feel that high.

I didn't care if they would stomp on my feelings after.

Maybe I'm a simp of whatever the hell the new word is.

I don't care if I'm hurt.

Well maybe I do.

As much as I've said that I want that feeling so bad to the point of being used.
I don't want it to be temporary.

I've given up on it.

'cause who cares?

Who the hell cares?