Your Precious Time (KnB Midorima Shintarou BxB)

Chapter 4: Get Better

Sunday, I woke up from my supposed to be nap, but notice that I slept really long.

From around 6 o'clock, when I wennt to take a nap, in the evening to now, which is

[7:56 am]

I slept for almost 14 hours! 

How did I sleep that long? I also don't remember any of my dreams so it's still like it is on a normal day in my pathetic life.

"Ah damn, I'm thirsty." I think there is still is some orange juice, yeah I'll go get that.

After going downstairs and almost tripping over random stuff, like always, I'm in the kitchen en see my phone.

'Agh I should just apologize to Mido, this is in no way his fault. It's all my own damn fault.' I think while forgetting the juice and ploffing down in a chair with my knees pulled up to my chest.

'I'll Just make up with him, kiss him and everything will be back to normal until I can't take it anymore again and we will be going in a circle like always.' Sigh

'I can't keep doing that to Mido. Just making up to him won't even make me feel better, so it'll definitely won't make Mido feel better. I need to prove to him that I will get better or that I am better.'

It's time I grow up and help myself.

'I shall stop cutting forever from now on.' I vowed to myself.

So to keep this promise, I'll remove most of the razors, and most super sharp scissors. I will hide those knives that just look like they are made to hurt someone instead of something like meat.

I guess that's a beginning. But what to do if that isn't enough? I'm really out of ideas but I'll search some things up on the internet.

I go upstairs and get on my computer. Google opens immediately and I start typing and searching.

"Hmm no, not the butterfly project, it looks really stupid."

"Just 'Fight the urge to cut' yeah, like I haven't been trying that already."

"'Distract yourself' yes, but how?" I found this one on two other sites already but I can't seem to find how to distract myself when I would have a huge urge to cut.

"'Take depression pills' pfffh, like that would help. You'd only spare the pills and after a while take them all at once." What rubbish advice, I think.

"'Start by being aware of which situations are likely to trigger your urge to cut', 'Go see a therapist'. I don't want to see a therapist. Why are all those 'tips' just telling you the obvious?" I already know those damn things. I don't need you shoving it in my face, I need useful tips.

After searching for another half hour, I still found nothing useful. they all say the same. I'm almost in tears when I think:' Maybe there is just no solution for your pathetic problems.'

No, no ,no. I will not cry. There will be a way. For now I will just try to 'Fight the urge'.

How come I feel exhausted already, mentally exhausted?

"I'll just go get something to drink." I know when I'm alone I talk to myself. I am my only company at home.

'Oh there still is orange juice!' I think happily. Let's just forget about it and enjoy your juice.

After drinking and enjoying I get back to thinking how I will be able to ask Mido to forgive me, in a way I won't be disappointed in myself.

I think... I need to get better and be clean for awhile before I can ask Mido to forgive me. Otherwise, there would be no reason for him to believe in me to get better. 

It looks so easy when you just say that.

Just stop cutting, fight the urge, ignore places or stay away from actions that will make you want to cut.

It just isn't that simple, you don't control situations, the situation controls you and that's the problem. You don't see it coming, you don't decide if get bullied or not, it just happens.

On some sites I saw that you need to talk to your parents about it. I just don't want them to worry about me when they're away. They will or not care, or blame themselves. I don't want either of them to happen, but a part of me thinks it's a good idea, but a bigger part of thinks it's such a bad plan. That they will only blame themselves for not being there, or for creating such a big good-for-nothing- crybaby. I'm scared for the answer, but it's the little bit of advice that might work, so I'll try it some time, maybe two days after they get back. They should have recovered enough from their business trip, and will be able to maybe help me.

'Ugh, I'll have to miss Mido for such a long time. But it will be worth it, he will be proud of me for helping myself, and I will be proud of myself also.' Sigh, I can't wait for something good to happen and to get over this miserable part in my life. 

I can't let Mido in the dark all this time while wondering what I am doing or why I am not calling him.

I don't want to think about this too much, I might not have the courage to do it in five minutes, so 'Just call and do it.' I tell myself.

[Calling to Mido-kun]

Shit, shit, shit I am not ready for this.

*ring* *ring* Rin-*

He picks up and my heartbeat quickens so fast in such a short time, he might be able to hear it.

There is a small silence before he speaks: "Hey Jakey [pronounced: Jay-key]"

"He-hey" I stutter back.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Why are you calli-" he can't finish his sentence because I cut him off.

"I won't speak to you for some time." I blurted out.

"What, Why?"

"I want to get better for you. So you can forgive me."

"You were  forgiven a long time ago, I was never really mad." he says.

"Just a bit stubborn." He muttered afterwards.

"Baka, You shouldn't forgive me that fast! But my decision is made, I will get better for you. So you will not have to look after me all the time and worry." I tell him.

"What if I like looking after you."

"I will get better on my own. You will still have to look after me, I'm still me and I still get in dumb troublesome situations you know."

"I will help you get better."

"No I have to do this on my own. This is something I need to do without you, I'm sorry."

After that it goes quiet on the line, until he says a bit softer:

"That's okay, it's okay. Just know I'm always there for you? You know you can call me every time."

"-ey Mido, tell your pretty distracting boyfriend goodbye and get back practicing." I hear on the background.

"Euh Jake, I have to go. It was really nice that you finally called me. I guess I'll see yo-, no you'll come to me when you feel like you're ready. Take all the time you need."

"Okay, thank you Mido-kun." I say, but I see the connection already had been broken.

I had spent the rest of the day thinking about ways to help me stop cutting, not realizing I barely ate like always. I was only thinking about how to stop cutting, I didn't realize I was underweight. It never really bothered me, but if you saw how much I did not eat, you'd think I was anorexic. I looked a bit like that also. But I never noticed I should eat more, or that I'm being unhealthy, I just ignore hunger 'cause it annoys me and eating isn't something important to me. I just didn't eat, I don't really get dizziness so I never noticed something wrong about me eating style. I ust didn't really think about eating. I just did it when I felt like it, which wasn't very often.