beautiful

please don't go

song - listen before i go: billie eilish

TW: panic attacks, lots of crying, hospital setting

Janis fell to her knees. Her legs had given out. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Mrs. Heron's voice was shaky and Janis could tell that she was trying not to break down over the phone.

"I-I'll be there as s-soon as I can," Janis had choked out. She wasn't even sure if she could move.

"Thank you, Janis. We are going to call Damian. We know she would want you both to be there," Mrs. Heron sniffled.

Janis hung up, staring at the carpet beneath her knees. She couldn't believe it. All she could remember was Regina trying to get into her pants and then Janis kicking her out. And then that phone call. A phone call she would never be able to forget.

Janis pulled herself off the floor, shakily reaching for the door. She didn't even bring her jacket that had been ripped off of her and thrown on the floor. Janis practically fell down the stairs. She grabbed the car keys with tears streaming down her face. She stumbled out of her house, almost forgetting to lock the door.

She sat in the driver's seat, shaking. She quickly texted her mom.

Had to run to the hospital. Cady emergency. I should be back by morning. I love you.

Janis took a deep breath, trying to swallow her oncoming panic attack. She drove towards the all-too-familiar building. It felt as though it took her an eternity to get there. She could feel her chest getting tight and the second she parked, she let it all out. She was hyperventilating and sobbing. She knew this was the last time. She didn't want to accept that fact, but she knew it was the truth. She was going to lose the girl she loved the most.

A knock on the passenger window startled her. It was Damian. Janis tried to wipe away the flow of tears as she unlocked the door. She took one look at Damian's red puffy eyes and she lost it again. She sobbed harder and harder. Damian wrapped his arms around her and let his tears escape. They both cried and cried, never letting go of each other. And they both knew how this heartbreaking night was going to end.

They were going to lose their best friend.

------------------------------

The white room was silent except for the beeping of the machines keeping Cady alive. Janis couldn't stop shaking. Her and Damian sat on the opposite side of the room of Cady's parents. Janis couldn't look at them.

No one spoke. They only cried. Cady's lifeless body hurt Janis more than anyone else could know. What did she do? What didn't she do? What made her do this? What was going through her mind?

"D-did she ever t-talk to you guys about doing this?" Mr. Heron asked, wiping his eyes.

"N-no, sir. She w-was always so h-happy around us," Damian answered, still holding Janis. He hadn't let go of her since they were in the parking lot. And Janis didn't want him to let go.

"It's just that..." Mr. Heron trailed off, his words caught in his throat.

"She didn't leave a note," Mrs. Heron whimpered.

That's what set Janis off. She felt like any piece that had been holding her together had broken. She crumpled into Damian's arms, sobbing harder than she ever had before. She didn't even cry this hard when her dad left. She sobbed and sobbed, almost causing herself to throw up.

The thought of Cady trying to kill herself in a spur of the moment decision made Janis realize something. It was all her fault. She saw what happened with Regina. Cady had thought that Janis was cheating on her. That wasn't the truth.

In that moment, Janis wanted to just wake Cady up and tell her what really happened. But it wouldn't happen.

Janis couldn't stop crying. Hell, she was close to passing out. She could barely breathe. All she could do was cry. She slowly wiggled herself out of Damian's arms, sinking to the floor. She took Cady's cold hand in her own and cried. She held her hand close to her. It was the only thing she could hold on to. Whispering, begging for her to come back.

Janis couldn't handle it. She wanted her back. She gripped Cady's hand tighter than ever. She never wanted to let go. Even if it meant that she never woke up. She never wanted to let go of her girl. She never wanted to let go of the girl she could never stop loving. She never wanted to let go of her lifeline.

She wanted a lifetime with Cady. She wanted forever. But her forever was cut short. Because Regina couldn't let anyone be happy. And yet, Jania couldn't help but blame herself. If only she had pushed Regina off sooner. If only Janis had been a little bit stronger.

What was she supposed to do without Cady?

She knew how many times she had hurt Cady. She had felt like she never made it up to her. Like she still didn't deserve the forgiveness and love that Cady had given her.

This was her Caddie. She never wanted to let go.

Janis thought she had felt Cady squeeze her hand.

One last sign of life.

But then the beeping stopped. It was just a long noise. And Janis felt her world fall apart.