kiss me | billie eilish

14 - depression

~Lylah's POV~

3 weeks since Billie and I went our seperate ways. 3 weeks. As soon as we started our break we stopped talking, and haven't talked since. If I'm being honest, I haven't found it easy. Since I turned 18 I've been getting ready to move out into my own house, Billie said I could live with her for the time being but now I can't really.

My parents said no to me moving back in so instead I found a one bedroom apartment that was like $50 a week for my poor ass, and here I am. Alone, trying to be happy. But I don't think I am.

~

My alarm sounds and I groan as I roll over to turn it off. "I don't wanna go to work!" I yell. I lay in bed for a little while until that little while turns to half an hour and I'm running late. "Shit!" I basically fall out of bed, quickly getting dressed and brushing my teeth before running out of my apartment and down the fucking 20 flights of stairs.

~

Back, and forth. Back, and forth. I go, placing labels on soaps. I was lucky to land a job at Bath and Body Works, and I'm grateful for it, though doing the same thing over and over leaves me with only one thing. My mind. That's a scary place.

"Yo, you okay?" My co-worker says looking over at me. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I finally snap, throwing the roll of labels out of my hands and storming off.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I walk home, not having enough money to put gas in my car. Always feeling tired, but never being able to sleep. Always feeling hopeless, even when your life is going in the right direction. Never wanting food and it's showing by the amount of weight you're losing. That's me.

"What did I fucking do to be this way?" I cry, running through the entry to my apartment and to the bathroom. My body slides down the bathroom wall as I tug at my hair. Sometimes I feel like there is something eating me up from the inside, as if my conscience is telling me I'm not good enough. Everyday I do my hair, wear loose clothes and fake a smile; but some days I just can't take it anymore.

My eye slides over to the sink, wear my razor sits from yesterday. I look down at my legs, then back up at the razor before I suddenly find myself sitting on the edge of the bath, blade in hand. It feels like there's no tears left to cry as the razor makes contact with my thigh. "Ah!" I wince in pain, blood dripping from my leg. You deserve this Lylah. You deserve to be in pain.

Being numb is normal now.

~Billie's POV~

I check my calendar, 3 weeks since I've last talked to Lylah. Lylah was always the type to apologise and come running back quickly, but I guess she's doing just fine without me now. What an ass I am. I'm still blocked on all platforms for Lylah so if I ever want to talk to her it's through Eli and Isaac.

billie: hey long time no talk

billie: do y'all know how lylah's going?

isaac: We were gonna ask you the same.

elijah: She hasn't really talked to us since last time you called

elijah: Rumour has it she hasn't really talked to anyone

billie: fuck

billie: have you even tried to visit her?

billie: i bet her mom would let you in to see her if she wasn't alright or something

isaac: Her mom? She lives alone Bil

billie: what? since when?

elijah: Since she moved out from yours.