~I feel as though the sun might not be enough. My heart deserves to be rained on....chained up. Have I lost enough to make it seem like someone has gained? Pain? I could know nothing about pain until it rains. My soul is on a roll and my heart is beating like you're banging on a drum. Love? I know NOTHING about love until I have seen the sun. When I leave I must try to conceive what has been lost. I am broken. I am broken open and my heart has spoken and it says..."I am dying. I am tired of crying. I am tired of trying...." Oh woe is me because my heart is lost in agony not glee. My poor, open sore. My dying heart"~
I closed her poem journal and laid it on the desk. It had been two days since I found out about Anna and her secrets. Michael knew, but didnt want to say anything about it and upset me. Lately my life has been like a dark cloud. I wont talk to Michael, taking my anger out on him. I dont want to tell him why im acting like this.
He walks in and grabs his jacket. "Im taking Teddy for a walk." he said. I said nothing and just looked like I was drunk and high off of something. He kissed my cheek and left out the door. I feel like I wanna just end my life. End it all.
Why am I so caught up in Anna and my father? It really shouldnt effect me. I have a liar of a friend and a deadbeat of a dad. What else is new?
I go into the bathroom and take a couple pills. Im upset and tired. I look at Michaels bathrobe and bring it to my nose. I miss his love so bad it hurts. I just wont let him in knowing another woman has strong feelings for him. I feel like he's cheating on me with Anna in my head.
Going downstairs I think about how stupid I am and how I could think that. I found a small box on the table with a pink ribbon. From Michael I thought. I opened it up and it was a cupcake from Mariam's Bakery. I remember when Michael and I used to go there and eat up her cakes until they were all gone.
"Maybe this will cheer you up. You're my sweet cupcake Naielah. Love Michael" the note read. I sat and ate the cupcake with no emotion. Another secret. My father has been screwing Anna for the past year. Leave it up to my brother Dakari to tell me. Hey, what ever mother doesnt know wont kill her.
I sat there and looked out the window. It had started to rain. I then had a thought buried in my mind that I tried to erase. Here it is:
~Years Ago; 12 year old Naielah~
I was walking home from school with Anna, and Toby kept behind us. "Toby go away!" I said walking up faster. Anna waved him away but giggled. "See ya tomorrow girls!" he called as he walked the other way. Anna smiled
"You call that attracting?" I asked
"Just a little cute. He likes you Naielah! You're the most popular girl at school!"
"So what? I just wish people would look at me as the creative and ambitous girl, not the rich and pretty girl."
"At least they think of you as that! I get no attention!" she said
"Oh Anna....you dont wanna be in my position. Its no way to celebrate your life. Trust me." I said hugging her. I said goodbye and went into the house. Mother was in the kitchen cooking and Dakari was doing his homework.
"Hey LayLay!" he said hugging me
"Hey Kari! I know your day went better than mine."
"I dont know about that sis." he said chuckling. Mother smiled and put some food on the table.
"Will father be joining us tonight?" I asked
"Unfortunately no honey." she said sadly
Dakari hung his head down and grabbed his books. "Go clean yourselves up and come back down for dinner!" she said smiling. We went upstairs and put on our pajamas. We ran back down stairs for dinner.
