Ugly And I Know It

POV~ Cat

Well this summer I've been hanging out at the park. You know the small town right? Well everyone thinks that nothing could go wrong in public, big mistakes. In fact the people at the park are probably the most stoned people, and at the same time the most judged people. I wouldn't say they're bad. I mean, I used to be one of them.

I don't think it gives anybody a reason to be judgemental about my friends though. Some of them are actually pretty nice sometimes. They give me smokes and pretend to listen to my problems. I don't smoke more than cigarettes from them though. They could do whatever they wanted and their parents didn't care, but I really got tired of the "stoner" look anyways.

I may have been one of them too at one point. That's only because it gives me a way to relax. I'm not addicted and personally I only take one if I'm offered. Otherwise, it isn't really a hobby of mine. People think it is though. They think that I smoke weed all the time. Which I don't, I did once about a year ago. Then I decided it was too much a pain in the ass to stick with. I mean really how do people deal with it? It's fun while you're on the high, but it just leaves me empty and stinky. The smell can get revolting sometimes.

It's not easy for me to fit in anywhere though. I mean what else do I have left? Everybody hates me and the only people I have left are the friends in the lowest places. So what can you do? I guess I'm ugly on the inside to most people, but to be honest they didn't dig very deep. They looked at my hair, clothes, make-up, shoes, and face, and the smoke in my hand -then they looked away. They didn't think about me at all, they gave a glance over.

I look at myself and I find that there are a few people who understand. They honestly know that I've got the 'short end of the stick' and they try to relate. They get that it's rougher for me than most. They don't have much to compare to though, because I honestly don't pretend to be like them. As much as I wish...

For a while I wished I were like Hannah. She seemed cool at the time. I mean, she just had everything that I didn't. She had both her parents. She was incredibly skinny, tall with boobs (I used to be as flat as a board) and had pretty hair, face, make-up. That was just the way she looked though. Hannah was everyone's friend, or acted like it, she smiled a lot and she was happy. Not to mention she had a little sister that is really cute and two happily (still) married parents. I guess you could say I was a little jealous.

Then, Hannah even had a hot boyfriend. I had been trying to get a boyfriend for a while. There were a lot of guys I liked, but none of them would go out with me. They only texted me to flirt with me. They were playing me like an x-box. I didn't understand how in one week she got this guy, that she talks about all the time. She only saw him for a week at a camp she went to in the summer. I saw him when he came to our homecoming football game. I instantly sent him a facebook request because I thought he was cute. So, because Hanna is my best friend and she wouldn't get mad at me, I hung out with them during the football game. I usually annoy Hannah just for fun because she gets irritated really easily, but it's funny because she won't say anything about it.

So, I hung out with Hanna and her boyfriend the entire time. I even tried to hold his other hand when they were holding hands. It didn't last long, but it was worth a try. Well, let's just say after a couple of evil "get the hell away from us" looks from Hannah I realized how much I really wanted a boyfriend of my own. I wanted to hold hands with someone and laugh with them and kiss them, and walk around with them during football games. Why did Hannah have to have everything I never could? I mean I'm ugly, and all the guys think so too.

I started crying and I told Hannah what was wrong. She was a good friend for a while there, but she was still hanging out with her boyfriend instead of me. It's like she didn't care at all that I didn't have a boyfriend, so she was just going to spend all her time with hers. Well, what kind of friend does that? Then what's worse is that after the football game I was standing right next to her when he asked her if she would kiss him before he left for the game. I mean really? What kind of insensitive bitch would completely flaunt that in front of someone like me?

Get this, she turned bright red and shook her head. Was she embarassed of someone like him? He's cute and he's so nice and he was holding her hand! She was always telling me how much she couldn't wait for her first kiss. Then, after Hannah rejected him, he lifted up her face so she would look at him and he said it was okay! What the hell? Why was he still with her? How was she different from any other girl? How was Hannah different from a girl like me?

Well, she's not and I can tell you that everyone is the same. She was just lucky enough to get everything. I still don't get it. Hannah betrayed me and yet someone like him couldn't give f*ck about that. Well, that was before she did it, but still she hasn't changed. She's still stupid.