Because of You

Lauren

My stomach is doing cartwheels right now. I am about to meet the two people that I am going to be living with for the next three years and I am nervous as fuck about it. I hardly ever get nervous but when I do it's like my body has a mind of its' own. Earlier, when I came up to the dorm to unload all my crap, no one was here. 

I finished unloading my car then unpacked everything and put it all where it needed to go. After I got done with all that shit there was still no one around, but then when I went to walk out the door I noticed a piece of paper hanging on the back of it. 

When I looked at it, I realized it was a note for me from my two new roommates telling me they were working and wouldn't be back until eleven. So here I sit, on this ratty ass couch waiting for them to return. Apparently, their names' are Bailey and Tina, I am really hoping we all get along well or else I am going to be screwed when it comes to having friends here because I am not the little social butterfly I use to be.

I could always just stay out of their way if none of us get along. I do have my own room just like they have their own rooms. We have a small living room that we all will be having to share. Along the back wall of the living room is a little setup that I guess is supposed to be a kitchen, with a small stretch of counter space for a microwave and a smaller sized fridge between that and the wall. We all have a bathroom for us to share, it isn't anything spectacular just a sink, shower, and toilet.

The little apartment isn't fancy but I love it because I am able to live my own life and do my own shit without having my parents tell me what I "need" to be doing. My mother would shit bricks if she saw this dorm and trust me I don't mean that in a good way. It isn't fancy enough for her gold plated taste buds. Where the one counter-top that we have is a cheap fake wood my mother expects granite or fucking marble. Where the living room is small and in the same room as the kitchen, my mother would expect a 50 person sitting area. 

In other words, I'm glad to be away from her and dad. I never have understood their need to have everything fancier. Trust me when I tell you, that is one trait that I did not get from them thank God, I would much rather have a ratty old hand me down couch with a few tears in the cushions like what Tina, Bailey, and I have in this living room and an old outdated TV, that is probably from the nineties, than to have all the fancy crap and bullshit that comes along with it.

The only thing I want from my parents is for them to just leave me the hell alone. When someone betrays you the way they have me, you realize they never really loved or cared for you at all. The day I do have children I know I will never treat them how my parents did me. I will let them make their own choices for their future, let them make mistakes like all kids are supposed to do so they learn from it and can gain some life experience, let them know that I will always be there for them no matter how bad the situation is and no matter whose fault it was. 

I will always stick by my children, I made that vow to myself the night everything changed in my life and I fucking doubt a motherfucker is going to change my mind on it. No child deserves to be shoved off like a piece of fucking meat just for a fucking business deal! Yea, that's what it was. A damn business deal! Hope dad got what the fuck he wanted out of it because they sure the hell never thought of me, of my feelings, or of my damn body while doing their little negotiations with that fucking little twerp's father.

I try like hell to get my mind away from the nightmare of memories, but the harder I try the more they keep coming. I stand up from the couch and start pacing the room trying to distract my mind but nothing is going to work against the panic attack that I know is coming on and if I don't get out of here it will just get worse with me thinking the walls are moving in on me. I go into my room and quickly change into some shorts and a t-shirt and some running shoes.