Aquarelle [h.s]

thirty-four

"That was bad, that was very bad" I said as soon as I realised what had just happened, instinctively taking a step back from Harry and almost tripping over the leg of the table near the entrance, where we were still standing.

He didn't say a word, and I couldn't tell what was going through his mind. I wondered if he was freaking out just as much as I was, because I felt as if I was about to faint and it would've made me feel a thousand times better to know I wasn't the only one.

What even were we supposed to do? That whole situation was screwed up, and wrong, and I didn't know if I wished it's never happened or, in some messed up way, was glad that it had.

"I think we should sit down and talk about it right now" I told him, trying my best to clear my head. We needed to talk about it, establish boundaries, know what was okay and what wasn't, or else I was sure I would've ended up going crazy.

The only way to make sure nothing else of that kind would've happened again was to make it so we both knew and understood where we were standing. It made no sense to keep going back and forth in that way, each time it becoming a bit harder to stop.

"What's there to say?" Harry asked, but followed me anyway as I made my way towards the couch, sitting down at the farthest end even before Harry could approach it.

He seemed to understand my actions, because he left some space between us when he sat down, and I looked at the cushion, immediately feeling the void and emptiness between me and him.

"I don't think I want this" I said, keeping my eyes focused on the light coloured fabric of the couch, not daring to meet his eyes, that I could feel burning on me. I would've never been able to speak about it properly while looking at him. It was just... too much. Too intense, too much of everything. "Like, it's all nice and fun, but we're both adults. This kind of, fooling around thing isn't good."

My words were only met by the most complete silence on Harry's side, but I didn't dare to look up to try to understand what he was thinking, knowing that doing that would've only resulted in me not being able to continue the conversation.

"We already know it won't end well" I said. "We're only wasting time and if it doesn't end well our friendship will be ruined, I don't want that."

"Okay" Harry replied and I automatically looked up before I could stop myself from doing so, regretting it right after. His eyes were focused on me, greener than ever, a serious but indecipherable look in them, and I died inside a little.

"It's just... it doesn't make much sense. I already know I'll regret this whole thing later" I mumbled, suddenly feeling as if I had to justify myself. "This... Doing things without thinking about it first, this isn't me."

He gave me a little nod, not seeming to be particularly convinced, but choosing to respect my wish anyway. "Understandable."

Was I happy because he'd respected my decision, or a bit upset because he'd agreed so quickly? I didn't know. I was more confused than anything else in that moment. I hoped he would've somehow helped me to make sense of that whole situation, but it was clear that for some reason he'd decided to let me do the same thing.

I just nodded, deeming it good enough on the outside, while I kept wondering if I'd done the right thing on the inside. I didn't know what to think anymore. I felt as if, for the first time in a long while, what would've made me happy and what was right were on two completely different pages, unable to coexist. I hated that feeling.

Somehow, we ended up watching the TV. I couldn't exactly tell how we'd got to that point, but we had, and all of a sudden I felt as if I was about to go crazy.