Ink Stuff

Chains:Guilt

A chain,
wrapping around me. 
Large and heavy.
strong.
Around my limbs,
immobilizing.
A boring and destructing idle.
Around my neck,
strangling,
choking;
No air.

I can’t focus.
So much.
I can’t concentrate.
Too much.
No light or dark.
Both sound and silence.

Confused.
I’m confused.
Only confusion.
Dizzy.
Disorientation.
Taking over.

I don’t know why.
I don’t know.

It’s overwhelming.
This feeling.
Takes over.
I’m sorry.
I’m drowning.
I can’t take this feeling any more.
It’s eating me up.
I can’t see.
I can’t breathe.
It’s suffocating me.

It’s everywhere.
It’s everything,
that I see,
that I hear.
All I can taste,
and feel.

I can’t get out.

I don’t understand.
Was it me?
Was it you?

My actions,
My words.
Your actions,
Your words.

His actions,
Her actions.
His words,
Her words.

Words and actions.
Thought and speech.
A movement and feeling.
Life.

Experience.
Experience love.
Experience...
Love.
Regret.
Loathing.

Loathing?
Loathing you?

Who said it?
Who did it?
Who cares?

Loathing?
Loathe me?
Self destruction.
A narrow path,
winding.
Never ending.

Life.
Loathing.
Regret.
________
Love.

Love?
?
______
______?

Forgive.
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness.
Forgive him and her.
Forgive you.

I forgive.
I forgive myself?

How?
Do I deserve it?
Yes. 
No.

I’m human.
I need to breathe.
These chains,
Immobilizing and suffocating.
Need to let go.
Set me free.

I’m sorry.
I have feelings.
I am sorry,
for what I did.
I am sorry,
for what I said.

Help.
I need to breathe..
I need to move.
Move on.
Continue, 
with my life.
And experience.

I am...

Breaking these chains.
Breaking free.
Can’t live in the dark.
Finding a new path.
Open and free.
I need to breathe.
Pulling these chains,
Fresh air.
New air.

I know.
Loathing, 
and self destruction.
Fault.
I did wrong.
I said wrong.

Acknowledging that.
I know I did wrong.
I’m sorry.

Free
I want to be free.
Chains, 
growing weak.

Set me free.

I’ll be different.
I’ll be good.
I’ll change.
For the better.

My chains are breaking.
My lessons learnt.

Now I know.
It was never your forgiveness,
that I sought out,
for so long.

It was never your forgiveness,
that I wanted.
Or needed.

It was my own.
Self forgiveness.

I am human.
I am moving.
I am breathing.
I am breaking
these chains

I am forgiving myself.