Curiosity is a dangerous thing

Chapter 10

I look down at the big suitcase as I sit on the chairs outside her room, waiting for her to get ready. Everything my mom owns is in there. Her life is packed in a suitcase. I laugh to myself, thinking both my parents have a special connection to suitcases and packing. Different story, same result.

The doctor informed me that she will be transferred to the Institute with an ambulance. It gives me relief, knowing that she'll be safe from the start.

The door opens and I see my mom is ready to go. She searches for me and when she sees me, her face lights up. But then darkens again. Because she can see the sadness in my eyes.

I try to hide it, but I can't deny that I feel lost. For the first time in my life, I'll be completely alone. Like, for real. I never thought my mom would be addicted to alcohol and pills. The memories of her being happy and carefree are contradicting to herself today. How much can a person destroy you if you let them, I wonder.

"Let's go?" she asks unsure waiting for my reaction. I think she waits for an outburst. A proper one.
"Yeah, of course." I get up and follow her to the parking lot.

We spot the ambulance right away and head there. In front of it, she turns and hugs me with tears in her eyes.

"I want you to take care of yourself. I have to know that you're strong enough for this. We'll talk on the phone every day. Don't worry about me, I'll make sure to be okay so we can be together again." she says crying.
"Mom, you have to be strong, for once. Please. Don't think about anything else. Just do the program and get better. Please." I start crying, too.

After a long hug, she gets in the ambulance. But I leave first, because I can't stand seeing her leaving.

I walk without knowing or caring about the direction. It has already gotten dark. The street lights are all on and they give the streets a romantic appearance.

I catch myself thinking about anything and everything. My mind wanders to so many places. But one question is in the back of it, trying to get the answer it deserves.
"What now?". It plays again and again.
I definitely know the answer,but it feels selfish. Like I'm not supposed to answer that, to want that.

"Now live like you've always dreamed of. You can't control everything that happens. You can't change what's been done. But you can live a life you want. You can treat yourself right."

Is it selfish to want happiness? To live happily? Even if your loved ones don't?
Do you have the right or is it just mean to do that? Are you betraying them?

Sadly, I don't have the answers. But deep down, I feel my needs should be fulfilled.

Unconsciously, I arrive at the park in front of my building. In the distance, I see the cafe I work at. It looks busy and
I wonder if Kate has a shift. It'd be good for me to have a chat with her. She'll lighten the heaviness I feel inside me with her jokes.

I approach the cafe, searching through the faces. No one looks familiar and somehow I feel disappointed. I look inside, through the big windows, but neither Kate nor Marc are working.

I decide to head back to my apartment, even though it feels heavy.
Walking up the stairs, I let the moonlight lead me. I can't stand light right now, it doesn't suit me.

I ring Kate's doorbell, but silence embraces me. She's probably out.
It's funny how life works sometimes. When you have too much of something, it gives you more. In my case, that something is loneliness.

"She's out" a voice comes from upstairs. I freeze, right there, in front of Kate's door.

I look up and see nothing but darkness. How bad would it be if I befriended a ghost?

"Are you there?" the voice continues, but now I recognize the owner.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, feeling nervous. I start going up to my floor, rather slowly I'd say.
"Our last conversation wasn't that impressive, don't you think?" the voice asks.

Through the windows, the moonlight hit his face. It looks devilishly angelic. And I stand there, staring at him dumbfounded. Pathetic, Anna, wake up.

"You're right. I was in a bad mood, sorry." I say, trying to play cool.
His looks at me questioning and I have a feeling he's not buying it.
"Is that right?" he whispers. "Anna, have you been avoiding me?" he asks seconds later.

I'm taken aback by his question. I didn't even have the time to think how my behaviour would come off.

"No, I haven't. I was just busy working and stuff." I try to justify myself.
"Marc said you haven't been to work for a while." he says suspiciously.

I find myself unable to answer him. I can't tell him what really happend. We're not that close. Only Kate knows and I prefer it stays that way.

I sigh, trying to gather my thoughts.
"The truth is, I was going through something personal. It has nothing to do with you, really."

For a moment, I think my answer satisfied him. But then, his gaze darkens.
"Is there someone else?" he asks, and I detect anger in his voice, which dazes me.
"You shouldn't even ask that." I say and make my way to the door.
"Oh, no, no, you're not leaving this time." he grabs my arm and turns me to face him.
"If you were in my shoes, I'm pretty sure you'd want answers, too" he continues.

I look at his hand grabbing my arm and then back at his face. I'm annoyed by his attitude.
"Answers to what exactly? Nothing has happened between us, I can't quite understand the answers you seek." I sound angrier than I should be. But then again, he's being irrational.

He lookes at me for a few seconds. It looks like he's examining my face as his gaze slowly drops from my eyes to my lips. I start feeling nervous again, a feeling that emerges a lot when he's around.

"You know, you can't really hide it" he says smirking.
I feel confused.
"What can't I hide?" I wait for his answer with anticipation.
"The attraction" he pauses. "You see, when I come close to you", he says taking a step forward, "your hands start trembling" he pauses again. He takes his time observing me from a close distance.
"And your face screams what you want" he states while his hand brushes my hair.
I feel numb with the close proximity.
"What exactly do I want, Matty?" I say knowing, oh so well, what I want.

"Why don't you tell me that, love?" he comes closer, hiding his face at the crook of my neck, inhaling my scent.
"I'd prefer you'd enlighten me" I whisper, trying desperately to maintain my cool. Difficult task, though, when his lips touch the sensitive skin on my neck.

"Words or actions?" he asks.
"What?" I say, not really understanding what he means.
"Fuck it." I hear and before I have the chance to comprehend, his lips crash on mine. The warmth of him hugs me immediately, as he comes closer.

Our lips start a war, that neither of us is willing to lose. He's tender, but also forceful. Is that even possible?
One thing I know for sure: It makes my knees go weak.
I grab the collar of his shirt in order to steady myself and he pulls me even closer. I feel dizzy and hot.

But I break the kiss first, because I'm out of breath. We stay close, the tips of our noses touching. I savor the moment and he seems to do, as well. A million things deluge my mind, but I stay silent. The feeling of him still lingers on me.

"Good to know what you really want, love" he speaks first. He takes my hand and kisses the back of it.
"Dream of me" he says and starts going down the stairs.

I stay there, lost in the moment, looking at the dark empty stairs.
I guess, it was his turn to leave first this time.