my late night midnight thoughts

the good the bad and the broken

So I’m sitting here at my school's library thinking about the events that had happened only the day before.  so let me tell you what had happened the day before , sitting in the same spot as i did yesterday and watching Mr. Roger's Nieborhood about growing up and such and yes i do realize that I’m 19 years old soon to be 20, BUT even i can’t forget about my favorite childhood TV show, so i like to watch it from time to time, anyway while watching the show, a wave of emotions decided to attack me when i least expected them to and i started to cry , but not randomly or anything like that i started to think about Mark, and how we were messing around the other day and how empty i started to feel every time we did mess around , and suddenly the water works started. i couldn’t control them at all and no matter what i did i just could not get myself to calm down , it was like that for maybe a good hour and a half before said boy i was crying over texted me. With that in my despair i texted I’m back telling him to rush over to my aid and help me calm down, which he did. then he asked me why i was crying and of course i can’t tell him that it was over him and so i just said i don’t know , the crying was just a random thing that happened for no reason and that I had no idea what brought them on. I feel so weird about it now because well on one hand i usually don’t cry and on the other i had to expose myself to the person who was causing me pain in the first place just so that i could stop crying , now that just made me feels really pathetic.

Its weird feeling empty inside because of the person you like. Although it does make sense, since it’s all one sided feelings on my part, although on Mark's part it’s all Horney feelings that he’s feeling.  There are times when i wish i had never realized my feelings at all it would have been better to have been in the dark about them, those were the days.  It’s funny when you realize you start liking someone, you want to see them all the time, have all their focus on you, giving you all the attention you think you deserve. But when things don’t go the way you want with them, you start feeling sad, alone, even depressed. Your thoughts are completely soley based on him and everything that you had done with him, the good the bad and the  broken. and thats the most annoying part , because when you actually see him again , you think about one of two things , its either " kiss me you fool" or " go hang yourself for infecting me with these feelings " and yea i wont lie on many occations ive had both and yea they both suck because you dont know how to act like yourself any more when you start to like someone. 

in my opinion the person you like , whether guy, girl, a lamp or a llama , it always feels like it takes something away at you , you might not notice it at first or even think that that one piece of you is important but it always is everything is important because once you finally lord and behold get over the person you are head over heels for only you are left , with yourself , either crying that your finally free or just sitting there picking up the pieces of your broken heart trying to put it all back the way it was before someone smashed it into little bits and pieces. either way your left alone to clean up the mess. even if you have the people you love around you , they can only go so far as to help you pull yourself together, they will try to give you glue and tape to stick you together but it will always be up to you to decide what piece goes where as well as how much glue and tape will hold that piece in place before you decide to let someone else break it all over again.