I Die Standing

Entry 4: Faith

"Blessed is the mind too small for doubt."

- Commissar Groden Bevro

It has been three days now and I have much to say about Fort Greythorne. Firstly the "groups" are actually called "platoons", or that's what Sergeant O'Rourke said they were called, but besides that, things here are not as bad as I thought to be, of course, we must train, but at least we get a half-hour eating period and the food is much better the Emperor's Mercy Bars and Rat Stews that I use to eat. I have learned so much during my time here, like disassembling my lasgun, cleaning and shining my armor, and even shooting my lasgun on the firing range. I can still remember the feeling of firing it still, Sergeant O'Rourke taught all of us beforehand how to stand correctly before firing our weapons, When standing, feet are shoulder-width apart, Aggressively lean forward towards the target, firmly grasp the rifle with both hands, and fire. The target was a painted renegade guardsman, looking back now it was not the most treating thing in the galaxy, but when it pops out of nowhere with its autogun pointed at me and it's horribly mutated and disfigured face, threateningly looking at me, I had no hesitation. Holding the weapon in my hands and seeing the smoldering hole that used to be the face of that heretic, was powerful. I truly felt that I could fight and defeat the enemies of the Imperium and firing that shot was like the Emperor whispering to me "You are one of my warriors and you will defeat my enemies.", Now I feel so glad that I spoke to the priest that day.

I remember being so nervous and scared when entering the chapel. It felt as if I was not supposed to be there. I remember seeing many other men praying to God-Emperor and hearing the whispers of there chant, "My Emperor, I pray to you for my protection.", "My Emperor, I give you my body and soul to you for that is all that I have.", I didn't have the gall to pray alongside them. I entered one of Confessionals booths, which I'm surprised that existed, I've heard of them, but never saw one because having doubt is the path of damnation, but I entered anyway. "Forgive me my Emperor, for I have sinned." that is what I said and immediately after, the sound of an old and calm man come from the other side, "Why do you have doubt child?" and so I told him my fear, my doubt, and all of the heretical thoughts I had before. What he said to me was something I cannot forget even in death.

"Child of the Emperor, hear me, you are not the first man to tell me these things. For many years as a servant and voice of Emperor's truth, I have heard and seen many things, I have seen legions of men wiped out within seconds and have walked through battlefields seeing the faces of the young and the old, the father and the son, trying to send their souls into the Emperors grasp and other horrors I do not wise to describe. I even had doubt infest my soul when I was much younger, but that is beside the point, the Emperor test us, from the lowest of civilians to his Angels of Death, he tests us all child, from our will, our spirit, and our faith in him. You, as a soldier of the Imperial Guard, is tested in every campaign of war were you and your regiment partake. You are part of the Hammer of the Emperor, with your numbers, you crash the foes of the Imperium with overwhelming force, so do not fear what fills your head, overcome it, or you will die trying to do so. Ava Importer and may the God-Emperor protect you."

I can not describe the feeling hearing those words, it was both the greatest relief and the greatest giver of strength, I feel my faith restored in the Emperor and know his plans for me, I will serve him and offer my strength to him.