What Remains

Chapter 1

People think I'm crazy. They always have and I honestly doubt it'll ever change. I've always known who I am and that has always been enough for me. I never tried to fit in, never needed other people's approval. To me, being me was always enough but I guess most people don't understand that and always have to have an opinion on everything, even if it's none of their business.

I've never cared about what people say but now that I'm here, opening up to you in a letter you'll never read, let alone reply to, I can't help but wonder if they've been right all along.

I don't know why I'm writing this. All I know is that I need to talk to you but you're not here and this is what I came up with. You've always been here for me, even when I didn't know I needed it and pushed you away. You are (were?) my best friend, my confidant, the only person that never judged me or looked at me like I was crazy, not even when I thought I was losing my mind. You always knew what to do and say to make me feel better and I guess I took that for granted. I'm sorry. I would give anything to have you here with me right now.

I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending I'm ok when the truth is, I'm falling apart. I'm tired of putting a smile on my face every morning and tell the kids that everything is going to be ok when I start doubting that myself. I'm tired of being the strong person around here... we used to be strong together, I'm not sure I can do it alone.

I thought that the days were going to be the hardest part. I was wrong. It's at night, when I'm lying in bed, alone in the dark, that I start thinking about everything that happened. Every time I close my eyes, I see you, in that room, the tears in your eyes as you nodded, giving me the sign that we both knew would change our lives forever. And when my body can't physically stay awake any longer and my brain shuts down, it only takes a couple hours for me to wake up, covered in sweat and with tears running down my cheeks.

Even though the nights are the hardest, that doesn't mean the days are much better. I didn't want to draw attention to myself or the kids so I only took a day off, saying that Will was sick and I had to stay at home with him. Going back to work was the last thing I wanted but I've come to realize that it isn't such a bad thing. Sometimes the store is so busy that I can't hear myself think over all the noise and because I'm always needed somewhere, I don't have time to do anything other than helping the people who need me. I hate leaving the kids alone during the day though. I can't stand the idea of them being alone in the house all day, thinking about everything that happened, over and over again, especially because I know better than anyone that that doesn't do any good, but the bills won't pay themselves, especially now that we're 4, so after chugging two mugs of the strongest coffee I could find at the store and making sure the kids will be ok during the day, I make myself get in the car and drive to the store, already counting the hours until my shift is over and I can come back home to the kids.

Because of what happened at the mall, the store is busier than ever and people are beginning to talk about what happened. Little by little, the truth is coming out and they are starting to realize that Hawkins is not the boring, sleepy town it once was. No one knows exactly what happened so the in old Hawkins-fashioned way, everyone and their mother is talking about it, trying to find out exactly what happened. Thankfully, we have yet to be associated with what it, but I know it's only a matter of time before the odd, unpleasant looks and the whispering starts and I don't know if we can handle that.

Jonathan has been staying with Will and El while I'm at work, making sure they eat and helping El clean up her wounds, which I'm incredibly thankful for. Knowing they aren't alone, even though I'd much rather be the one there with them, makes leaving the house every morning a little bit easier. Sometimes I feel like I rely too much on him. Ever since Lonnie left, he's felt the need to be the man of the house, and I have no idea how I would have done this without his help but I feel like, because I wasn't able to handle everything alone, he had to grow up too fast and I hate myself for that.

From what Jonathan has told me, Will is slowly going back to his old self. He's talking more, his appetite is coming back and he has gone out to visit his friends once or twice. El is a different story. As expected, it's been particularly hard for her to deal with this. She's barely said a word since we came home that night, she doesn't want to eat and she refuses to leave the house. The sadness in her eyes is the same that I see every day when I look in the mirror and it breaks my heart that someone so young knows this kind of pain. It's not fair...

Just last night, she came to my room and lay down beside me and we stayed in each other's arms, somehow trying to find comfort in knowing that we are not alone in this. None of us said a word and all I could think about was how, at the mere age of 14, El has been through more than most people should in a lifetime. After years of being held hostage and used as a machine instead of being treated as a human being, when she finally got some stability and someone who loved her, it was taken from her without warning, in a brutal way. You were the only family she's ever known. You took her in, took care of her, loved her as if she were your own and now that you're not here, it's my turn to do it. I promise you that I'll love her as if she were my own and that I'll do everything in my power to take some of her pain away.

        Joyce