What Remains

Chapter 15

When Owens and his men picked me up, a couple of days ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. All I knew was that there was a chance you were out there and I'd be damned if I didn't do everything in my power to save you. So I got in that black car, listened very closely to everything they said, and once the time came to get on the plane, I swallowed my fear and did it. God only knows how hard that was... I hate those gigantic metal birds but it was the only way to get to you so I had to do it.

I think I only realized how dangerous it was going to be when Owens and their men told me their plan. You could see they'd spent a while working on it, trying to find the safest way to rescue you and even though they assured me that they'd considered many different ways of doing it but that it didn't get any better than what we had, as I looked at the blueprints of the prison and all the equipment they'd brought, I could feel the anxiety growing in my chest. When Owens realized that I wanted to go, he wasn't pleased, and we spent a while arguing until he gave up, after realizing that I was more stubborn than him and that I could go on for hours on end until I got what I wanted. At that point, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew there was a good chance that things would go wrong, that there was a good chance I wouldn't come back home but I had to try...

For months, I blamed myself for what happened to you in that room. Even though most people (yourself included) would argue that I only did what I had to do to save everyone else, I spent countless nights reliving that moment and every time I did, I hated myself a bit more for having turned those keys. So I had to, at least, try to save you. I owed you that much... and I owed that to myself too.

When the time came, I think I was the most nervous I've ever been in my life. Murray tried, in vain, to dissuade me from going in, Owens begged me not to go and I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider it for a few seconds but I put my fears aside, gave myself a quick pep talk, made Owens promise to help the kids if something happened to me and prayed for everything to go well and for all of us to be on our way back home soon.

Looking back, I know that wasn't a smart move. We rescued you, we're home with the kids, and aside from a few superficial wounds we are both fine. But I did fear for my life a few times while I was in there and in those moments, all I could think of were the kids and what would happen to them if I didn't make it out alive. I know it was selfish of me to risk my life, and therefore their futures, like that, when I could have stayed outside and waited... but in that moment, it felt like the right thing to do and I just... I had to do it. I had to make things right. So I took a deep breath and went in.

What that happened afterward is a bit of a blur, if I'm being honest. Everything happened so fast and was so intense that I can barely remember most of it. What I do remember, however, is the moment my eyes finally landed on you. We'd been looking for you for a while but you were nowhere to be found I was starting to lose hope when I finally saw you.

I could go on and on for pages, describing everything I felt when those ocean blue eyes that I never thought I'd seen again met mine... saying that I felt overwhelmed would be an understatement. I wanted to run to you, to throw my arms around your neck and smash my lips against yours and apologize for everything. I wanted to tell you how worried I had been, how much I loved you and how sorry I was not only for not having realized that sooner but also for everything that happened that night... I wanted to hold you and never let go. There were so many things I wanted to do and say yet I couldn't do anything... not with that audience, not not in that god-awful place, and certainly not in that moment, when our lives were still in danger.

Surreal doesn't begin to describe everything that happened in the last 24 hours. From managing to break into a Russian prison to seeing you for the first time in months, considerably thinner yet relatively healthy and  still looking like your old self (even though your beloved mustache is gone), everything that happened today seems taken directly from a book or a movie. So much so that I wouldn't have believed it happened if I hadn't been there to witness it.