Kabanata 1
Ruin
Shameful. That was the one word I could ever describe that heated night with a stranger. It was hot, alright. Pero kung paano siya nagmura nang nalaman na wala pa akong karanasan, nakakahiya. He was too hard to stop pumping, though. But after that, he seemed disappointed with me. He didn't want a virgin, and he feels like it's problematic.
"I'll go," sambit ko kahit na mahapdi pa at medyo hilo pa.
Shocked. Bumaling siya sa akin.
"Don't you wanna cuddle? This is your first time."
I realized it's that. He didn't wanna cuddle. He didn't want any connection with his one night stands. Kaya mas lalo lang akong nagmadali sa pag-aayos ng damit.
"No. I don't want that."
He chuckled. Nakahilata lang sa kama ng hotel habang natataranta na akong mag-ayos.
"Really? Won't you want to make it... a bit sentimental since it's your first time?" he said that playfully and with a hint of insult.
Nahihiya sa pagpapahiwatig niya ng kahinaan ko, sinubukan kong maging kaswal. Pagkatapos isuot ang mga damit, kahit pa gusot at hindi tuluyang naayos, nilingon ko siya.
"I may be a virgin, but I'm not desperate or pathetic. I went here with you thinking of good sex-"
"And I provided you that, yes?" mayabang niyang sinabi.
Well, he's right. I give him that. But his arrogance won't go unnoticed. Does he think he's superior just because he provided me good sex? At dahil diyan, puwede niya na akong insultuhin at pagkatuwaan dahil lang first time ko?
"It's really just sex I'm after so the next time, I can explore more with other men."
Napawi ang ngiti sa labi niya.
"It was just my debut in this sexual world."
"Well, good luck with that," he said darkly, medyo halata ang iritasyon.
Ako naman ngayon ang matamis na ngumiti. "Thanks and have a good night. I'm leaving."
Nasa akin man ang huling salita, nakakahiya pa rin na ka-awa awa ang tingin niya sa akin. Iyon ay dahil lang wala akong karanasan at pinili kong sa isang estranghero ang una ko. Maybe he was right, I was desperate. But at least not for sex and affection. I was desperate to take a hold of my freedom, something that would be taken away from me very soon.
Naiiyak akong tumatawag kay Zane. My last attempt to rebel is to call him and see if what we can really do about all of these. Hindi ko ito naisip kanina siguro dahil magulo ang isipan ko. Ngayong nahimasmasan na, naisip ko ang mangyayari sa oras na sundin ko nga si Papa.
"Hello..." malambing na boses ang sumalubong sa akin. "Zane is asleep. Who's this?"
My lips trembled. Hindi ako makabanggit ng mga salita dahil sa narinig. Boses iyon ng isang babae! Why would a woman answer my call on Zane's phone? Napatingin ulit ako kung tama ba ang tinatawagan ko at mas lalo lang nasaktan nang nakitang kay Zane nga iyon.
Ang akala ko ba grounded siya? Is he playing around?
Who am I to get mad at him for playing around when I myself did something worse tonight? I claim to like him and I am considering him as my boyfriend and yet, I got physical with another man... a stranger! I chose a stranger over him! Sino sa amin ngayon ang mas makasalanan? Ako at wala akong karapatang husgahan siya sa ginagawa niya ngayon.
"O-Okay. S-Sorry..." sa nanginginig na labi bago ko tuluyang pinutol ang tawag.
Hindi iyon ang unang pagkakataon na nasagot ng babae ang cellphone ni Zane. Madalas mangyari iyon. He's a playboy and that's one of the reasons why I can't really get into a serious relationship with him even when I like him.
