Perfect | Harry Styles

Chapter Nineteen

Harry's POV

"I don't deserve your forgiveness," I planted kisses all over her hair. "But I will never stop telling you that I'm sorry."

I cradled a trembling Elodie with one hand on her neck and the other locked tightly around her waist. I held on to her like it was the last time our bodies would be together like this. It was ironic to feel like this moment was ending something between us while being surrounded by all these literal memories of our past. The ticket stubs from our first concert  sat in a clear glass frame on her desk. Half of my broken skateboard from high school was mounted on her wall like a trophy. Even the sweatshirt she was wearing is the same one I left here two weeks ago. We were so woven into each other's lives that would be impossible for either one of us to really let go.

"You really don't," she finally spoke. "Here I am always giving it to you though. You just keep taking and taking from me."

"You've been the one constant in my fuck up of a life. You're like home to me," I took a deep breath before continuing. "I can't lose you. Not now. Not like this."

"You have a funny way of showing it then," Elodie backed away from me and swiped away at tears with her sleeve. "I just feel like there's something wrong with me."

"No. Fuck no," I emphasized, closing the gap between us again. I didn't want to be far from her. "You're perfect."

I looked down at Elodie and studied her features. It felt like I was looking at her for the very first time. Her mass of black curls that normally cascaded down her shoulders was up in a loose messy bun. Even when she was crying, she was fucking beautiful. The random flashes of lightning created a glare from the windows that reflected off of her skin. For a few moments at a time, she'd look like she was actually dipped in honey.  Maybe it was all the whiskey giving me this feeling, or maybe it was all real, but I wanted nothing more in that exact moment than to breathe her in. I wanted to take care of her in every single way that she needed. Why did I have to make this so complicated? If I had any semblance of normalism, we could ride off into the sunset. But I don't, so here we are, fighting in the middle of a storm. It seemed fitting.

"If I'm so perfect, why could you give yourself to Christa and not me?" she sniffled before bursting into tears again.

"That's not it at all," I wiped away a few of her tears with my thumb, but they just kept being replaced by more. My heart rattled in my chest knowing that I'm the reason I caused her this much pain. I could never keep putting her through this. "That was only physical. You don't take girls like you behind seedy pubs to have a good time."

"Then what is it? Why don't you want to give us the opportunity to figure this out?"

"You're too good to be ruined, El. I could never live with myself knowing that I fucked your life up like that."

"Like what? How could you possibly ruin me?" Her tears were starting to slow down. "You're my best friend."

All the words I drank up to have the courage to say just sat in my mouth, dancing on the tip of my tongue. My body started to feel heavy as the weight of sobering up was pulling me under.

"I don't want to ever leave you again," I hurried to admit before the haze wore off any more.

"Then don't," she crossed her arms and gave me a look before bursting into tears again.

"I'm not a knight in shining armor," I bent down to be eye level with her and took her face in between my hands. The more she cried, the more it pulled at the pain.  "I'm a piece of shit, El. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll give up on wanting me for anything more than a friend. I'm half shit at that now too."

"That's not the truth," she wiped away the tears from my face that I didn't even realize were coming down. "That's not what you are, Haz."

The sudden tenderness in her voice disarmed me. She led me to the bed and outstretched her arms. I took the invitation and my body collided into hers as I let myself go. This space she gives me to be the ugliest side of me is invaluable. If I break this beautiful woman, I will be unleashing a house of wolves to descend upon her. My demons would tear her limb from limb.

"I am, Elodie," I pleaded. "I'm a fucked up shell of man with no heart to give. That is not something you deserve."

"You can't determine what I deserve or not. I just want you."

"I can if I'm the one you want. I'm not putting you through this shit. Look what I'm already doing to you after one kiss. As soon as I know you feel something for me that I can't give back to you, I retreat."

"Stop being so scared of what you feel."

"Do you know what its like to watch every relationship you see fall apart in front of you for your whole life? When my dad left my mum, she always said he ruined her. And she was right. My mum was bright and full of life when he was around. As soon as he disappeared, she was always in a pill induced haze. A light went out in her that she's been searching for in every man that came into her life after that," I fell back and laid flat on the bed. "And every one that came into her life just took pieces and pieces of her while promising to be different.  She left me there alone for so many nights to go chase after the men who constantly walked out of that door with nothing to give her. Look at me, I'm just like my father and the rest of them. I hated them so much that I turned into them. Leaving is all I know how to do now."

"You're nothing like them," Elodie whispered before laying back on the bed and turning onto her side.

"You don't get it," I turned on my side to face her. "I don't want to take anything else from you. What happened with Christa was so selfish and I wasn't using my right head to think with."

The room was quiet except for our syncopated breathing. We both seemed to come down from our emotional peak at the same time.

"I know," she half smiled at me, her eyes still glossy.

"I just want to be here for you in the least complicated way. And if that means only being your friend then that's what it has to be, no matter what feelings that kiss dredged up."

"I know," her voice got even quieter and her hands found their way to mine.

We laid there and interlaced our fingers together. We never said a word and our eyes never left each other. The energy between us had cleared and when the dust settled, it feel like things were right for the first time in a long time.

"Harry?" She reached up and knotted her fingers through my hair. "What if I wanted you to ruin me?"

Fuck.