I'll Sing You One Last Song and then I'm Gone (Tokio Hotel Fan-Fic)

Chapter 30

This story is written by @xAnDeinerSeitex She wrote this story on a website called TokioHotelFiction.com. I was able to locate her and found out she had a wattpad account. She has given me permission to post it on here. @xAnDienerSeitex aslo has a new updated version of the story, as seeing this one is a few years old. If you like to read that one click the external link on the side. And I would like to say I have no rights to this story and I am NOT the writer. I would also like to thank @xAnDeinerSeitex for writing this great story and letting me post it on my account.

The next couple of weeks flew by me in a blur similar to the haziness I felt before I fell asleep, and, by the time I woke up what felt like for good, I was sitting in a white-washed room, looking out the window at the courtyard a couple stories below, enjoying the warm caress of the summer sun through the thick panes of glass. All the people I was watching looked so happy and free, laughing with those they strolled with, looking amorously at the flowers lining the walkways, and their happiness made me smile. Well rested and blissfully unaware of what day it was, I was ready to take on whatever the world had to offer me.

I spun away from my view of the courtyard, and the real world came crashing down around me in an instant, brushing away the serenity of the scene outside. The small room made up of concrete walls surrounded me, and, while they were bathed in sunlight, they were still somewhat miserable. All the walls contained was a bed, a chair, and a dresser, without much decoration other than a beautiful bouquet of lotus flowers, ranging from white to pink to almost purple, all of which were arranged in a plastic bowl instead of the glass vase they so belonged in.

But I wasn't alone. Someone else was in with me, their back turned to me as they took the belongings out of my dresser and piled them into a small, red duffel bag. It didn't take me very long to realize who it was that accompanied me, though, and her presence took me back a bit. “Ellie, what are we doing in here?”

At the sound of my voice, she immediately spun around, the grin on her face astounding. “I thought you were sleeping!” she yelped, consumed with glee as she shot off the ground, immediately constricting her arms around me in a manner that almost cut off my airway. “They finally let me in to see you on the day you're getting out. How lame is that?”

I could only shake my head. “To be really honest, I don't quite know what you're talking about,” I confessed, bringing my own arms up to reciprocate the gesture, not so much caring why she was here, just enjoying the fact that she was with me, and obviously quite glad to be. I just wanted our fight to be over. I need my friend. “All I know is, I've been here for a while, and every day has passed me by in a blur of people asking how I feel and if I'm okay.”

She pulled away a little bit, enough to see my face, but she kept her arms tight around me. “Is that really all you remember of the last three and a half weeks?”

“Three and a half weeks?” I repeated incredulously, like she was lying to me. That was such a long time to know that I haven't really been asleep, but not awake enough to really remember. “Why have I been in here for so long? What about graduation?”

“Your diploma is at your house. The principal sends his regards that you couldn't be there to walk the stage, but 'wishes you all the best in your future endeavors'.” Amused by the wording I could hear our principal saying in his own nasally voice, I couldn't help but to snicker with her about it. Her face, though, smoothed into seriousness before mine did, and she just looked me in the eyes for a solid moment. “Do you really not remember what happened?” When I shook my head, she unhinged her arms from around me and motioned over to the bed against the far wall, indicating to me to have a seat. I did, cross-legged, facing her as she plopped down, mimicking my position. “Then I've got a hell of a lot to tell you.”

“Please, by all means, fill me in on everything,” I asked, eager to find out what happened during my lapse in memory. “It really blows not knowing what happened with almost a month of your life.”

With a gentle smile, she began her lengthy account of what had happened to me.

“Ashley, there's really no gentle way to break it to you, so I'll just come out and say it. You're at Rhodes Memorial Hospital, in the psychiatric unit, where you've been since a couple of days after you arrived in the emergency room. Your father brought you here to try to stop you from dying, after you overdosed on sleeping pills. From what I hear, you took a whole bottle of them, and, while Roger was in with you trying to make amends, you blacked out on him. Your mom wasn't sure how to handle things, suggesting you just sleep it off, but he didn't want to just let you slip away, so he tossed you in the car and brought you here, forgetting what your mom said. Immediately, they pumped your stomach to get the pills and stuff out of your system before it had a chance to set in, and they gave you that charcoal stuff to make you puke the rest of it out. Roger skipped work for the entire duration you were in the illness part of the hospital. I came up to see you while you were there a couple of times, and even when you were sleeping, he was there with his chair right next to your bed. Your mom was there a few times, and she explained what happened with him to me in full detail, with the goriest of details.

“Once the doctors were sure all the stuff was out of your body, they transferred you to the psychiatric unit, to try to work on fixing the things that drove you to overdose. Today is the last day you've got to be here, since their program is three weeks in length. Every single day, you were receiving intensive therapy, both by doctors and peers, and they worked hard to try to adjust medications and talk the issues out of you. I don't know what, exactly, they did to you in detail, I just know that the doctor who followed your case the closest says that you should be okay to come home now, as long as you stay on the medications he's giving you. He says it was a close call, and that we have to take good care of you to prevent this from happening a second time. It wasn't until a week ago today that Roger and your mom were allowed in to see you. Your mom couldn't stand the sight of you in here, because I guess she was refusing to accept what was happening or something like that, but your dad was here from the time visiting hours began to the time security personally asked him to leave so everyone could go to sleep. Now that you're ready to leave, more people are allowed to come see you and take you out of here. I'm here to help you pack, and Joey ran out to the discharge desk with your father to make sure everything is all set to bring you home. They'll be back in a few minutes with the doctor who's going to walk you out of here. When you leave with us today, they're going to give you prescriptions, and you absolutely need to keep current on them, because nobody wants this to happen again.”

I sat there with her for a long minute, trying to digest every word she had said to me, not entirely certain of which part surprised me the most.

Before I passed out from the drugs, I remembered thinking that dying wouldn't be all that bad after all, meaning I had officially broken every promise I ever made to anyone about never committing suicide, because accepting death, should it have come to me, would have legitimized everyone saying I was trying to kill myself. I always said I never would, but did I really want to? Sitting there, I felt so much happier being awake and alive than I had in years, which made me glad I didn't actually go to far in my plan to sleep and cut my life off prematurely. I had a lot of apologies to make, and I was just really glad I was going to be able to make them. Nothing makes you appreciate your life more than being on the brink of losing it.

On the other hand, there was Roger, who is really the sole reason I'm still here to be able to process all this craziness and make those apologies I began to list off in my mind. When Mum wanted to let me wait it out and see what happened, the man who I had hated for years ignored her requests and brought me here, efficiently saving my life. So many times, I had wished he would stop existing, discredited that he was really my father, and gone on about how much I hated him, and, in one night of being back with me, though I made it clear I wasn't going to make him getting back into my life an easy task, he didn't think twice when it came to saving me. Such a heroic action was something I would expect the old him to do, the person he was before he became consumed by alcoholism. When I was little, I always knew that Daddy would save me from whatever it was I needed saving from. I just never thought it was going to be from myself, and, given who he became, I didn't think he really would put himself out there to do it.

And, what was she talking about, with Joey being here? Not long before I ingested those pills, I broke up with him, terminating the only relationship of any type that I had in years that never went south on me for any reason. Of course, there were his stupid friends, but Joey himself never did anything wrong to me. In fact, he was the kind of guy I dreamed of being with when I was a little girl, painting pictures of Prince Charming in my mind. He seemed so genuinely broken when I walked out on him at the hotel that morning a couple of weeks ago, yet he's one of the first people here to make sure I'm okay. I hurt him, but he's there to help me out when I'm hurting myself, regardless of what I did to him.

There was one thing I worried about, though, that I wasn't sure if I should vocalize or not, for the fear they would keep me locked up in there longer. Did my medication and therapy mean that Bill wasn't going to be coming back? I held tight to my faith that our connection was real, but what if something about my stay at Rhodes Memorial took away my ability to dream with him? There were several things about the life I had before that I was more than eager to live without, but he was definitely not one of them. Even though the doctors said I'm cured now, I still need the one thing that carried me through all the turmoil and saw me through. Giving him up just because I'm better now would be wrong.

A more immediate question lingered in my mind. The hospital stay, I could understand. Roger and Joey, I would deal with on the way home. Bill, I could address when go to sleep tonight. I still had questions, and only Ellie had the answers. “Okay. But, Elle, why are you here?” I asked her, looking up from the bedding between us with a sheepish expression. “I was such a horrid friend to you for months. If you told me now that you'll hate me forever, I would understand entirely. We had our issues, but you were still my best friend, and I still treated you like you were nothing.”

A soft smile broke out on her face. “While it's true that you really were a bitch, I take part of the blame for that. I thought it was weird that you didn't have much of an interest in boys past the dreams with Bill,” she giggled, “so I hooked you up with Joey by power of my own free will. I just wanted you to get a taste of what it was like to date someone, but I never at all anticipated that you two would get together and become what you were. I think we're both equally to blame for our fight. Yeah, you blew me off for those popular buffoons, but not only am I the root reason why they pretended to like you in the first place, but I never said anything about my problem with you before it blew up.”

“No,” I told her, shaking my head. “Don't try to take any blame at all for this. It's not like you forced me into ditching you and being such a crappy friend. So tell me you hate me and walk out of here, because I really do want you to be mad. You can't just forgive me for this.”

“Yes, I can,” she grinned, comforting conviction in her voice. “We both had our problems, and they're in the past now. I planned on being angry with you for quite some time, but when I heard what happened, the thought of living without you forever cut that plan short. You're my best friend, Ashley. It was one little fight, and it's not going to destroy us forever. You were wrong, I was wrong, we were both wrong, so let's move past it and pretend it never happened.”

Overcome by the emotion of having the girl who meant the most to me back in her rightful spot in my life, I lurched forward and collected her into the same type of hug she gave me when she realized I was up and awake. “I love you so much, Ellie,” I told her, blinking back the tears of joy that came with such a pure kind of emotion.

“I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you, too, Ash,” she replied. “I'm glad you're okay after all. You're the best friend I ever had. I don't think I really could have gone through the rest of my life without you.”

From the doorway into the room came a familiar voice. “I don't think any of us really could have done that.” I peeled myself off the girl I was finally allowed to call my friend again to turn, locking eyes immediately with Joey. Nothing about him had changed, in appearance or expression. He looked just as happy as he always was when I was around.

He came more into the room and took a seat on the chair that faced the bed, folding his hands together and just breathing me in for a moment. “You're another one I wonder about,” I smiled at him, shifting so I could face both of them properly. “Do you hate me for not liking your friends and being wonky and breaking up with you? Because I hate me for pretending everything was okay for so long and not trying to talk it out with you.”

Shrugging his shoulders, he crossed his legs casually, one over the other. “I can't hate you at all. I hate them all as much as you do, only you had the courage to stand up and say something about it.”

“I'm so proud of him, Ash,” Ellie squealed to me, putting her hands on my folded arms. “I wasn't there, but I heard about it from Yosuke. Slowly but surely, he told everyone but his real friends off, about what terrible people they are in so many different ways.”

I turned to Joey for him to confirm this, and, with a modest smile, never really being one to boast, he nodded. “I never liked them much, anyway, like I told you on several occasions. I just never had the balls to tell them to go away. I started senior year with everyone in Corsica loving me like some sort of god, and I graduated only needing one hand to count the friends I have left in that district. Same goes with all the other suburbs.” He snickered lightly to himself. “I hated everyone, and now I don't have to lie about it. So, thanks for showing me what crappy people I knew, and that it's entirely possible to live without every single person at your beck and call all the time.”

“It's not a problem,” I replied, joining Ellie in snickering at him. It made me relatively happy to see that she didn't totally hate him, like she kind of began to right before her and I got into our fight. It wasn't anything he was doing, it was just the fact that he was sucking up all my time. But, now, she didn't seem to have much of a problem with him, now that he had been humbled a bit by the destruction of his social standing. “And you're sure you don't hate me?” I asked, just to make sure. “You seemed really upset with me when I left.”

“I'm not angry at you for feeling whatever it is that you feel. You can't manipulate feelings, and I understand that. If you don't feel the same way about me anymore, then I'm glad you've got enough respect for me to not pretend nothing changed.” He scooted the chair closer to the bed, to increase his proximity to me. A gentle grin graced his lips as he told me with a sincere expression. “I do love you, Ashley, and it's that feeling that makes me happy to see you're alright. When you care for someone, you want them to be happy, whether that's with you or not.”

There really wasn't a point in trying to fight off the happiness I felt inside to hear him say that, thus I scooted to the end of my bed. “Can we just have a group hug, please?” I asked, looking between my two friends, the best I ever had, the ones who cared about me even though I lost my mind and almost killed myself. “I'm just so happy you guys are here and you don't hate me, and, I just, I love you both so much.”

Without hesitation, they both surrounded me. Joey moved over to the bed with us, and they ambushed me from either side, happy to squeeze the life out of me, their anger and hurt erased by the fact that we were all thankful I still had life to squeeze out.

“Let's finish gathering your stuff,” Joey decided once we pulled away, after each of them kissed me on the cheek at the same time and giggled about how cliché it looked from an outside point of view. “The sooner we get this, the sooner Roger can bring you home. You've got a big night ahead of you, but we're not allowed to tell you why.”

Since I would obviously not get anywhere questioning them about it when they were clearly not willing to give up information about the last little statement, I turned my attention elsewhere. “Are the flowers on the dresser from Roger? And why are they in a plastic cup?”

“Well, the hospital put them in a cup so you didn't break the class and use it to try to kill yourself again,” Joey said, crouching beside Ellie to pack my clothes. “They don't play games with your safety here. They frisked me on the way in, and they made me leave my wallet at the desk, so I didn't give you my credit cards so you could hurt yourself.”

“But,” Ellie continued, “to answer your other question, the flowers are from Mr. Protoccelli.” She gave me a moment to take that in, and I pulled my head back, a bit surprised. I didn't know how he knew where I was, or how much he knew of what I had done to myself, but I would have to thank him for the bouquet when I went to talk to him as soon as I could track him down outside of school, now that the year was over. “Rumor has it that, when he found out that bullying was one of the things that made you do what you did to land yourself in here, he went absolutely berserk on your art class. I heard Ben Oaks and Alyssa Ceded skipped class for the rest of the year, Mr. P lashed out so bad.”

I laughed out loud at the image of Ben cowering under the white-hot intensity of Protoccelli's rage, knowing very well that, if the rumor was true, he targeted the popular troupe specifically, knowing that I, at one point, had ties with them, despite how cruel they had always publicly been to me. “Man, fuck Ben Oaks,” I snorted. “I hope Protoccelli ripped him and his stupid friends new asses.”

“Watch the language, ma'am,” Roger's voice broke in from the hallway, where he stood smiling down at the three of us. “You might not be perfectly okay with me just yet, but I'm still your father, and I'm not a fan of the sailor's mouth.” Aware that I didn't exactly know what had been going on in the past few weeks, both Ellie and Joey looked to me, to make sure that I was okay, their opinions still obviously a bit marred by the past. But, remembering Ellie telling me, in her account of my life in the preceding few weeks, that Roger had been faithfully by my side while Mum skirted around the fact that her daughter was in a mental lock-up really did mean a lot to me. Yeah, he did mess up my teenaged years, and pretending it never happened would be hard, but I could at least appreciate what he was doing for me in the present without regard to what he did to me in the past. Thinking of it all, I smiled at him, and, immediately, he smiled back. “Ready to go home, Kiddo?”

We quickly tossed the rest of my belongings into the duffel bag, and the four of us walked out in front of a man in a white lab coat, who I rightfully assumed was the doctor escorting us from the building. Roger carried Mr. P's flowers for me, and I handled my bag.

“Do you guys need a lift home?” Roger asked as we set my things in his car. I was personally used to driving in it with Mum, when she got angry and stole it from him, but I guess being there with him could be a pleasant change, if he played his cards right.

“Nah,” Ellie replied, hitching her thumb over her shoulder to motion to the silver Escalade I was quite familiar with. “I'll just have Joey dump me at my house, to give you guys some time together.” Once more, as I opened my car door, she clung to me, nuzzling as close in as she could be. “Call me tonight or tomorrow. I understand you're tired and shaken up from all of this, but I want to do something. If I haven't heard from you by noon tomorrow, I'm coming over and dragging your lazy butt out of bed and to the mall with me, where I will buy you the biggest ice cream sundae that place in the food court has.”

Something about her unchanged just-her type of humor was encouraging, and I smirked to myself out of the sheer joy of having her back in my life. Things just weren't right without her around, and I was really glad she had decided to come back. I agreed to her terms, gave Joey a hug goodbye as well, and climbed into the passenger's seat of Roger's car, grateful to be taking off out of the parking lot.

The drive back to our house was going to be about fifteen, twenty minutes, meaning I would have that time to talk with him without outside influence, to ask about his role in my life in the past few weeks. “So, Ellie tells me I have you and you alone to thank for my still being here.”

Not taking his eyes off the road, Roger shrugged a bit. “You mother thought we should just let you sleep, but I've obviously been at a dangerous level of substance intake before, so I knew you weren't just tired. Good thing, too, because the doctor told us that we wouldn't have a daughter anymore if we had waited another fifteen minutes to bring you in.” An awkward smile made its way to his surface. “So I guess, in some way, my being a horrid drunk was a good thing in the end?”

“If it means I'm still here, then I suppose so.” Part of me knew that he was aware I had no recollection of my time at Rhodes Memorial, meaning he was approaching me cautiously, unsure of exactly what Ellie had told me. But, somehow, the man whose very existence I despised for so long was the same one who protected me the way he always promised to when I was little. Reminiscent of it, I smiled at him, though his eyes remained on the road. “Thanks, Dad.”

The D-word was enough to coax his full attention to me, which was dangerous, in reality, but I didn't care much, as it was only for a second. “Dad?” he asked, just as taken back as I thought he would be. “I get 'Dad' and not 'Roger' or 'Asshole' or anything like that?”

“Even though we're not quite back to normal, I can't say I hate you anymore,” I told him, looking out the window at the lush, green scenery whizzing by outside. “Yeah, the things you did hurt, but nothing changes the fact that you saved my life.” I smiled over at him. “That definitely earns you some brownie-points, which I'll cash in on trying to use 'Dad' from now on, as long as you stay like this and don't revert back to old habits. I hear they die hard.”

“I've got my thirty-days chip in my pocket,” he announced, clearly rather proud of himself. “And I'll have the sixty-days one in a few weeks. It's a process, but it's eye-opening and encouraging, knowing that my actions were directly linked to you almost... you know.” Obviously, the weight of admitting aloud what I had done to myself was still too much for him, and the fact that he cared enough about me to have a hard time saying the words meant a lot. “You're really not as upset with me as I fully expected you to be.”

“Well, you were there for me. Even Mum - who I thought was on my side all these years, but, apparently not – couldn't bring herself to come up to see me often, but I hear you spent a lot of time with me, keeping me company and checking on me,” I replied. “It's really awesome that you dedicated so much time to making sure I was doing alright. I can't change how I used to feel, but the future's undecided. Yeah, the old you sucks, but you seem so much better now, and, really, it delights me in ways I can't explain to know that the man I used to love so much has always been somewhere in there. Now that that side of you is reemerging, all the time I spend angry about the past is time I waste enjoying the present.”

Roger chuckled to himself, changing his grip on the steering wheel as we left the expressway, only a few minutes from home. “You're much more forgiving than I am. I would never speak to me again, if I were you. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're taking all of this as well as you are, it's just really surprising to me that you're willing to move past it all.”

I responded for the sake of conversation, but the weight of the words hit me as they flowed from within me. “Well, you were under a lot of pressure, with extra work and Mum being sick, and you didn't handle it in the right way, and it changed who you are. I was in the exact same position this time last month, and I know how easy it is to overlook what you know is right because something is satisfying immediately. You hurt the people you love the most and you become something you never wanted to be. I've been there, and, now that I have, I understand it more. That's not who I really am, and the drunk version of yourself isn't who you really are, so, having been there myself and receiving understanding and a returned sense of love from the people I hurt, it wouldn't be fair to do anything else when it comes to you.”

At first, I was just yammering, but it all fell into place with every syllable I uttered. Sure, our situations had their obvious differences, but Roger and I were essentially the same. He was stressed, and handled it the wrong way, causing him to hurt the people he loved. I, too, was stressed, by all the pain I refused to let out in any way, and I handled it the wrong way, by delving into a world of falsehoods I knew were too good to be true yet not caring enough to change it, and it caused me to hurt the people I loved, like Bill, Ellie, and Joey. I turned into a monster who only cared about being immediately comforted by the way out of my hurt to notice their feelings, and they welcomed me back into their lives with open arms (well, two out of the three – Bill was up in the air). Sure, Roger's tirade lasted a lot longer than mine did, but we were pretty much on the same track.

By doing it with the hand farthest from me, he tried to hide his emotions by wiping gently at his eyes. “You don't know what a relief it is to hear that from you,” he told me, his voice just the slightest bit shaky. “I thought for sure that I would never have my daughter back, no matter how much grovelling I did, but you're making it so easy for me to come back into your life.” We pulled into the driveway of our house, and I smiled, not only at what he was saying, but at the sight of my home, where I hadn't been in weeks.

Together, we took the things from the back seat of the car, and walked in together. Everything inside was quiet, with no sign of Mum. Confused, I turned to Roger. “Where did Mum go?” I inquired. “I would have thought she'd want to be a part of my return home.”

“She's taking care of a few things. She won't be gone long,” he informed me, setting my flowers down on the counter and moving to switch them over to a proper container. “Why don't you go on upstairs and lay down for a while? You've had a long few weeks, and you surely must be tired.”

While I'm sure I probably did, on a nightly basis while I was in the hospital, I didn't remember seeing Bill, and the prospect of having him again ignited the nerves in every part of my body, sparking me to life a little more. I didn't need to be asked twice if I wanted to go be with him. I could already feel the warmth of his body before I even fell asleep.

Upstairs, I took a quick shower, just to wash the generic stink of hospital off my body to try to move on from that little speed-bump in my life, and I eagerly dove into bed. The familiar comfort of my own bed, with my own pillows and blankets, encased me the moment I found myself inside of them. My ordeal was over and I could move onto making myself better and living life as a happier person. I heaved a sigh of relief, and worked on falling asleep.

I was still tucked in when the door opened and shut rather quickly. I cracked my eyes open, greeted by the sight of Bill sneaking quietly into my bedroom, a beaming sort of grin lighting up his entire essence. He noticed my eyes open before he got to my bed, and, having been caught, I popped up out of bed, making no secret that I was awake. “It's good to see you again, stranger,” I told him, adapting his expression. Just the feeling of being with him again was more than I could stand. I felt like I was going to burst with excitement. “I've probably seen you so many times, but I don't remember the past few weeks at all, so it's like I'm seeing you for the first time in a while.”

“Well, I was here,” he told me, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, his hand dangerously close to mine. “Every single night, we were together. Once you told me what happened, I adjusted my sleep schedule so we fell asleep and woke up at the same time every day, to maximize how long I could be with you.”

Flattered by his dedication to me, which must have been especially hard, given the band's tour schedule around Europe that, I remembered, had finished about halfway through my stint at the hospital, I pursed my lips a bit. “I'm glad you care enough to be there for me.”

“How could I possibly not be there, given what you told me?” he asked, seeming genuinely surprised by what I was saying. “You told me that you did what you did in an effort to see me and be with me all the time, so what kind of person would I be if I left you by yourself?”

“I'm not suggesting that you wouldn't. I'm just glad you were with me, and I'm glad you still are with me. I'm glad you don't think I'm a weirdo or anything.”

His smile returned, and he inched a tiny bit closer. “I've always thought you were a weirdo,” he giggled to me, drawing forth my hearty laughter. “And I always liked it, too.” Still showing his contentment, he stood upright once again, pacing over to the canvas that still sat on the working easel where I left it , distracted by Roger coming into my room and the eventual surrendering of consciousness as my body gave way to the drugs. He turned the stand toward me, so we could both admire the work I had done. “But, I guess I'm a bit weird, too, which means that the lyrics you painted in our sky fit pretty perfectly.”

“I just wish there were a way to 'be strange' together when we're awake, too,” I told him, discarding my blankets, now that I was comfortably asleep and would no longer need their warmth. “I kind of like you, if you didn't know.”

“Of course I know.” He headed over to the top of my dresser, fingering around in my jewelery box for a moment, before finding what he was looking for, tossing it to me. I opened my palms from the catch, delighted to see the heart necklace he had given me for Christmas sitting in my hands. Having been without it for so long, replacing it around my neck just felt right. “And that necklace dares to suggest that I like you back.”

I closed the clasp, adjusting the piece on my neck so it fit just right. “I was wearing this the night I almost died,” I recalled aloud, my fingers brushing over the charm, enjoying the feel of it back in its rightful place. “When they transferred me from the hospital to the psych ward, they made me take it off, just to make sure I couldn't harm myself with it.”

“You've got to be so happy to be out of that place,” he said to me, not taking his eyes away from my painting, studying it over and over again.

“More than I can possibly explain,” I replied, flubbing back down onto my bed, my feet planted on the floor, but my back on the mattress. “I don't remember much from my time inside,” I snickered, sounding more like I was talking about prison than a mental health institution, “but maybe it's for the best. I don't remember them exactly, but I remember there were some really seriously ill people in there. I'm glad to be back home.”

He nodded, still looking more at my piece than at me. “Now you can start making amends with everything that happened, and all the people you want to reclaim. I'm sure telling them where you've been will earn some sympathy, if they don't want to forgive you just by the power of apology.”

“Well, Ellie and Joey are already back,” I told him, staring vacantly at the ceiling, just enjoying all the feelings around me. The feeling of my bed beneath me. The feeling of being in my own bedroom again. The feeling of the necklace around me, where it should have always been. The feeling of Bill's unmistakeable presence I could never just overlook. “They were with Roger when he brought me home. I didn't get much time to talk with them, because we had to leave, but things seem like they're on the right track.”

“And, speaking of, how are things going with Roger?” Bill queried with a detectable air of prudence in his tone. “You told me he's making a solid effort to be the father he wasn't before.”

The bit of zeal I had felt in the car when my words summoned emotion from him flooded back through my body again, and, for once in a very long time, I smiled to myself at the thought of my father instead of ranting about what a terrible man he is or cursing his existence under my breath. “We weren't so different after all, so I'm intending to try to move past everything and embrace the person he's become without alcohol running his life.”

My room began to fill with the tantalizing smell of Italian food, which is something I hadn't had since before I broke up with Joey. They don't exactly serve high-class food to hospital patients. I wasn't sure what Roger was cooking up downstairs, but it smelled incredible, and I sniffed hungrily at the air.

“If you're happy, then I am, too,” Bill told me, making his way over to my bed and sitting down beside me, looking down at me lying comfortably in my own bed once again. “It takes a strong person to get through all of this.”

“Pshht,” I spat incredulously. “I'm far from strong, Bill; don't kid yourself on that one.”

“Of course you're a strong person,” he argued, his brow creased. “You got put through the ringer a whole lot in the past few years, and you're here to tell the tale. You don't seem very angry about much of it, meaning you're moving past it. Most people wouldn't be able to handle your burden , so I firmly believe that you are strong.”

“Strong people don't try to kill themselves.”

His eyes turned sympathetic, and he shifted his position so that he was lying at my side, taking extreme caution not to touch his bare arm to mine. I looked him dead in the face, daring him to oppose me. “So, after holding up for so long, you had one moment of weakness. You think that the instant in which you took those pills is going to define you in my eyes?” He shook his head. “Of course not. I've always loved you for your strength and ability to pull through the toughest situations, and that love and respect isn't going to stop just because of one slip-up. I bet everyone else feels the same way, too.”

Touched by his encouragement, and the fact that he didn't just sit there and let me beat myself up for something in the past that I can no longer change, I grinned at him. “What would I do without you in my life, Bill?”

“Probably hate yourself,” he said, sounding like he was sure he was telling me the truth. “But, I don't hate you. I think you're beautiful and lovely and all those other synonyms for amazing, and I'd do just about anything to make you see in yourself what I see in you.”

Interrupting one of the moments he and I were always good at having together, the front door slammed shut downstairs, jarring me a bit. “What was that?” I asked him, feeling almost worried. I had just gotten home, and I was adjusting to the promise of my newly renovated life, enjoying my time with Bill. Granted, it was probably just Mum returning home, but I still didn't appreciate the intrusion.

“I don't know,” Bill said, climbing out of my bed and heading to the door. “I'll check for you.” Without letting me say anything else, he stepped out of the room, shutting the door behind him deliberately. Unsure of what was going on, I pulled myself up into a normal seated position, straining to hear the words he was saying. The only bit I could make out over the clamoring downstairs was the question, “All set?”

Not a moment later, he came back in, leaving the door open to expose me to the commotion going on down on the first level of my house. A cocktail of different voices drifted up the stairwell and into my room, disrupting the peaceful dream world I was lingering in. “Well?”

“Were you expecting company?” he asked me, coming back over to me and taking a seat directly beside me again, motioning to the doorway. “Because there are a lot of people downstairs, and your living room looks done up in your favorite color, and it just seems like a lot going on. Ellie is here, and so is Joey, and a few other people I don't recognize.”

I shook my head, trying not to be disappointed that I would likely have to leave him. “I didn't anticipate anyone, but I should probably go and get dressed so I can make an appearance at whatever this little gathering is.”

Bill didn't looked bothered by this at all. “It's okay. You'll come back to bed in a few hours and we can spend more time together. We've gone longer apart, so it's not a big deal. Now, ready to go back?” Not entirely wanting to, overcome with the familiar desire to just stay with him and love him for as long as I could, I had to accept and wait for him to touch me in some way, jolting us both back to our respective versions of the real world. With a nervous grin, he slowly inched his face toward mine, and I puckered my lips, eagerly awaiting the brief blip of satisfaction I received in his kiss.

Only, when we meshed together in that sweet blissfulness, nothing happened. He didn't disappear, and I didn't feel any different, like I did when I woke up from my dreams. With me, he stayed, his lips pressed to mine for an astounding couple of seconds in one of the sweetest kisses I had ever received.

He was the one who broke our lip-lock, and I looked at him with my face manipulated into a clear display of utter confusion. “What's going on? Why are you still here?” I asked him. “Why did touching you not wake me up?”

With the most saccharine chuckle, Bill gingerly placed a hand on my cheek, looking me dead in the eye. His skin was just as warm and silky-smooth as I always imagined that it would be when I fantasized about actually getting to touch him someday, and I leaned instinctively into his palm. “You're not waking up because you're not dreaming, Ashley,” he cooed to me.

Just as I was about to ask what was going on, Ellie and Joey made their way into my bedroom, proving that they were the pounding up the stairs that my mind barely registered in awe of the sweetness of Bill's kiss. With her hip popped and a wicked smile on her face, Ellie announced, “I always told you that I thought you were crazy for believing in those dreams you told me about, but, it turns out, you weren't as off your rocker as I thought you were.” She noticed the expression on my face, so she decided to put it simply for me, for which I was most grateful. “You're awake, smart one.”

Consumed entirely by sheer disbelief, I turned away from her to face him, searching for any sort of something either confirming or denying her seemingly ridiculous claim. The smile I so cherished overtook him as he told me, taking my hands in his. “When you fell asleep that night you took the sleeping pills, and you told me what you did, I lost my mind, Ashley. You said you wanted to sleep to be with me, and I went crazy thinking of what you almost did to yourself. Familiar with where your town is, I caught the first flight that I could into the city and went up to the hospital to find you, where I met the two of them in your room before you got moved into the psychiatric department where we couldn't see you.”

Joey laughed, nudging Ellie's side. “We thought we were overtired from the lack of sleep we got worrying about you. She mentioned that you dream about him every night, and we thought maybe we were going out of our minds.” His eyes were warm and unassuming, which was comforting, though I didn't make any movement to change my expression. I had never wanted to tell him about my numerous dreams, which felt like emotional cheating, to be honest, but I was glad he was taking the news so well. “When you said you loved him, I just assumed you meant you had a fan-crush on him. I didn't know how serious you were.”

“You said you took the pills in an attempt to be with me forever, and your train of thought sparked something inside of me,” Bill continued, not making any movement to let go of my hands. “So, once I was sure you were okay, I flew back home to Los Angeles, and I talked something seriously out with my brother. As soon as I thought I was able to see you, I came back here to Rhodes, but we found out that it was only your parents who could go in. I've been here since last week, waiting for you to get out so I could come see you for real.” He leaned in, pressing his forehead to mine, looking me dead in my deer-in-headlights eyes. “I have to say, I loved you with all my heart just while we were bound together by our dreams, but, being with you in real life, I can't help but feel like I've lost myself entirely to you.” He topped this off with another quick peck.

“Tell her the other part, and make it snappy,” Ellie insisted, talking to Bill like they had been friends for ages. “She's got her party waiting downstairs.”

He turned to me again. “We're throwing you a welcome-home party. That's what's going on downstairs, but, before we go, I have a question I'd like to ask you.”

I took a moment to breath, to try to make sense of everything, to convinced my stunned mind that he really was there, right in front of me. Bill Kaulitz, in my bedroom, kissing me for real, telling me he loved me. Every dream I ever had was coming true, and I was too shocked to do anything about it. Astonished didn't even come close to describing what I felt. “That is?”

“Well, you said you wanted to sleep forever because it meant being with me forever, and, without one of us dying, I think that's a really cool idea, being together forever.” His eyes ignited with a devilish sort of look, and I knew he was about to drop something big on me. I was too shocked by it all to brace myself for anything. “So, how would you feel about moving out to Los Angeles with me?”

My jaw fell immediately, and my ability to formulate words had been paralyzed entirely.

It was fairly obvious, and he snickered, continuing on. “I went months without you, Ashley, and being so close yet still so far away from you made me realize that I never want to be without you. If you're with me, then I never have to worry, or wonder if you're okay. We won't have to limit our time together to when we're just sleeping. I'm sure we could find some sort of band-related job for you to do to earn your keep while we're touring, so you can come with me. We'll see the world, then go back home and just enjoy each other. It sounds crazy, I know, since this is technically the first time we've ever really met, but I'm in love with you. You're the girl I've waited my entire life to have, and now that I have you, I don't ever want to let you go.” His smile was astounding, as always, as he squeezed my hand tightly. “So, what do you say?”

Ellie laughed hysterically at what a moron I was surely making myself out to be. “If you're worried about all of us here in Rhodes, don't be. Your parents are fine with it, and so are the two of us,” she told me, calming her roaring laughter to a genuine smile. “Besides, I considered moving out there next summer to get away from Rhodes for a change, anyway.”

Still, I couldn't force myself into saying much of anything. All of this was just coming as such a surprise – that he was here, that he wanted to love me the way he always did in our dreams, that he wanted me to be with him – that my mind couldn't find the words to properly formulate how this whole thing, everything he was saying to me, the fact that he was here, what he was doing to me. When I began to stammer, everyone in my room laughed at me, which only made me fight harder to find the words that weren't coming.

Finally, Bill cut me some slack. “You don't have to answer now,” he soothed, rubbing his thumb against the top of my hand gently, trying to ease whatever it was that I was very obviously feeling. “You can make the decision later, and there will be no hurt feelings if you decide to stay here.”

“No,” I stopped him as he went to stand up, pulling him back down onto my bed. I had him before me, and I wasn't going to let him go. “There's no waiting, and there's no deciding. Of course, I'm going to go with you. I can't turn you away twice.” I couldn't help but to notice Joey smirk to himself in the background, but he said nothing. “I love you with all my heart, Bill. I would love to move out to the west coast with you. A thousand times, yes.”

I was pretty sure that Bill knew I was going to agree to his proposal, so he didn't look all that shocked when I finally gave him my answer. He did, however, proudly display the beaming smile that loudly proclaimed just how happy my being all for his plan had made him. I was a bit upset when he released my hands from within his, but was consoled immediately when he tossed his arms around me and hugged me close to him. The proximity, him being there, this whole crazy thing being real after all was so intoxicating in the very sweetest of ways. I wanted to feel that way forever. “Then we'll make the arrangements when the night dies down,” he confirmed, rising to his feet and pulling me up with him. “For now, you've got a lot of people downstairs who are very excited to see you.”

My problems behind me, brighter, happier horizons just ahead, we all made our way down the stairs to the small gathering being held in honor of my life, and the fact that I still have it. The living room had been decorated with purple decorations, because someone knew it was my favorite color, the people inside looked relieved to be able to attend the little shindig, and the air wafting from the party smelled deliciously familiar in an Italian sort of way. The shock of it all astounded me before I even entered the living room, greeted by a barrage of familiar faces when I did.

Everyone who had ever cared about me was in attendance. Mr. Protoccelli stood with the woman from the pictures on his desk who I had presumed to be his girlfriend, tucked away by the big front window. Ellie's whole family, who I had grown up with, was by the entryway to the living room. Yosuke and Sam were hard at work programing the stereo to play a bunch of homemade CDs they held in their hands, fussing with them and laughing about it all the way. Back by the kitchen were Julian, and Rosetta, spread out down a long buffet-style table, with Julian at work arranging long serving trays of Italian food from his restaurant and Rosetta at the very end of it, perfecting a display of desserts. The remaining members of Tokio Hotel was seated on the couch, chatting quietly. Mum and Roger stood together with a small bundle of Mum's family from Yorkshire, who I hadn't seen in years.

Roger noticed me first, and clapped his hands together to garner everyone's attention, which soon turned to everyone looking at me, all of them beaming. Noting my elation, Bill removed his hand from mine, tucking it comfortably around my waist, pulling me that much closer to him as I wrapped my arms around him, admiring him smiling down at me as well. “On the count of three, guys!” my father exclaimed to everyone in the room with her, their smiles all growing in anticipation. “One... two... three!”

All at once, everyone, those in the living room and the small group of my closest friends, yelled at me with grins consuming their faces, “Welcome home, Ashley! We love you!”

To the sound of cheering, I made my way into the living room with tears in my eyes, taken aback by the astounding amount of support I overlooked that I had. I had so many things I wanted to say to so many people, and I could just tell everyone was just glad I would have the opportunity to say it to them. They spoke to me with a genuine air of love, and I had never felt so surrounded by support in my entire life.

Everything seemed to be on the right track. Ellie didn't even bring up our fight throughout the night, claiming her rightful spot as my best friend on whatever side of me Bill didn't occupy. Joey and I had come to peace with the fact that maybe we're better off as just friends, and we showed everyone just how good we are at that dancing video game we always played together for the sake of public amusement, not afraid to be a bit out there. Yosuke and Sam forgave me for being such a bitch and ditching them all the time. Mr. Protoccelli gave me his personal cell phone number, okay now that I wasn't his student anymore, to use in case I ever needed someone to just listen to me. The rest of Bill's band got acquainted with me, seeing as they'd soon have to be used to my presence. Mum seemed contented by her life, with a changed husband, a happier daughter, and her family from back at home surrounding her throughout the night. Roger spent the evening proudly showing off his sobriety chip, explaining to anyone who would listen that he was glad I didn't succeed in killing myself so he would get a second chance to be the father I've always needed.

On top of it all, I had Bill, who had loved me from the start, and promised to never stop, even though I made a bad choice or two in the past. Normally, before, I wouldn't buy into anything marked with “I promise” at the end, but I think this new, happier version of myself would be delighted to believe him. Everyone asked through the night about my plans to move in with him, leading me to believe that everyone was in on this whole thing long before I was. I took it all in stride, though, and graciously accepted the attention and congratulations, and just the fact that people cared enough to ask. Then, when my party ends, after I've filled up on food and laughed and had fun with the people who love me, I would work things out to see to it that being with the man I love goes smoothly, and we would be out of Rhodes as soon as possible. The whole prospect of spending forever with him sounded rather nice.

In the end, I guess life isn't so bad. Things are going to be okay after all.