bad religion // m. gray gubler

it will always be you

i watched the scene intensely, and i could feel matthew staring at me as i watched matthew and aubrey kiss each other intensely. a frown placed itself on my lips as i watched spencer and cat lock lips.

"you know what? we can skip this scene if it makes you uncomfortable."

"it's just not fair." i pout as matthew stares at me quizzically.

"huh?" he questions.

"it's. not. fair." i repeat back to him.

"i mean, you get to kiss me everyday and-"

"no. i'm jealous of you. not her." i scoff, and he pauses the tv.

"sorry what?" he laughs as continues to stare at me with furrowed eyebrows.

"do you have any idea what i wouldn't give to kiss aubrey plaza?" i say, motioning my hand towards the screen.

"...so you're not upset that you have to watch me make out with another woman, but...that i'm kissing aubrey plaza?" matthew repeats slowly, trying to get a grasp on exactly how i was feeling.

"is she a good kisser? she kind of looks like she'd be a good kisser" i ask, staring at the frozen frame of matthew and aubrey on the screen.

"what is happening right now?" he speaks out loud as he runs his hands through his hair.

"can i have her number?" i ask, looking over at matthew.

"what- no. what?" matthew says, furrowing his eyebrows at me.

"fine. i'll just dm her." i shrug.

matthew glares, grabbing my hip and pulling me into his side.

"you will do no such thing." he frowns, and i smile, leaning up and pressing a soft kiss to his jaw.

"okay but seriously, is she a good kisser?" i ask after a short pause.

"i...i feel like no matter how i answer this question, it's going to get me in trouble." he sighs.

i glare at him slightly before looking back at the screen and pressing play.

"she's definitely a good kisser." i say, nodding my head.

"i really don't like this conversation." he says, making me shake my head.

we continue to watch the episode in silence, but as we're watching, my mind wanders into places i wish it hadn't. what if the only reason he wanted me was simply because he couldn't have me? or what if he just really missed having me around and he was lying about being in love with me because he knew that's what would make me stay? it's not like he hadn't lied about his feelings before. and i knew i shouldn't be thinking this way, but i couldn't help myself. he had pretended for so long that he may have felt the same way because my feelings for him made him feel good about himself. what if this was just the same thing and i'm just a place card for when someone he really wants comes around? granted i wasn't like any of the women he'd dated before. so many thoughts crossed my mind that i wished hadn't. i didn't even realized how long i was in my own head because before i knew it, matthew was snapping his fingers in front of my face. i look up at him, shaking my head.

"oh. sorry. i spaced out for a second." i chuckled, quickly adjusting myself on the couch.

"hey...are you okay?" he asks.

his eyes scan over my face as i quickly nod my head.

"yeah...yeah i'm okay." i smile.

matthew tsk's, shaking his head slowly at me.

"i thought you'd know better by now than to lie to me." he sighs, placing his hand on my jaw, rubbing his thumb softly over my cheek.

i lean into his touch as a sad chuckle escapes my lips.

"i feel stupid for even thinking about it." i say, looking down at my fingers as my melancholic tone creates a somber mood around us.

"baby...if it's upsetting you, it's not stupid." matthew quickly reassures, grabbing my hands.

i sigh, flicking my eyes up to his, but quickly looking away.

"i just...i dunno. please don't misunderstand this. because i love you so much. i am so in love with you it's a little bit concerning. and you're the love of my life. i think i've known that from the moment i met you and you broke my nose and gave me mediocre first aid care." i snort, making him smile.

"but...?" he says, pushing me to continue.

"but...i can't help but feel scared that this isn't real...for you. that...that one day you'll wake up and realize that maybe this isn't love. that you'll realize that you just really missed me. or you thought making me think you're in love with me would be the only way i'd come back to you. or one day you'll meet the perfect woman and-"

"asteria selene....i've already met the perfect woman. i met her on the set of alvin and the chipmunks and she was wearing a horrendous sequined costume and i broke her nose. she's one of the most kindest women i've ever met. she's the only woman who's okay with listening to too much james taylor or putting up with my crazy antics or allowing me to make her laugh until it hurts. my mother loves her and her mother loves me...or at least i hope she still does." he chuckles, and i wipe away at the stray tears that seemed to have fallen down my cheeks.

"i know that you love me but i just-"

"no, asteria. you don't know that i love you. and that's nobody's fault but my own. i broke your trust. and i know i keep saying it but i'm so sorry. and i'll spend the rest of my life rebuilding that trust in me. rebuilding your faith in me. you may have healed overtime and marcus may have been able to help you with your faith in love but we never fixed the things that happened between us. not really anyways. so let's fix it. let's talk about it and let's fix it. because i'm not going to lose you again over a stupid choice that i made 3 years ago." he urges, scooting closer towards me and gripping my hands tightly.

i nod my head, a soft smile on my face.

"i just...i couldn't even tell you how i felt. and every part of me wants to throw the past out the window where it belongs. but that night changed something. and sometimes, even though i don't want to, i'm hesitant when you tell me that you love me. and i feel like i'm just waiting for the day when you realize that it's not real. because this is so real for me. it always has been. i was so in love with you then and i'm so in love with you now. and i'm so sick of bringing up the past but i'm just so scared of looking like a fool, all over again." i sigh, putting my face into my hands.

matthew runs his fingers lightly through my hair. i look up at him and he pushes my hair away from my wet cheeks, wiping them clean with his thumbs.

"i know. but i need you to know that past matthew is dumb. he had no idea how much love he actually held in his heart for you...i figured it out when it was too late. i'm not going to wake up one morning and decide you're not what i want anymore. i'm never going to meet anyone else i'd rather spend the rest of my life with. i'm never going to wake up and realize that this wasn't what i thought it was. you're it. it has been and will always be you."

he places his forehead on mine and i lean up, gently placing my lips on his. i run my fingers through his hair, tugging slightly at the roots and i sit up on my knees, swinging my leg over his, seating myself on his lap. i pull away and he stares deeply into my eyes.

"it will always be you."