Internet diary of a depressed kid.

Thursday 13 November 2014

Today I woke up feeling like a failiure because yesterday I ate over 1300 calories because I would of been at around 600 calories but then I ate a mug cake (500-800cals) but then I weighed myself and i'm finally 39.5kg (i'm 148cm tall) I didn't feel as bad but I still hate myself. I didn't eat breakfast, I only drank a cup of coffee (6 cals) and lemon water (5 cals) then on the bus to school I was overthinking and wished for the bus to crash into something like everyday.
When I got to school people were again staring at me and the older people were laughing by themselves and looking at me. I had art first and it was alright then I had math and then Spanish in spanish one of my 'friends' was like "you trying to be goth or something?" And I reply with a "more like emo" I literally hate spanish class. It puts so much stress on me that prevents me from losing weight.
After Spanish I had lunch and I didn't eat anything, I just went into the school's tiny library and watched thinspo videos on my phone. I always tell my friends that I ate a lot for breakfast, i'm not hungry or I don't have an appetite. I hate the fact that they always stick their heads into other peoples problems and I wish they would leave me alone. I sat the whole lunch in the library alone until near the end one of the boys in my class sat down next to me and kept repeating "julia's sad" I just pretended that I was listening to music and couldn't hear him.
After lunch we had sports!! Yaasshh!! We had gymnastics and I did everything I could to burn calories.
The rest went by quick and when I was on the bus to go home my mom called me to go grocery shopping with ger so I had to take out my makeup to cover up my eyeliner.
When we were grocery shopping my mom bought me pink temporary hair dye finally so I can dye my ends pink.
For dinner we had chicken breast and rice. I always have to eat dinner so of course I caved in and ended my fast at 20h by eating around 300cals. :(
Then afterwards I went on my computer to watch YouTube and collect and look at thinspo. Then my mom saw that at a different grocery store there was creme brule for sale so I was left alone for 30 minutes and decited to work out. I'm guessing I burned 100-200cals.
When my mom got home of course the creme brule was all out but she bought these lemon creame deserts for both of us and I had to eat one. Uggh. Then I did my homework and looked at some more thinspo. Now i'm in bed and if anything happens during tonight I will add that in tomorrows entry. Good night!

[A/N i'm sorry if it's boring or confusing i'm not good at writing in the past tense or like a diary. I have written stories before but they are all in the present tense and like a fictional story. Again i'm sorry!! Any suggestions or tips/ana tips & ect. Will be taken into consideration with open arms!]