Live And Let Die

2

Cattie's POV

Some days things just really hit you hard and you are depressed the whole day. Some days it's the opposite. Today was one of the bad days. I feel sad all the time and I don't know how to make it stop, some days like today are worse than others but right now I feel like I could scream and lay in my bed the entire day and just sleep forever. I woke up crying this morning.

I woke up this morning and popped in a few antidepressant pills which has become all too familiar to my normal morning routine.

I am no where near the same kid I was three years ago. I am so much quieter, way less happy, and I feel so out of place. The only time I can really free myself and completely let myself go is on the rugby field. Even though the events that have destroyed me now happened three years ago they still torment me every single day. They completely changed my life. I have been to three different mental institutions, all for a week. I take antidepressant pills. And I go to a shrink and a support group type thing a few times a week. Today is one of those days that I get to go.

I am not one of those people that just thinks of every negative part of every situation and makes themselves depressed. I am psychologically and physically traumatized. I cannot help or change the way things process through my brain because of how mentally fucked up I am. Some things just go through my head and make me a certain mood or they make me upset for some reason and I hate it because I can't change it. Then I get frustrated and it gets worse. Now I don't want to kill myself or anything and I don't self harm but there are times where the depression gets the better of me and I want to die at certain times.

It's terrible. I don't want to be like this I hate it so much. It makes hard for other people to be around me. And it's hard for certain people to talk to me. I hate being like this. I would change it if I could but unfortunately you can't change the way your brain works.

.

4:00 time to see my psychiatrist (a shrink)

I drove to Mr. Melbourne's office down town then walked into the brick building, signed in and walked into his office.

"Good afternoon Ms. Jensen," he said. I cringe every time he calls me that for some reason and he knows I don't like when he calls me that. It makes me feel like I am at school.

"Good afternoon Mr. Melbourne." I told him.

"Fine you win Cattie."

He hates when I call him by his last name instead of his first name Cris because we are really close because I have gone here so often.

I smiled back.

"Are you having one of your bad days again?" He asked.

"Yes." I stated.

"How are you feeling?"

I thought for a second.

"I feel depressed, frustrated, tired, and I guess scared. Depressed from everything that has happened and it's just the lasting effects. Frustrated because I can't make it go away, I can't ever stop thinking about it. It always lingers in the back of my mind. It makes me feel like I'm going insane sometimes. Tired of always having this cloud of depression and frustration and always feeling so out of place and like I am making people so unhappy because I can never be the same again. Scared because I am afraid that I will never come out of this feeling. I am afraid that the thoughts of that night will always haunt my dreams and linger in the back of my mind. There's been three incidents where this, this cloud of like depression or something just takes over me and I can't think or anything. I'm like unconscious or something. During these incidents I have these little voices in my head that tell me I'll be so much happier if I leave. You're friends will understand why you did what you did. You'll finally be with your parents. The first time I was home alone and I had those voices telling me what to do, I walked into the kitchen with tears streaming down my face and shaking then I grabbed a knife and was standing there the voices were speaking to me and gave me the last few thoughts then all of sudden I had woke up from that trans and dropped the knife then began shaking and crying only 10 times worse though. I was so scared and I didn't know what to do. The second and third time was the same thing except I was on the roof one time and I had rope tied around my neck the second time." I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks. "How do I make it stop? When will I stop feeling like this? All I want is for these voices and these memories to leave my mind. They just keep screaming at me and keep playing a little movie in my head that never stops. It just plays over and over again, constantly reminding me about what happened. I want it to stop!" I was yelling now. "Just make stop! Make it stop! Please dear god please give me something to make it stop!" I was sobbing. "Just make it stop please. Oh my god, am I going crazy?" I asked running my fingers through my hair then putting my face in my hand as felt the tears stream down my face.

"Have you ever gone to any mental institutions Cattie?" Cris asked with a pause.

"Three of them. There is no way in hell that you are going to send me to another one of those. I went to each one for a week and not only did they not do shit other than give me meds and make me eat and feel like shit, but the people in the first one scared then shit out of me and I almost never feel scared. I will feel uncomfortable and out of place or anxiety a lot, but not fear. Not like that."

"Did you talk to anyone there?"

"Yes. There was this boy that was my age, he understood everything that I was taking about, everything at felt because he had almost the exact same thing happen. We were in for the same reason, he was really easy to talk to and we got really close over the course of that week. It was nice being able to talk to someone that could relate to everything that I was talking about and how I felt. I miss him sometimes"

"It helps when you can talk to someone that can relate to you?"

"Yeah."

"Time's up Cattie. I'll see you on Wednesday."

"Bye Cris."

"Bye Cattie," He said then I walked myself out and drove home in the rain.

I like the rain. It makes me happy. It makes me feel alive and it comforts me. Comfort is a feeling I need quite often, too bad it can't rain all the time. Rain really goes with any mood and makes it more dramatic like a movie. It shows the reality. And it feels amazing. Snow is kind of like that too, but snow is so much colder.

I want all of this to be over already.

When I got home I walked straight up to my room,tears still streaming down my cheeks, and curled up into a ball on my bed as I looked at an old photo album from when I was so little. So pure and happy. My family was full. Everyone loved each other. I miss that. I miss being a part of a real family. Don't get me wrong I love Andrew and his family like they are my own but it's not the same.

Seeing the pictures upsets me even more. Jesus Christ I am an idiot for looking at the photo album right now. I threw the photo album across the room then let out a few sobs until Andrew's little brother Alexander walked in and hugged me.

"I'll go get Drew." He told me then hurried out the door.

Andrew walked in. He didn't look surprised he's used to this by now. But this is the worst breakdown, other than the suicide attempts, that I've ever had. I can't stop crying or shaking. Then he walked over laid down on the bed with me and held me in his arms as I buried my head in his chest while he tries to calm me down and comfort me. Nothing sexual whatsoever. He would never do that. All he's doing is finding a way to comfort his "sister". I appreciate that very very much from him and I am so thankful I have him. He's my "brother" and I have no idea what I would do without him.

We laid there as he whispered things like "shh" or "it's gonna be okay" "you're okay" "calm down CJ calm down" "deep breaths sweetie you'll be alright." just nice comforting things to get me to stop crying.

I ended up crying myself to sleep.

I don't know what to do sometimes and that scares me.

Yo! Hey guys I'm sorry this chapter was so depressing, but I just needed you guys to see how Cattie is when she has bad days like that. I hope you liked that chapter and please comment a few you things you may like to see in the book or any constructive criticism. I am open to suggestions. I'm sorry it's taking me longer to update now but I am in school so I do have more going on and less time to write. Later dearies.

Other books:

Battle Born (Niall Horan)

Estrella - Andy Biersack

Pool Q || Luke Hemmings ||

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