Nerd.

semi-automatic

For a moment, I feel a tad bit at peace. I've remembered my mother's words, and have tried to learn the things she always wanted me to know. What I learnt was that my father was deranged. He raised me to be like a girl. He wanted a daughter. But I was a boy. So he tried to make me a boy. Now all of this came crashing down. My love, my life, my interests, opinions, every single aspect of my life was changed. I felt something change in me that I'd never felt in my entire life. I was so angry, no scratch that, I was so furious at life. I was furious with my father for snatching every single bit of me before I could even be me. Furious at myself for not realizing it sooner. Furious for not fighting against it. But now I knew. Now I knew everything and I felt small. I'd always felt small, but this, this moment in time, this has ruined me. I wanted to just curl up into a ball and die. But that was pretty much what I was doing anyway. My father had not only influenced and forced me into being a girl, but he also forced me to 'always keep a pretty body and pretty face' or nobody would like me. Now that this is all crumbling down, I have only just now figured out that he's the reason why I'm so skinny, and so unnatural looking. Because I was a disaster waiting to happen. I was the product of his destruction. He had planned every little bit of this just to watch me slowly tick away and crumble, just like my mother. At these thoughts, I begin to feel more and more angry. I wanted to murder him. I had been robbed of being me all of my life as punishment just because I wasn't a woman. And I didn't deserve it. I didn't understand it. I want to get rid of this mask that isn't even me, I want to discover who I am. But I don't even know how, because I thought I'd already done that. Obviously not though, I didn't try hard enough. And now I felt humiliated and like I was just a little sock he used to throw around and beat when he was angry. I was his mistake. And I would forever be his mistake.