Maybe If I

Chapter 28: Her Diary

A few days after Christmas the girls of the family excluding Sydney. They all went to the after Christmas sales. Bucky was play wrestling with Cooper and Aiden in Nikki's room while they watched a movie.

They both tackled him down. "Oh you boys tagged team daddy.." he said as he tickled them.

They were in a fit of giggles as he tickled them. As he tickled him something caught his eye. A pink book under Nikki's night stand.

"Okay boys time to take a break its nap time anyways." He said as he put them on her bed.

They picked Robin Hood the animated version as their movie. Bucky reached under night stand he sat against the bed.

"Maybe If I"
He read across the first page. Bucky was confused at first cause Nikki has never talked about writing a book. He turned it to the first page.

This isnt going to be a typical diary I'm not that type of person. But this is my feelings my heart breaking for one boy James B. Barnes or Bucky.

Bucky swallowed hard. He texted Nikki to see when she would be back. She replied back with maybe an hour or two.

He turned it to the next page.

"Tonight my dad had Winnie give me what the boys called the sex talk. Along with Becca after she left I asked Winnie how I would know if I like a boy. She told me that he would make nervous that it would feel like butterflies in my stomach and just presence would make me smile. She asked if I liked boy I lied cause its her son that does that to me at 11."

"Well I guess I need to stop hanging out with Kannon so much. Bucky seems to think that I'm his girl. Kannon doesnt make me feel the way Bucky does. But I get the feeling that this Sydney girl that has been hanging around is more than a friend. She is very pretty prettier than me thats for sure. Everybody is prettier than me."

"Yeah she is definitely more than a friend. I just found them kissing on the couch he had his hand up her shirt. And to top off the day now he is about to be my step brother! Why? Why is this happening to me?" Bucky saw the tear stains on that entry. "Oh Nikki..now I know why you couldnt look at me when I found you in the kitchen." He whispered

He turned to the next page.
"Wedding day was today. Bucky and all of the Barnes kids are my step siblings. All I wanted was one dance with him. But Sydney was his date and she never left him alone. Carter found me crying in a dark room. He tried to make me feel better."

"Sydney is such a b word! I quit cheer today! Because of her! She doesnt know me at all. And she and her mean girl friends sat there laughing about me and my crush on Bucky. Calling me gross weird and a stalker. She thinks that I was only a cheerleader cause of Bucky. I am three years younger than him I was 5 when I started."

"Well today was awkward and traumatizing. But I guess that the real reason he doesnt see me is because she has big boobs. I seen her and him in all their glory. No wonder he seems to always have his hands up her shirt. Im 13 and still dont have any. Becca Ellie and the others do. Im never gonna get a boy friend if mine dont grow soon."

Bucky closed his eyes as tears welled. He realized in that moment how it looked to her that night. It did look bad in her eyes when he turned her down.

The next page he turned to was covered in tear drop stains. All he could manage out of it was "Bucky's getting married...Sydney is pregnant...moving away."

It was her entry from the night he got engaged. He read over a few more pages until he got to another tear stained covered page. The night of the hotel incident. None of it was readable except a few parts.

"Im an idiot..he doesnt like me...maybe if I had boobs like her. Or maybe I am just not attractive."

Bucky looked down as he shook his head. He turned the page.

"I dont know why he acted like he gives crap if i got implants or not. Its my life Im 16 my friends have all gotten their first kisses and lost their v cards. Heck Becca is pregnant then there is me the ugly duckling Hadley Nicole."

He finally got to the page where she tried to end her life.

"Today my best friend got engaged. Bucky sent Sydney two dozen red roses and diamond earrings for their anniversary. Im done I just want to go be with mom again I have been living in NY for a year. Its just like my old school no dates no dances. I want to end it all..goodbye James Buchanan I loved you with all my heart but you never saw me. It was always Sydney."

Bucky wiped tears as he closed the book it was the last entry. He put the book back under her nightstand. As he got up he heard car doors he looked out to see Joe coming in from the hospital.

Bucky went downstairs once he saw that the boys were asleep. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge. "You alright James your eyes are red.." Joe said

"Yeah I am..just missing dad is all. Do you mind to listen for the boys? I need to clear my head." He said

"Sure..just be careful." Joe said as he pointed to the beer.

Bucky finished it off and left. He drove out to his dad's grave. Bucky sat down with his back against the tombstone.

"I miss ya dad. I could use one of our heart to hearts. How could I be so blind and stupid dad? She did her best to cover her pain and tears. All while I was practically shoving it down her throat that I loved someone else." He said as he wiped tears.

"I know what you are going to say dad. That I am married and what I have done isn't good. But I can say this now that you are gone. Maybe you were right dad maybe I should of listen to you when I said I wanted to marry Sydney." He said as he looked up at the sky.

Bucky sighed then headed back home. He saw Nikki's car was back so he headed upstairs. She was quietly put away her new stuff.

"Hey" she whispered

He pulled the shirt out of her hand and pulled her into his room. "I was busy." She whispered as he shut the door.

He kissed her as he lead her to his bed. Once he laid her down they began to make out as he thrusted in and out of her.

They laid there after he was done. "I was only gone a few hours." She said as they laid under his covers.

"I know..but I missed you. I can only color and wrestle for so long." He said

"Im tired now.." she said

He slipped on his boxers. "You are always tired here lately." He said as he pulled out a old football t shirt for her.

Once she pulled it on along with her panties they fell asleep.