Discontinued

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

“You okay?” Ethan asks as soon as Toraq disappears.

Am I okay?

I’m not sure, I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. But I don’t tell him that. So instead, I just nod not having the courage to speak. Well at least not yet.

He smiles at me, a tiny dimple forms on his cheek and out of nowhere a flash of jealousy hits me. She gets to have him. By force but never the less she has him. The soft kind and caring Ethan. The Ethan who always puts a smile on my face. That monster gets to have him. Would he still be the same Ethan in a few years? No not with her. She will turn him into a monster also. The thought comes out of nowhere and I repress it quickly not wanting my face to betray me.

“I can’t do this.” It comes out as a whisper at first. Ethan’s eyes grow. “I can’t do this.” I say again much louder.

Instantly he shuffles closer to me lifting my chin with his thumb and forefinger making a shhhhh sound. As if I’m a child that needs to be coddled. He always does this. He is too kind for this place, to kind for her.  

“You can.” I start to shake my head but his grip tightens not enough to hurt me but just to keep me steady. “You can do this.” He says again his voice filled with determination.

Tears shoot to my eyes, the same eyes that I’m trying to hide but he refuses to let go. I hate crying especially in front of other people. 

I blink my eyes letting the tears fall my nose burns as my emotions threaten to spill over. His gaze softens as he rubs a tear away with his thumb, his green eyes watching me full of worry.

“What did she do to you?” The words rush out of my mouth, fear flashes across his face and I regret them almost instantly. I’ve wanted to ask him for a while now but something held me back. Fear. Maybe. If I didn’t know it wasn’t real and I could just keep on pretending but I need to know now. I need to know.

He sits back running his hand through his hair over his face. He stays silent for a while, his head hanged forward. His shoulders sagged making him look like a boy rather than the bulking huge man that he is.

“She raped me.” The words are so low that I almost didn’t hear it. And now I wish I didn’t.

“Wha…?”

A bitter laugh escapes his lips. “It’s fucking crazy you know. How naïve I was thinking that men couldn’t get raped. I mean fuck how is that even possible.” He pulls at his hair. “She drugged me” He spits shaking his head as if saying he still can’t believe it.

“Some plant that made me….” He shivers before he continues “that made me want her. It’s like I wasn’t in control of my body. I ..” His voice breaks and so does my heart.

I grab his hand in mine Toraq’s threat the last thing on my mind. Fuck him. Fuck them I will be strong for Ethan even if it is just for a second.

“I hate her.” He cries softly and I’m at a loss for words. I’ve never been good with emotions not mine or other peoples. He is. He has this way to put a smile on my face and forget just for a second and I so desperately want to do it for him but my words are blocked by the burning lump in my throat. What would I even say? That I hate her too? I do. I hate that she broke this beautiful man in front of me. I want to break her also. I want to hurt her.

“She did it for so long. I didn’t even realize.” His head stays down. He is trying to hide his tears from me but I’ve already seen them. He is afraid to look weak in front of me but men who cry aren’t weak they are simply just human. I was about to tell him as much to tell him to not hide from me, that I understand but the word understands echo’s inside my head and I suddenly realize that I do not understand. How can I possibly understand if I have not been through the same thing? I can sympathize, I can cry with him but the memories and events that haunt him will never haunt me. He sees her every day. Not by choice. But he has to see her every day.  Her face full of longing flashes through my face and I quickly swallow trying to keep my breakfast down. She’s sick. She’s fucking sick. And the rest of them? Why did they not help him?