Story Times

Story time - I was a kid with no friends

Attention! This story is super depressive and involves suicide thoughts, but there is a happy ending. If you have depression like me, read this and I'll tell how I live my days happy and satified.

Hello. Today I was watching a youtube show called "Caçadora de brinquedos" (translation "hunter toys"). Its a brasilian show made by an amazing youtuber called Maíra Medeiros and the show is about her looking for old toys on "shops" and giving them to their closest friends. In the end she ask to her friends to talk about their childood and I started thinking about my childood and then I noticed something.

Before my 7 years I smiled everyday and I didn't have one single friend.

Well, I mean there was this girl that we called friends to each other, but she never was my real friend. So I always played alone, there wasn't anyone to talk about the things I liked at the time, that I REALLY liked.

So what happened? I was saw as a weirdo and, then, I received a LOT of bullying. Just verbal bullying. I lost my smiled. Until my 15 years (11 years of bullying and depression) I didn't smile at all, unless I was in home, alone with my thoughts and imaginary friends.

All this 11 years I scolded (?) all my emotions and opinions. I was like a dummy!

I remember so well the first time I thought to do suicide and its really sad, you're gonna be chocked. Your jaw will touch the floor.

I was only seven years old. Think in your life, okay? What were you doing when you had less then 10 years?

My depression strated with 6 years (because I started school with that age) and my first suicidal thought with 7 years. Just one year of depression and I already wanted to die.

And you now may be thinking "Then, how did you survived?"

I...I thought "No...I don't want to. My mommy will miss me and then what? What will happen to me after I do that?". I am pround of what I did. The years after that were worst then the day before, but I never feel regreted to always said "No. I'll stay alive because I want to see what will happen tomorrow. I want to see my shows, my toys, my family."

(My God I am crying)

All this 11 years...I was so turned off of the life that I...I don't remember this years. I just...I can't.

There is times and there was it times when I invited a friend to my house and when they sayed "Oh! Your house is big, its so beautiful! You're so lucky to have this life! I which I had it tge same!" I just wanted to punch their face!
"I AM LUCKY?! ARE YOU FUCKYING KIDDING TO MY FACE?!" I thought. Think with me. If I was in a miserable state with my soul and I was called lucky, then when was I gonna have some luck in life?

But after all this don't regret any bad things that happened in my life. I wouldn't change anything, because I am the person I am thanks to that. Yeah its still a pain in ass because I have big scars in may heart that refuse to heal, but now I can handle the pain. Finally I am living my happy ever after! I have friends that understand me, I have respectfull classmates, I am happy most of the time!

I still have my problems like everyone else and this is the life I am happy to have.

Sometimes I feel sad because I can't communicate straight with people and most of the times that sucks because society thinks that everyone can say what they are thinking and I can't do that so...yeah many times I am seen as a retard. But I don't mind.

So I know that right now this may beeing seen by someone with depression and I want to say something.
"Tamo juntos meu irmão/minha irmã!" and remember, always look for an happy ending. Cinderela nailed it. You can do it too.