Illusive

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight (Long Epilogue)

Dear Atlas,

I miss you and I am so sorry that words can't even explain. I don't know what to think, let alone feel. I'm sorry I haven't come sooner, I'll be putting this letter on your grave a year after it happened. I

'm sorry, I was too afraid to face this whole situation, and reality. After I heard what was wrote on the note they found a few days after the incident and how it was all personally hand signed and straight from the heart, I cried so hard. I swear I cried for days. I didn't go to school the entire week after it happened. 

I remember seeing the look of utter despair on your mom's face, I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was unlike any sensation I've ever felt in my life. It felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs, like I was unexpectedly punched in the stomach then someone stuck a vacuum in my throat on top of it. I didn't know where to go, what to feel. 

So I found my way of coping, I just turned most of my feelings off for a small period of time. It didn't help me run away though. I knew it was something I'd have to face eventually. I spent this past year trying to make things better somehow, I didn't know how at first. 

I stopped talking to Jake, I didn't talk to him the entire week I took off school and I refused to see him again. When he confronted me I told him that it wasn't a game anymore and I vowed to myself I wouldn't let him boss me around and play me like a toy for another second in my life. I know I should have done it earlier, I regret it so hard. 

The more details of the whole incident they pulled up and kept showing me kept tearing me apart but I knew I needed to know. When your Mom found out all the details she didn't abandon me like I was possibly expecting, she was by my side the whole time. We would hold hands and cry when we'd learn new things and she never let me find out by myself, it was all honest. 

Lily grew even more attached to me when I came over even more, she would bring us tissues when we'd be crying over things we learned, she would hug us and cuddle us and she always told both of us, "I don't know what you're reading or crying about, but it's okay." She knows you're in a better place now, we told her you're in the stars and that you love her so much. 

We tell her that you will always protect her because even though you're in the sky with the stars, you will always be her big brother and keep an eye on her. She has grown so much and she is going to be a very strong and independent woman. 

One day we'll come clean to her about what all happened but your mom said she doesn't want her to know until she's eighteen or older -- it's better for her. She is so strong, loving, caring, and beautiful. You taught her well as she was growing up. I'm proud of you. 

We all miss you so much. I miss you so much it hurts. And even though I'm mad and hurt, it's not okay to blame you. In my efforts to try to make things better, I just tried to understand. I wanted to understand why you did it and who you are. I tried to learn more about suicide, to see if it could help me understand more. 

I know you didn't do it to give us all this pain on purpose, I know you're better than that and I know you wouldn't. I know you didn't do it to destroy the lives of us that care for you. I now know you were struggling, even if none of us could see past your tough demeanour. You had so much emotional and mental pain that you couldn't handle it, maybe all in one night on an impulsive decision but I understand. 

Suicide, mental illness, and addiction are the only diseases that people figure they can blame the person for. But that's so not right and people die from suicide just like they can die from any other organ disease and I really don't stand for that. But I understand now, I'm not upset at you. There's nothing else I can do now except try my very best to understand it. 

I'm not angry and if you're apologizing somewhere up there or wherever you go after you pass, I'll accept your apology even if you don't accept mine. I just wish I knew before. I wish I knew you better, I wish I wasn't so shallow. I wish I was there for you. 

I will protect Lily from the things that you can't, I owe it to you. I'll be the big sister for her, I promise I'll stick around for her like I know you would have. I'll teach her everything she needs to know. But most importantly I'll be sure to teach her how to love and care fully for people, because you never know what someone may be going through in their life and you never know what can happen or what effect you can have on them. 

I'll also teach her that life is a gift, because you never know when someone might walk away forever. I miss you, and I will always love you, Atlas Young.

Gigi