What I see.

Dec. 22, 2019

Fear.

The most well known concept and feeling of humans, but there are all kinds of Fears. Some we can relate to, some strange, some understandable, and many more.

I have the fear of people.

Let me break it down like this;

· I fear to be rejected.
· Be left behind and forgotten by someone.
· Not noticed.
· Ignored.
· The trust I gave shattered.
· What they truly think and feel about me.
· Being lied to.

And anything that falls between those lines.

I'm also a scaredy cat. (No thanks to my sister.)

But most importantly people.

Before the cause of this fear I was a normal truly happy fearless girl, someone who felt like they could conquer the world. It could just be a normal Teenage thing but I don't see that anymore. Now I decided to give in and wear the mask.

I wear a fake smile with a fake personality a fake laughter pretending and saying I'm truly fine and happy, but I'm still too broken. Don't get me wrong I'm still very much loved by my Father and Mother, my Brother and Sister, but I lost someone close and it still hurt a after 2 years.

I had a friend I knew for a while in elementary school and the beginning of 6th grade. She was my best friend, like a sister to me. I am clueless to most outside world situations so I never knew much about her family, all I knew was she had a mother, a brother, got a new brother later on and she was an aunt to a little boy and girl. I didn't know much about her father and she was having family issues and I didn't know much of anything.

So not to long, more like starting our 6th grade year in the same school we rode the school bus together, we sat together, we talked together...... That is, until she ignored me, shattered all trust I had.

I tried talking to her, asking her what was going on, if she could explain herself, but she ignored me, never said one more word to me.

I cried over her for so long, no one knew what happened until the end of 6th grade me parents talked to me asking if something was wrong. I didn't want to tell them but I did, I cried so much telling them. The memory still plays in my mind, haunting, running around my head nonstop.

I have made many good friends though but I'm still scared to get to emotionally attached to someone. I've isolated myself from the world at times. I became an insane maniac of chaos with a convincing mask. I have changed so much from that incident.

If I could go back and change the past, I would change that moment.

The universe wants me to suffer so much that the very next year and ahead I see her in my classes more and more and to the point I am just seconds away from having to talk to her but I'm scared. I want A second chance I really do...... The only thing stopping me is the memory. I don't want a repeat, a loop in time.

Because of her I don't know anything about feelings, I don't know what happiness feels like anymore, love, kindness.

I pretend. I'm sorry to anyone that knows me in anyway but I just couldn't. I'm still kind but I don't know how that helps or feels. I'm still so hurt.

I don't know anything anymore. Happy moments I had in the past are mostly the painful illusions she gave me.

I'm scared of people and that won't change for god knows when.

I confided in my sister a lot and she took advantage of that. I'm confused and confusing. All I want is someone or something to give me a clear understanding of this stupid world, but the universe hates that it'll keep tourtering me with an endless maze off mirrors reflecting shit that's me and not letting me find an end or a wall that isn't a mirror.

I need help but I don't want to edmit it.