What I see.

Dec. 22, 2019.

I don't want to keep holding onto this life.

This mask is hurting me and the maze is getting worse.

I don't want keep hurting myself like this. I don't want keep seeing or hearing shit. I'm tired of it.

How much can one person out of everything in this stupid messed up reality change you??

Me, so much it scares me. I don't like to see myself smiling in the mirror. I don't like wearing masks or makeup happy about it.

They say mirrors reflect beauty when you look through them yourself. But all I see is a broken girl, all the shards reflecting painful memories.

I don't like wearing masks or makeup while being happy because it reminds me of when I gave into putting on the mask. It only shows that your covering up so much; Pain, mistakes, tears, scars, and much more.

I say that I don't want to get to emotionally attached to a person but I don't want to be alone so I end up doing that exact thing anyway, but I become very cautious of how close I become. I tell myself, don't get ahead of yourself this won't last anyway.

Christmas is almost here and I hate it. Don't get me wrong I do think it's beautiful and good for people but I don't want it. My parents want me to ask Santa for at least one material thing, but I don't want material things. I don't want to be with many people smiling and laughing having a good time cause once the moment ends it's just gonna be another painful moment in my life that will never come back.

The world is a confusing mess. There will never be such thing as "World Peace" or immortality and even if that existed at one point in the far future it only bring chaos and no one will last long. The world will stay fucked up for as long as the heart of reality lasts and beyond.

The only thing stopping me from letting go and pulling the trigger is the people that care for me. I may be scared of people but I don't like to see people in pain and crying. I don't want it to impact my family negatively. I don't to have the feeling that people that cared about me in a way feel sad. I don't want to let anyone down from my disappearance.

Because of this battling in decision I am always incapable of making my own choices and pick at random or hope that someone makes the choice for me.

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I know there is the chapter before with the same date but you know what, IDFC.