SUICIDAL ( taekook )

05- Getting bad again

( trigger warning: mentions of blood )

(Jungkook P.O.V)

Three days went by, and me and Taehyung actually got along pretty well. I felt very calm around him, he made me feel more safe and comfortable. Less empty.

Turns out he actually has quite a good humor. Besides that he has a very wonderful and interesting personality. He's very down to earth. And loves art, just like me. We didn't talk much about me, I just told him I love music and drawing. He made me feel a little better. Like I could actually have a real friend.

But it wasn't enough. No matter what, the voice in my head always wins.

Stop getting your hopes up, he'll leave you soon, just like everyone else. When he finds out how pathetic you are. He doesn't even like you, he's just pretending. You know there's not possibly someone that could ever love you and your weak soul.

So that was it. I listened to the voice. I felt empty again. All the hope Taehyung ever gave me drifting far away to the back of my head in a matter of seconds. I barely slept, just staring into space every night, feeling numb, tired and hopeless. I didn't eat, not having an appetite or feeling hungry despite my stomach growling all the time. I added a few more cuts to the collection of scars on my wrists and thighs, just to feel some relief. I stopped drawing and listening to music, losing interest in all the things that brought me peace and joy.

I was broken again. These new and joyful feelings only brought more darkness out, i shouldn't be happy, i don't deserve that.
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One night i was laying in my uncomfortable bed, trying to fall asleep but failing miserably. I turned around to look at the beautiful creature laying in the bed next to mine, only a few meters away. He looked so comfortable and peaceful, the moonlight lighting up his perfect features. i've truly never seen someone as beautiful as him.

But it doesn't matter. I have to keep distance to him, i can't let him in. I can't let him see the real me.

And with that thought i fell into a horrible yet peaceful sleep.

(Taehyung P.O.V)

I woke up feeling fresh and stretched my body while still laying in bed. It was still quite dark outside, the sun hadn't come up yet - but you could still hear the birds singing in the distance.

Suddenly i felt the need to pee, so i stood up and before moving towards the bathroom, I took a glance at Jungkook, he was asleep in his bed. He looked peaceful. I just hoped he was okay. He seemed off the other day... more distant. I didn't like it. I didn't like the way he was trying to shut me out again. All I wanted was to get to know him so we could be closer.

I didn't want to wake him up on my way to the bathroom, so as quietly as possible I made my way to the door and closed it. As I washed my hands something in the trash bin caught my eye. Paper.. with blood on it. I took a closer look and sure enough there was three pieces of paper filled with blood. I thought about what it could be. Maybe Jungkook just had a smaller accident or something, I didn't want to make assumptions.

I walked out of the bathroom again and my eyes immediately caught the sight of a fully dressed Jungkook sitting cross legged on his bed, staring into his lap. It seemed like he didn't notice me come out, so I coughed quietly, making him quickly lift his head and look at me.

"Oh.. good morning" was all he said, no emotion in his voice whatsoever. He then looked down again, fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater.

I didn't like the silence and tried to think of something to say. And so I remembered the blood-paper from the bathroom bin. "Jungkook, can I ask you something?". He only made an "hm" sound, so I continued. "Do you know why there's paper with blood on it in the bathroom bin?"

He immediately looked up and his whole body tensed, his eyes getting wide. But then he quickly relaxed his whole body again and looked at the wall, avoiding eye contact while he kept fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater. the sudden quick change in body language confused me, what was that about??

"Oh don't worry about that, I just had a nosebleed that's all" He said with a soft smile, finally making eye contact and blinking a few times. And though it did seem like he was telling the truth, i had my doubts, but i wanted to trust him. I mean it seemed like a valid explanation, so I had no reason not to believe him.

(Jungkook P.O.V)

lies, it's all lies

I didn't have a nosebleed. Some of my wounds opened, and I had to remove the blood. But of course my stupid self forgot to remove the blood evidence completely. Why am i such a failure, i can't even do something as simple as that.

Now Taehyung thinks i'm even weirder than before. I hate myself for being so dumb.

Hello lovely people.

I am so sorry that I haven't uploaded in such a long time. First of all I've been very busy with homework, family and haven't had much time to even write. Second of all I'll admit I kinda didn't have any ideas as to where to go with the story. I wasn't in a good place when I started this story, it was a way for me to get out some of my emotions. I'm better now, and honestly I'm afraid of what will happen when I keep writing, because if I have to put myself in that pov it's like I'm experiencing the feelings all over again. Anyways, none of that will keep me from continuing this story. I have some ideas and even if this story ends up shitty it'll still be finished. Like said before, I am not good at updating and I can't promise the time gap between each chapter won't be long. But I will try my best to make them long and as good as possible.

also i'm not really happy with this chapter, it's kind of a filler but i'll try to make the next chapters better.