✔️| The Gift of a Curse {1}

CHAPTER NINETEEN

CHAPTER NINETEEN

My skin itches, my insides burn, and my lungs feel like they are being torn apart. I try to scream for someone to help me; to stop my pain, but I cannot move. It is as if my body is chained from all sides.
I start to panic and I begin to feel or hallucinate that I am dying. I want to cry, but I cannot.
What truly frightens me, however, is the dark. Ever since I was a kid, I have hated darkness. It brings a peculiar type of fear to my heart. In many cases, darkness was the reason why I had panic attacks. Thus, I try to think about things that would distract me from all the negative ideas that seem to penetrate my mind without my consent. Unfortunately, it is a little too hard to do that when the last thing I remember is fainting in Alec's arms and seeing the tears in Amoux's eyes.
His face leads me to imagine myself telling Stefan that the notorious Alexander Cresswell is my mate. At first I picture him freaking out and forbidding me from seeing Alec. But as I think about it, I realize that he would wrap me up and hand me to Alec with a satisfied smirk. He would think that he is punishing me because of the diversion of Alec's reputation.
I smile at my thoughts when suddenly I feel myself falling into an even pitcher darkness. I do not know how but I scream like my life depends on it.
I cannot see anything, but I can feel myself falling. It is like I am falling over a cliff. The only difference is I have no idea when or where the fall will end.
I reach out my hands and I try to touch something, anything around me but all my hands catch is air. Perhaps this is how one dies, maybe this indicates that I am going to hell, or maybe I am still alive and in pain. If that is the case, then I want to wake up, I want to see Clay and Nick, and I want to have a sleepover with them. I want to see Josh and talk to him so we can make up for all the years we did not know each other. I want to see Alec and tell him that... I do not know what I would tell him. Perhaps I would apologize to him; from all the females in the world he has me as a mate. I would also tell him that he is the exact opposite from what the world says he is. Yes he has a past, but nobody is perfect.
I start reminiscing the first time we kissed, but I abruptly land on a soft couch. Unconsciously, I close my eyes because I am too scared to be met with the darkness once again or of being thrust in a much worse place.
"You can open your eyes now, you are safe." My mind is playing tricks on me, it is turning against me.
"Shadow, open your eyes." A warm hand touches my cheek. Thus, I open my eyes before I can stop myself.
"Hey." He gives me a warm smile. I jump on him and kiss the top of his head. Somehow, I end up on his lap.
"Nick, you are here. I missed you so much." I cry as I continue to embrace my best friend.
"I missed you too." He pulls the hair out of my face.
"How?"
"How what?"
"How did you take the pain away? I was feeling like I was dying." I look into his eyes waiting for an answer.
"Well, I actually did not know that you were in pain. I just thought that I could enter your mind and talk to you for a while to make sure that you are okay and to tell you what has happened in the last few hours since you fell unconscious." He pulls me off of him and starts walking around the house; a house I have never seen before.
"You are in my mind? So I am not awake yet?" I follow him, curious to explore the old beautiful house.
"No you are not. Actually, your body is really weak, and your lungs are even weaker."
"But I am going to wake up right?" I feel the panic finding its way back to my mind.
"Yes, the problem is you will not wake up until your lungs are completely healed which might take a few weeks." His words scare me but I do not tell him that.
"So where are we?" I change the subject.
"My childhood home." My eyes widen at that; this is the house Nick and Joshua lived in when they were still living in the Red Eclipse pack. Without a warning, I remember the conversation I had with Joshua about their family.
"Nick..." I stop in my tracks as I recall all the guilt I felt, and still feel, about everything he went through.
"Josh told me that you learned about our family's past." He says. Thus he makes me believe that he is capable of reading my mind.
"Why did you not tell me?" My voice is weak and emotional but I do not cry. Nick stops in his tracks, and turns around so he can face me.
"Because it would not have changed anything." He approaches me and places his hand on my cheek.
"Maybe, but you would have had someone to share your pain with. You would have had someone there for you."
"I did have someone there for me. I had you, and I had Clay, and I had my friends here in the Open wound pack, and I had my brother."
"Really? Because Joshua told me that you practically escaped this territory because it was a constant reminder of your parents' loss." I give him a look; one that indicates that I know he is trying to conceal his pain.
"My brother loves to talk about things he is not supposed to talk about." Nick seems a little angry but he shrugs it off.
"Shadow, I think you already know by now that I do not like to talk about my feelings especially when they are filled with numbness and sorrow."
"Yeah, and I understand that Nick. But... my family destroyed yours. How can you be friends with me? How can you look me in the eye and not be tempted to kill or at least hate me? Nick... you held me as I cried for hours almost every day for months all the while you were dealing with a pain of your own."
He looks at the photos on the wall, photos of two happily married couple, his parents I am guessing, and two boys with huge smiles on their faces, Nick and Joshua. He stares at the photos as if he is looking at his family in their flesh and blood; like he is reuniting with a long lost part of himself.
I want to say that I know the feeling; I have felt it every time I imagined Diamanda's face in my mind. But this is not about me. More importantly, Nick needs me and I need to think about his pain rather than thinking about mine.
"You are not your father, or your uncle, or your brother. You are not me foe, you are my friend Shadow; you are the sister I never had. You are everything your family is not, and I love you for that. I do not hate you, I can never hate you." I do not know what to say, so I close the space between us and hug him as tight as I can.
At first he hugs me softly, but as the seconds pass his hold gets tighter. Thus, I start counting lowly in his ear in order to comfort him; which is something he used to do for me. When I reach twenty, I feel a slight wetness on my left shoulder. When I reach thirty he is crying quietly. When I reach fifty, his cries are as loud as a siren.
I know from experience that when a person cries like that, they do not need someone who would ask them what is wrong, but rather someone who will hold them tight as they let everything out; someone who they would trust enough to fall apart in their hands.
"It is okay, just let it out. I will hold on as long as you need me to." I assure him and hug him as hard as I can.
A part of me feels a little uncomfortable. I do want to be there for Nick, and I want him to come to me when he needs company; or when he cannot handle being alone. But I am used to seeing the strong Nikolai Fairchild, the rock for those he cares about, the ones who assists his friends when they are in need.
I have never seen him cry before, and before I met Joshua, I did not know that my friend held that kind of sadness within him. A piece of me felt responsible for every tear he sheds not only because of my family is responsible for his parents' deaths but also because I was so blind and so involved with my own feelings to see the hurt in Nick's eyes. I feel some kind of self-hatred because of vanity and selfishness.