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January 26, 1996 (Friday)
Halle "Here..." Jada says handing me a bowl of cereal, "Eat up, girl."
After hours of relentlessly calling and paging me, Jada burst into my home. She saw me in my depressive state and decided that I needed to stay at her house for the night. Before I could protest, she went and packed an overnight bag and told me to get in the car.
I remember looking out the window in silence while she ranted about how David was no good and that I need to pull myself together. As soon as we made it into her home, I broke down while she consoled me. She told me that none of this is my fault and that I should've answered her pages and calls. After two hours of listening to her consoling and lecturing, I went to her guest room and cried myself to sleep.
So here I am, currently sitting in her kitchen at around one in the afternoon. Even after sleeping over nine hours and showering, I'm still exhausted from last night. Who knew that feeling sorry for yourself can take so much out of you?
Jada snapped her fingers in my face, breaking me from my thoughts. "Halle, you need to eat. You haven't ate anything within the past day. That's not good."
"I'm not hungry." I replied. It's true, I can't even stomach the sight of food right now. My appetite is gone.
"You know what, Halle, stop it!" Jada yells making me jump, "Stop letting this bum ass nigga get to you like this! It's getting ridiculous!"
"Jada, please! You don't understand what it's like to fail in relationships. You don't understand what it's like to deal with bullshit from men on a day to day basis. You don't understand what's it like to be alone. You just don't. I mean, look at you and Will, you two are pretty much the perfect couple. You two are engaged to be married. He adores you, respects you, loves you. I'll never have that. I don't deserve it." I say while breaking down again.
Jada grabs my face and wiped my flowing tears. She then embraces me. "You have to stop beating yourself up over this, girl. Stop telling yourself you don't deserve love, you do. You're an amazing person. Any man will be lucky to have someone like you on his arm. You're insanely gorgeous, kind, and giving. You're not worthless. Also, the reason my relationship with Will is good because he's an amazing person. David is piece of shit, so you can't compare the two. You'll find someone amazing; someone who'll treat you like the queen that you are. Do you hear me?"
"Yes..." I mumble in her neck.
"Now look at me," she breaks away from our hug and grabs my face. "I'm about be tough on you. Enough with the sappy shit. You need to stop letting him get to you. No nigga is worth crying and being depressed over, especially David's shitty ass. You too fucking fine for all this. He never been shit, so I don't see why you're acting like this anyway. Toughen up and show him who's boss. Make him eat shit. Make him sorry that he ever decided to fuck you over."
As I listen to Jada, I realize that she's right. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to stop letting him get to me. I need to fight fire with fire.
"Don't ever let a man get to you like that again." Jada continued while taking my hand in hers. "Take some time for yourself. Practice self-love because you definitely need time to heal from this. Get back into your work because I know it's what you love. Talk to someone so you don't bottle up your feelings. Get your groove back, girl. I'll be here every step of the way. I'll be right here by your side Halle, I mean it."
I grabbed Jada and hugged her again. "Thank you so much. For everything. I love you."
"No need to thank me. I love you and I want to see you happy. Now let's get ready and go to the courthouse. We're gonna get some divorce papers. We also need to find a lawyer. Fuck the separation bullshit, we about to get you up outta there."
***
After spending time at the courthouse meeting with my lawyer and drawing up the papers, Jada dropped me off at home. I'm currently packing my things. Jada decided that I will stay with her while I'm looking for a new place.
I'm so grateful that God has placed Jada in my life. I honestly don't know how I would've handled this situation without her. She made me realize things that I was too blind to ever see. She's the best friend anyone could ever ask for.
This whole situation is bittersweet. Even though this marriage has been toxic, it was some good times sprinkled in. We really did have some good moments, but the bad outweighed the good.
I realize that I was holding on to something that can never be saved, and I was losing myself in the process. I drove myself crazy. Those thoughts I had last night really terrified me and I never want to be in that state of mind again, so I decided to look for a therapist to help get to the root of my issues.
I promise myself that I'm never going to let a man define ever again. I plan on taking steps to love myself again. I have to find Halle again, and David simply can't be apart of that. He represents all of the old toxicity that I carried around in my life.
I finally finished packing and I decided to write a letter to David. By the time he comes back, if he comes back, I'll be gone and moving on. The only time I plan to see him is during the divorce proceedings.
Once I finish writing, I put the letter and the signed divorce papers in an envelope and wrote his name on it. I loaded all of my things in my car and went back in to look at our home, well his home now. It's all apart of my past now. As I got in the car and drove to Jada's house, I smile to myself. I'm moving on to bigger and better things.
