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January 25, 1996 (Thursday)
Halle Nothing.
That's my current state of emotion right now. I'm just so numb. It's like I lost the ability to feel.
I'm laying on the couch in the living room. The television is on, but it's nothing more than background noise. My dark thoughts have totally consumed me.
It's currently eight at night, and this is all I've been doing all day. Just laying here, completely numb. I haven't even showered or brushed my teeth, and I barely ate. I just don't have the energy to do anything.
My phone has been ringing off the hook and my pager has been beeping all day. I know it's probably my mother and friends, but I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone to know how I'm feeling. I don't want to admit that my marriage is crumbling. I don't want to admit it to myself.
It's hard for me to face reality, so I figured if I just stayed cooped up in here, then I wouldn't have to deal with it. I just can't deal with the pressure. I can't face the truth. It hurts so much.
After many years of failed relationships, I thought David was the one. In my eyes, he was my Prince Charming. He was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was the one I was going to grow old and gray with.
I put up with so much from him. The constant arguments, cheating, and his overall shitty attitude went on ever since we reached the first year of our relationship. People literally told me not to marry him, but of course I didn't listen. I was so blinded by love.
As pissed as I am with David, I'm more mad at myself. I'm mad that I chose to ignore everyone telling me that he wasn't any good. I'm mad that I put up with his shit for so long. I can't believe that I let this man stress me out. I really let a man define me, and now I'm laying here suffering the consequences.
"It's your fault. You driven him away."
Oh no. I'm starting to hear them again. These negative thoughts are creeping back in my mind and I can't stop them.
"Look at your attitude. You're always arguing with him. You've done nothing but nag him. He's sick of the jealousy. He's sick of all the bullshit. No wonder he left."
"No..." I said in an attempt to stop the thoughts.
"You work too much. You barely make time for him. How can you expect him to be happy when you're rarely there? That's selfish of you."
"Stop!" I put my hands over my ears hoping they'll stop, but they just got louder.
"He can only do so much, Halle, but it seems like you're never satisfied. He has to be the one to put in all the effort. He has to bend over backwards for your ass while you just sit there."
Fresh tears ran down my face as I listen to these thoughts verbally assault me.
"Hell, he's the reason you've made it as far as you have. The house, cars, clothes, rings, your success— it's all because of him. You were pretty much struggling before you two met, and this is how you repay him."
I sob loudly as I curled into the fetal position.
"You're always quick to blame the man, but take a look at yourself. Look at your track record. None of your relationships have been successful. None whatsoever. Have you ever thought that maybe you're the common denominator? No, because you're selfish and quick to blame everyone else for your own issues. You need to stop pretending that you're always the good person because you're not."
"Please..." I whimpered.
"Maybe you don't deserve anyone, Halle. Maybe you don't deserve to have a healthy relationship. You always manage to throw them away, somehow. Maybe you deserve to be alone for the rest of your life."
I buried my face in the pillow and sobbed. Maybe they're right— I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to find my Prince. No matter who I be with, something always ends up going wrong. Maybe I'm cursed to never be happy again.
I feel worthless, totally worthless. I should probably never leave the house again. I should just stay here and rot away. David could go on and live his life with whatever bitch that he's with. I don't even care anymore. I'm done. I'm done with everything at this point.
