The journal of a girl .

jounal entry #1

depression ~ A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

my way of seeing it or experiencing or just a simple way of explaining it ? a constant loop of sadness that you can't seem to escape or at least you've tried and yet again failed . being distant from family is one thing and being distant from friends is not my way of showing it . being depressed nowadays is just what people call an act of wanting attention or being needy so as a person myself i tend not to say or act in any way of sadness around the people i care or love for . depression creeped up on me very calmly and quietly in the beginning you struggle with the small little things in life . it's like a constant headache you tell yourself that's it's temporary or it'll pass or it's just for that day but it's not . i got used to putting on a mask of happiness or mastering a smile . then that gets tiring you struggle to put on a play everyday . it's the thoughts that cross my mind that makes it seem like i've fallen even deeper in the hole im struggling to dig my self out of . and that's when you slowly start to back away from friends and family . completely shutting them out on how i feel. little satisfaction is gone . all the things that that brought me happiness or little joy now have no meaning at all . even the simplest task become painful and tiring . why would i keep on trying when nothing makes me happy anyway . suddenly i found myself living in slow motion and i couldn't find the remote to stop it . depression is not exactly wanting to die but feeling as if you never were born . i feel as if i'll never be happy again . there is a part of me that wants to be happy a part that wants a little bit of positivity but i gave up because i knew it wasn't going to work and why go to people knowing they are going to say it's going to be okay and give me a hug . and in the end i had 2 choices you decide to get some help or you attempt a suicide .you feel emotionally drained ; empty . and trust me i know i have people that love and care for me but sometimes that just isn't enough . i tried to take the easy way out it didn't work . so now i'm here with a therapist getting the help i needed . but i guess sometimes a permanent solution to a temporary problem is not the answer . i read that somewhere and it just stuck with me . that's depression that's what i'm talking about and that's how i feel .