The Tension Between Us

Chapter Eleven - Stanley

- STAN'S POV -

Stan's playlist:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7fBB8wFls9Zrh2sk1wi5Sk?si=uKXQs60BS8SRo1DL6S_uAg

(I also have heaps of other Loser playlists on this Spotify so go check em out)

Warning: mentions of suicide and self harm,  pretty dark so hide ya kids lol

"He saw Stan."
Realisation slaps him in the face and he feels the guilt immediately flow through his body. The world around him becomes hazy as Richie runs into the trees,  the rest of the Losers hot on his heels after. All he can hear is the muffled shouts,  calling Eddie's name as it's drowned out by his rapid heartbeat and heavy breath. He's partially snapped back into reality as Bill laces their fingers together and drags Stan along behind him, 
"Come on!"
He yells,  sprinting off after the others as he pulls Stan with him. Stan felt sick to the stomach, the fact that Eddie had known this entire time,  the fact that he'd seen Stan in that vulnerable way,  that he'd exposed himself without even realising,  and worse,  that he hurt Eddie,  he made the small boy run into the darkness of the night on his own,  he kissed Richie,  he gave in to his hormonal bullshit and this is where it landed him. Disgusting.
They emerged at the forest edge,  but Stan hardly took notice at the shouts and pleads,  barley realised when Richie sped off even through the protest of everyone else, he just pushed away from Bill's hold and made his way to his own bike.
This is all your fault, his head screeched at him,  eyes watering and heart hammering in his ribcage,
It's your fault they fell apart,  you broke it,  you broke them. You fucked it up because you couldn't keep it in your pants.
"My fault."
He whispers to himself unsteadily,  but is shook back to the present with a hand on his shoulder,  he turns,  and Bev looks at him with concerned eyes, 
"Stan we gotta go after em',  come on."
Stan only lets the tears fall down his cheeks and pushes her off him, 
"I have to go,  it's my fault."
He says weakly, looking down to his skittish hands as he rubs subconsciously at his arms,  Bev's look now focusing on his misty eyes and shaking hands,  her brain snapping to a realisation before she reaches out for him again,  gentler,
"Stan, sweety,  it's not your fault ok? You couldn't have known."
She says softly,  but he's too out of it to really process the words,
"Let me go Beverley."
He says harshly through thick tears,  pushing away from her again.
He hears her call out to Bill,  the name  halting him for a bit before he keeps walking,  bike wheeling next to him as his breakdown ensues. Last time he had one was with Richie,  because he was too afraid to call Bill,  in case he spilled all his secrets in the vulnerable state,  and that's why he picks up his speed at the mention of the name, he didn't want to spill them tonight either.

Song to listen before reading this part:
- How To Never Stop Being Sad - Dandelion hands
(VERY IMPORTANT FOR PLOT)

"I'll stay with him,  you guys go after E-eddie and Richie."
He hears,  and then the clicking of gear shifts and bike wheels pushing off down the old road.
"Stan! Hey,  S-s-stan wait!"
Bill's voice calls, footsteps thumping down over gravel and then pavement behind him. The blue eyed boy grabs his wrist and brings him to a stop,  spinning him around,
"Stan, t-talk to me,  what's wrong?"
He says softly,  worry in his eyes as he scans Stan's appearance with a hand now holding his,  slipped from his wrist to his palm,  which was shaking as it gripped back.
"S'my fault."
He mumbles angrily through tears,  trying to pull away from Bill,  who only holds him tighter,
"My fault,  I have to go they don't want me here,  I did it, "
He sobs,
"I did it and now Eddie hates me."
Bill looks at him bewildered,  but shakes his head,
"I don't know what h-happened Stan,  but you're not going anywhere, not like this."
His stutter faded as real practiced concern took over his body, they'd been here before,  sophomore year,  and Bill let him go home alone because he thought it'd be fine,  didn't comprehend the intentions Stan had.